It's MY life now!!!........

[25yearsmlc]

Hi SC,

Long time no see...well, You asked me to come on over & chime in so I read this whole thread and recall your older ones pretty well. But I'm tired now so this might not touch on all the issues.

You are repeating yourself in some messages / emails/and letters to your h with very Little or no change in the wording, as if a sentence or two here and there will make a difference. No matter how you say you "intend" something, your emails are a major form of pursuit. At times you may be trying (sincerely?) to make the messages come off as a "graceful farewell letter" -- but you only get ONE of those in real life....and you've posted about 4 or 5 on this thread alone. Enough.

Enough. He gets it. You don't "get" him, and you claim to be so confused but I don't see his behavior or wording as confusing (LATELY at least)....And he knows how you feel...definitely. It's confusing b/c you contradict yourself so your inner conflict is apparent. You want to detach and look strong but you don't seem able do that. You have to. WE KNOW it's hard.
Example? Okay...
You say you are letting him go and you sometimes tell him that in the same messages in which you also say you "love him unconditionally" (translation="more than any OW will!!") then you say "but [you] will let him go (translation=I have no choice- AND am praying you will come back when you "wake up" ) .

SC, you told him a couple times you "just wish you could sit down together, and the two of you could just explain why he can do things now that you used to want to do but not with you and...blah blah blah i.e., SOME MORE BIG R TALK = pursuit pursuit and more of it...

COME ON, LEAVE HIM ALONE....you are obsessing and this is a year after he has left the home -and you are still reminding him (?!?) and re-writing/re-wording new emails as if there is something new to say, to see if you can just say it this one perfect way this one time THEN the magic secret will be revealed....no honey, that does not work. I know, I tried. I wrote appellate briefs for 3 years and thought "Man if I had my M as a case, I'd win hands down..." it did not matter. Your h cannot hear that...

Your emails and pleas for yet another "R sitdown talk" or "Just sep for 2 years w/o a divorce" and "promise to sell the house" and the pursuit in all its' forms has not worked yet and it's getting more desparate sounding to me. I think it's also that way for him and if you don't back off TODAY you may end up divorced sooner rather than buying time with the separation.

Stop expecting him to keep promises to you and honestly why even put him in a postion to do so? Let the L's get stuff in writing so there are no more promises to break; there are rules to abide by or face consequences...period. Not from you;from the court.

I am not a mind reader but let's look at what we pretty much "know".
He does not want to do those activities with you now. What's to explain? He changed his mind. Isn't that the simplest explanation? He didn't plan on it or hide secret desires for decades, he just changed and wants to explore things now that he did not previously explore.

Also he talks of remarriage. Yes he does. Remarriage must have crossed his mind. Thus, another reason for protecting yourself in writing (if it is not in writing, you are not protecting yourself by definition) SO you need to get everything in writing that you can. I do NOT believe a 2 year sep will work for him MAINLY b/c you are pursuing him and if he felt as if he had the space to live as a single man. for awhile at least, that'd be one thing. But if he dates ow you will ask him about them...oh, please do not do that anymore. He has left you, so there is no "hidden A" so stop asking him questions about OW's....really.Why get hurt again or confused as you are? Who cares if he tells YOU that he does not love her, b/c he says he doesn't love you or the dhildren either

If you truly detached (have you read the Detaching section that faithfulH referred kev4dallas to? Please do so asap) THEN MAYBE your h could relax and not need the closure of a divorce. But SC, you have not detached and you are pursuing him with intermittent breaks of insight, which are great, but short lasting...and I see real progress for you. And then big backslides... Lots of progress on the homefront thank God...That's good news. Is s18 still in HS? Is he going to college in the fall or not? Get whoever is paying for it, in writing. Their R is shaky right now so you should help protect your SON. Yes if he's only 18, he needs you to watch out for him on THIS Legal front about college if he intends to go.

Here comes another little 2 x 4...

Why is the s18's behavior on Father's Day any of your business? Why would you tell your son you are disappointed in HIS behavior on Father's Day? Let your h tell s18 if that's how h felt BUT if it's about your feelings on Father's Day and not your husband's, then back off. Why? B/C when you continue to vent here about how your H has broken so many promises and your h did not merely leave you, he left s18 too so why isn't s18 allowed to grieve and feel hurt? I have an issue of R repair between my h and our d20 so I'm familiar with the parental concerns.

Sorry but I think the biggest reason you don't want S18 bugging H, is b/c you fear it'll hurt chances of a reconciliation --which is unfair to s18 and not healthy of you. Can we say Co-dependent and or "denial", etc?

In effect You are enlisting others to help your R with h and to get h back, even now. It isn't your h's behavior that confuses me...it's yours.

You'll post one day that you don't want to reconcile with him "given who he is now"...the very next day you'll gush about his admirable qualities and how sorry you feel for him, you'll "always love him" he was "a great h and father"...etc.

Also, you make frequent demands of an unenforceable nature, wanting him to promise you to sell the dream house---to me, that may be a very foolish (though maybe understandably emotional) choice that could cost you both a lot and that also affects your children since it's their inheritance (though that is not a legal or moral "right" of theirs BUT it is something that could affect them so think of their future wealth instead of the sentimental value it has to YOU (even while admitting it might not be financially sound but you want him to promise this and that and, blah blah blah THIS makes no sense to me.

