Don't Let Them Eat Cake

[In Limbo]

As I look back over old posts, I think I've done best when I've set specific goals and celebrated successes, no matter how small. So I'm going to get back on track with that. One success I had yesterday that may seem tiny was that even though I knew that H had lunch with OW yesterday (he walked out of the house carrying something he had framed for her), I didn't say anything about it. He was probably anticipating me saying something and I felt like it was a test, a chance for a small 180.

Oddly, we've been to at least 4 different MC's over the years and they've all (in his eyes) been failures - yet the one consistency is us - so maybe we're failing at MC rather than the MCs not being good.

I do plan to continue with IC and really wish H would do the same. But that's his decision.

H said he was attending MC to try to figure out if he wanted to work on M. Then he wanted to attend to get help on how to "transition" and how to help the kids through this. He will not say the D word but says there is no hope for M between us. Hasn't filed, hasn't seen a lawyer, wants to get through DUI proceedings first. Everyone around me who knows thinks I'm crazy and should go ahead and just file. But I don't want to be the one that ends it, the one that initiates D. So for now I wait in limbo. I have read enough posts on here to understand that this limbo time can be used to my advantage to get myself on track for me and the boys and if it has a positive impact on R with H that's a bonus. That's easy to say and makes so much sense but can be a challenge to implement.

So, I'll set goals on exercise (min. 5 times/wk), contact with H (don't initiate unless involves kids or emergency), GAL (at least 2 activities per week for me) and PMA (go 5 days without crying, laugh out loud daily, go 2 days without saying anything negative to H). I also want to set a goal of at least one 180/day but don't know if that's too aggressive. I'll try it today and see how it goes. Even little 180s could count, just need to get focused on changing my behaviors.

Thanks for the support!