Over the Shock and GALing 6

[SmileysPerson]

Peace be upon you, my brother.

What's up with the way threads lock now? Some seem to be still going strong after 50 pages, and now mine just locked after 21.

Es verdad; estoy totalmente sin la comprension.

But enough carping, eh? Let's get to the meat of your post, which is the untimely visit of Senor Monstruo to your chamber of dreams.

I really don't think OM is actively in the picture any more, but believe her thoughts are still there and as much as I detach, it still bothers me.

As well it should. But there's "bothers" and "bothers," isn't there? Lots of things "bother" me about the world, and about my world, but I don't let them "bother" me -- know what I mean? No one needs to tell you that it isn't easy making that jump from bothers to bothers. You're working it. Look it in the eye, acknowledge it, and keep on truckin'.

the demon lurking in the back of my mind: If I am doing so well (detaching, validating, working on myself, etc.), then why is my R and my M slowly but steadily deteriorating.

This is going to be harsh, my man, but it can't be helped. So let me open that beer for you right now (your choice -- I can offer Miller High Life, Pabst Blue Ribbon or, in deference to certain geographic preferences, Topper or Genessee), while you settle yourself down in the Barcalounger that is your Fortress of Manly Assurance (TM).

If you're doing well, why is your R doing poorly? Because the one has nothing to do with the other. You're only 50% of your R, but you're 100% of you. You can't carry her load -- you know that. Until she starts doing better, the R is where it is.

That being said, the possibilities in the R could very likely be stable or even improving -- indeed, given what you write later in the post, I would submit to you that in fact things are not deteriorating. Perhaps one ought not mistake the outward manifestation of "a" relationship (kissy-face, etc.) with the real soul of a relationship, to wit:

Over the past months as I have felt better and detached more, we have progressed from pecking kisses goodbye or goodnight, to none...from W initiating ML occasionally, to her shuddering when I come near her; from cuddling in bed together in the mornings, to her now being tense whenever I am in the room.

Now why would she shudder, why would she be tense? These are physical reactions to an internal stressor. And what could that source of stress be? The fact that you're not doing what you're "supposed" to be doing. That she's losing power which, in WAStuff as you well know, is synonymous with control. That things are not moving ahead according to plan, at least with respect to whatever passes for a "plan" in the Way of the WAS. She's confused. This isn't "working out." (See my sitch for a somewhat high-larious discussion of what constitutes "working out.")

You're being a man -- The Man -- and she wasn't prepared for that. Without putting too fine a point on it, and at the risk of offending some of our fine female colleagues, some women (and I'm not saying Mrs. Thinker is one of them, per se, but I've known a couple FWIW) use the kissy-face thing in much the same way they use the breast with grouchy infants -- let 'em latch-on, and they become oh-so-compliant. Now you're moving forward, trucking, without that crutch. Holy Guadalcanal, Batman -- what now?

Is this downward trend a journey that she has to make and there is nothing I can do about it? Or is it a gradual revealing of the actual depth of her dislike of the R - and the outward positive signs that I saw earlier just her "acting as if." Is the downward trend her attempt to regain control of the power dynamic as I withdraw more and take control over myself?

Yes. No. Maybe. It's all of them. It's none of them. It's irrelevant. Your entire line of analysis is proceeding by assumption, Thinker -- and you're far too smart a man to drive the highway to Conclusions via Assertion, Assumption, and Spitball (stopping to refuel and get a coffee at Guesswork).

Is she waiting for me? I really don't think she is waiting for me.

Extend the VLF, homez. Waiting for what, exactly?

she has now agreed to Retrovaille - something she refused point blank and absolutely several months ago.

It appears that she has reached the brink of divorce and is hesitating, scared, pulling back from the edge. I think she sees Retro as "One last thing to try."

BAM!

This is progress. "One last thing to try." That disrespects it, brother-man. First, you don't know how she sees it. Second, you're framing it in a way that minimizes your own DB achievements thus far. If you're going to project and mind-read, why not I think she sees Retro as "One great thing to try" or "One valuable thing to try" or "One hope thing to try"?

I understand that, given your personality (as you've described it elsewhere), it might be tough to give yourself a Bravo Zulu on this one (head-scratchers click here), but, um, ah, well -- oh, f*ck it! Bravo Zulu dude!

It seems to me, IMHO, from my POV -- and all the other mandatory hedges a'gathering -- you've created something here. You've achieved. You've progressed. You've moved the ball down the field. Sure, the game's not over. A long way to go.

But you've gone from Mrs. Thinker doesn't want to be married to you but'll hang out in the bed-chamber and let you get a l'il taste o' sugar ever-now-'n'-again to Mrs. Thinker has accepted your kind invitation to spend an intensive weekend looking inward, at the R, openly and honestly (one hopes). Which means she's taking a risk. For you. Because of the work you've done.

I'm all for humility (and if you're buying that, let me get you in alt about some faboo real-estate opportunities ), but I'm also all for credit-where-credit-is-due. Cut yourself a break, dude -- you've achieved.

That monster? I wouldn't be at all surprised if, in the bright light of daytime, it actually looked a lot like...you.