I DO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT IT...what makes no sense for me, is that you think it will matter more to him - than the financial realites - and you don't see that it makes your insecurities about OW being in "your bed" more important than 1) financially sound choices, and 2) glaringly obvious to all...how is that letting go? Where is that the strong woman image you want to show him?

SC, it smacks of obsessing and clinging....and we don't want that image at all to go out to him...you KNOW THIS...
He has moved on. So let's forget about this OW for a minute. Let's say he keeps the house and buys you out, and you invest the money in a lower priced but FINE new home, or condo, (great time to buy down here anyhow) that suits you fine...so what difference does it make what he does with the house anymore?

You said you're letting go but you are not. You are holding on to him madly, scurrying around with different versions of the graceful but -still- designed to get him to re-consider- "Goodbye emails...", and still talking about "the dreamhouse" (still calling it that is not a good sign) ...and on that note, these promises you drag out of him....

What can he say when you phrase it the desparate way you do? e.g., "this ONE promise if our M or children ever meant anything to you, or if you have a shred of honor or integrity left in you...then you must do this ONE small thing for me"....and then you again insist that he promise (always verbally, and never in writing which might be enforceble) indicates an odd pattern here. He has lied before, he has withheld information from you and he has changed his mind and yet you keep asking for meaningless promises...instead of getting it in writing...

Why? B/C you can keep contacting him? That's also why I think you are underutilizing the L's....when they are clearly needed...that's what we/they are for, when WAS's dont' keep their word OR when the spouses do NOT want the same things and you don't. Who are you kidding? You want him and ANY OW's out of the "dreamhouse" and to him that is strictly a financial choice, and as long as you get your share of the equity why should he make a diff choice?
he won't feel he screwed you or is being unfair at all. You keep harping also on how you "never intended to hurt him" but I bet he can swear on a bible he never did anything TO HURT you...he did things that hurt you as a byproduct or collateral damage. He'd have to be a real schmuck to deliberately hurt you deeply...so you need to stop hammering that point so much b/c it is another form of pursuit.

All the talk of "being honorable and having integrity" TO HIM FROM YOU, is pursuit in some form. I agree that you should practice those values buy pointing them out to him is pursuit and it is NOT letting go. In my opinion even your "going dark" was only partial and it was totally superficial in that it was not GAL...it was tactical only, to get him back and not to detach for YOU. You filled time with fillers...waiting and waiting...to see what if he...what if???

I say let him really go and live your life as if you have shut a door on a chapter and are looking forward to what happens next. yes I had two relatives who divorced and remarried YEARS
later so it does happen. But you are pursuing too much for him to make the changes and growth he needs to make for you to reconcile. The longer you are "attached" to his outcome, the slower a recon will be if it is possible. If it is NOT possible, then it slows down your moving on anyhow...

He "promised not to divorce" you, but oops he does want some closure...(SIDEBAR---do you have a L with military experience or have you spoken to JAG about this? Please do so as I dont' see how a M over 20 years does not give you full med benefits UNLESS your m and his service are not <20.... please see a JAG laweyr). As a former JAG lawyer myself, and assuming you have the 20/20 coverage, why isn't your health care a done deal?

Well so you know, I DO Think you have not flown off the handle (lately?) insanely with vitriolic disgrace... Kudos to you for that.

And you have shouldered "adult" children kindly if not co-dependently but that's for your c & you to work on...
I think you can start working on you and ONLY you and I noted your comment about that. It's crucial for every reason here.

If you do have a chance of reconciling it'd be from true detachment and you know you have some major work to do on that. Really you do. Read that section over and over every day, literally. That's my free advice which you are free to ignore.

If you don't have that chance, detaching helps you move on anyhow. If you shut a door, don't worry that he'll assume he cannot ever change his mind and that it'd be TOO HARD for him to return...that's a copout LBSers use to stay glued to the WAS...DETACH and LET GO. I believe it'll be a first for you and I know you don't want to hear that but you should in a way. B/C it's a new thing you never truly did....so who knows/ But it cannot be a tactic...

And try to enjoy the wonderful grandbaby girl you have when you do get her. Thank God for her (hope she's okay now).
It is so late and I'm nodding off now so pardon the repetitive babbling on. Just wanted to finish it before bed since you asked me to step in and look. Is there hope? A little. But back off like never before. Period. Let him hear (but not see) the busy you GAL, and allow some comfortalbe memories return back to the surface in h. Do not worry that he won't know. It's pretty silly given how many people overlap in your lives.

And last, take a breath or a pill or something...and stop worrying about the house....it's only a structure- that absorbed too much of your time and energy and brought new stresses with it. You are not competing with your h as to who is the best off or most comfortable down the road...it's about you being happy and the "winner is" the one who is happy...let's hope down the road you both are. If together, great. If not, great.
Teach your kids you can be happy with or without h
too and let them take care of their own R's. My DB coach said for me to help support the repair efforts of H with d20...but I AM NOT responsible for it.

Hard to watch I know...but NOT your responsibilty and my layman's opinion is that some of your problems with the kids is that you have made it your job to make them happy (but not you, so you are afraid at some level that you don't know what it means for you to be "happy" in a vacuum. I reccme and they have accepted that --which is a crippling thing for them.

Your children may not know how to make themselves happy and that's a challenge they need to be able to meet in life and not a burden for you to carry. It's unhealthy. (Kind of like me staying up WAY too late...OMG I'm going to crash in the morning!) Sorry about the spelling/grammar mistakes but I'm fatigued.

Good luck and keep us posted...
j-