Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Coach]

Awake now in the middle of the night. Awakened by the monster. Awake after a lucid dream in which I was taunted by OM and W.

I really don't think OM is actively in the picture any more, but believe her thoughts are still there and as much as I detach, it still bothers me.

I was lying in bed wrestling with what is becoming the demon lurking in the back of my mind: If I am doing so well (detaching, validating, working on myself, etc.), then why is my R and my M slowly but steadily deteriorating.

Personally, I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel happier, more self confident, stronger. I'm not walking on eggshells. I'm doing things for myself. My R with my kids gets better all the time.

But my R with my W has been in a steady decline. (or does it just appear that way?)

Over the past months as I have felt better and detached more, we have progressed from pecking kisses goodbye or goodnight, to none; from W requesting occasional backrubs or snuggling occasionally, to none; from W initiating ML occasionally, to her shuddering when I come near her; from cuddling in bed together in the mornings, to her now being tense whenever I am in the room.

She acknowledges that things are getting worse in this way.

So I struggle.

Is this downward trend a journey that she has to make and there is nothing I can do about it? Or is it a gradual revealing of the actual depth of her dislike of the R - and the outward positive signs that I saw earlier just her "acting as if" Is the downward trend her attempt to regain control of the power dynamic as I withdraw more and take control over myself?

Or is this trend, are these negative changes, caused by something else. Without question, I am pursuing less than I did 4 months ago. I am also not making the attempts I did then to keep the physical affection alive - not asking for kisses goodnight or hugs as one of us leaves for the day. I am pulled back and letting her take the initiative as far as any physical contact or signs of affection, and she is not making any at all. Is she waiting for me?

I really don't think she is waiting for me. The few times I have tried to initiate some sort of physical contact in the past months have gotten strong negative reactions or worse - complete limp apathy.

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On the other hand, she has now agreed to Retrovaille - something she refused point blank and absolutely several months ago.

It appears that she has reached the brink of divorce and is hesitating, scared, pulling back from the edge. I think she sees Retro as "One last thing to try."

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So I am not going to change what I am doing right now. I believe it is right - giving her space, working on the partnership (being the best dad, coparent and housemate that I can be) and focusing on myself.

But the continued negative trend certainly pauses me and makes me doubt...

Peaks and Valleys, Mrs Thinker is on a different line than you. How far down did you have to go to start a turn around for yourself? She's trending down while you are trending up, not what she expected. She is watching you, now you are leading and it is making a huge impact on her. It's all part of the process. Stay patient.
Really look for clues from her now, listen, read her body language, watch her actions. Do not take any bait, be calm, in control and loving.
Cheers