Can anyone answer this? Part 8

[sandi2]

Renee, I went back to take another look at the beginning of your thread and I did not find anyone giving you different advice. Even from the beginning, people tried to tell you to stop clinging to him and to stop contacting him. If you were refering to people in your town or family who has talked to you....then you need to stop talking to them and listen to those on the board who are familiar with DB techniques or you will be confused! Everyone has an opinion! But we go by what is in the book. Here is a quote from one of your early threads:

In all honesty, being 3 months into this, have I really had time to start "faking" my attitude or should it still be this difficult to do. Have I had time to get over the begging him to come back and so forth. Remember I didnt know he was so unhappy until he dropped the bomb on me that day in Sept. Should I be making more progress than this or am I about on track according to the time table?

Last September......it won't be long until it is a year.....and really you have had more than six months into this stitch. I guess you said six months since the D. SirPrizeMe got very blunt with you in this post back at the end of December. It sounds like one I could have sent!

It is not too late. Leave him alone. Let him be.
You asked about a timetable. There is no timetable.

Then the very next post that you replied to Sir went like this:

Sir I spoke with him yesterday to wish him a Happy New Year.

The "oldtimers" of the DB board are telling you to leave the man alone from the very beginning and you completely ignore the tools given you. Snodderly told you right up front to step back and stop pursuing. Dawn of Hope has not been here long, but she also said this and I thought it showed a lot of wisdom and was plain spoken:

I do not want to hurt your feelings, but I think you have some 2x4s coming. Please, please, please stop contacting him except in case of a true emergency.

Was2Sad came to my thread when I first came on board and left good advice for me. This is a short quote that was given to you at the beginning of the year:

The point here is this. You are asking yourself questions again about him. You will not find answers. There are none. Only more questions. You still have not yet begun to focus enough on yourself. No amount of reading will guide him to a professional for a diagnosis of something he does not believe he has.

That post went on to say about the same thing I have been trying to tell you. But notice how you relplied. It is the same thing you are still asking.

Was2Sad do you think guilt is causing the anger in him?

Was2Sad just told you in the previous post that you would not find answers and it's like you aren't really listening.

Do you know that when I fist started to post to you, I just barely skimmed over a few of the posts to get an idea of what "you" were saying about your stitch.....not so much of what others were saying. I find it amazing that the ones I went back to read are NOT giving you different opinions and that Snodderly and I have almost said word for word the same thing over and over to you. I tried to read most of what had been posted but you had so many places and jumping around that I gave up. I did not have time to read so much and frankly it was basically the same thing being said over and over and you still were doing what Renee wants to do. I can see why some people's patience would run thin and finally give up. I don't think it is so much that you "can't understand" what is being said to you, as you often reply, but that it is you "don't want to". If it is therapy for you to journal about your day, etc., then that's fine. Most newcomes do that, but if you are not implemeting the tools that people are trying to give you, then I am concerned that many will finally give up and won't know anything else to say. You need to show you are at least putting forth one foot in front of the other to make progress.

If you go back and re-read your threads, you will see how many times you say that you "know you did the wrong thing, but........" and then you go into all the things you did that were opposite from what you should be doing. If you "know" then don't say you are trying to understand. There is a difference in trying to understand a concept and being too stubborn to put it into action. I believe you are so co-dependent on your H that you not only do not "want" to stop doing what you are doing, but I don't think you have intentions of stopping. Am I right or wrong? If I'm wrong, then tell me what your plans are for the next two weeks to keep your mind off of him and his GH. Oh, and BTW, you know when I told you in that last post that he would have a string of girlfriends? I did not know at that time he already had done that! I was under the impression he left you....using this OW as his excuse. But now I see it wasn't just one woman.

You have told us time after time how blunt he's been about wanting you to leave him alone. If he happen to say one word to you, you took it to mean he wanted you. He physically pushed you away when you were forcing yourself on him for sex. My gosh, woman, have some self-respect! I don't know what your mother has to do with your M problems, but all of us could find reasons for being the way we are. I'm not saying you don't have sufficient reasons for being co-dependent and I'm sure you have a sad story (not being sarcastic) about your past. If you want to share it and if it will help you, then fine. The point I wast to make with you is this; how will all of that that has happen in your past help you to move away from this situation now? You said you wanted to understand it and as you've been told.....you will never have all the answers. Yes, it would help to see a professional psychologist. I think you and your H needs one.

Instead of telling about your mother and why you may be so co-dependent, why not tell us how you plan to stop being co-dependent. If you know why you are that way.....that is all that matters. What you need to do next is to accept the reasons for being like you are and look at the steps you can take to change all of that. Isn't that what people have been talking about since you came here? People have said over and over how you need to work at "you" changing......not how to get your XH back into your life or keep hanging onto that emotional "rope" you keep tied to your XH.

We talk about "baby-steps", Renee, b/c that is what each person has to start with....one tiny step at a time. Can't you do that? Can't you make out a plan and take baby-steps in learning how to walk? B/c you need to walk away from your XH. No, that is not what you want to hear, is it? From what I've read...we've all said that but in our own different styles. I hope you will finally listen with your heart and know we are right and that you must begin a new chapter in your life. You are still young and can have a bright future if you will choose to walk away from this man and all his "problems". You can't fix him and he doesn't want you to. How many times is he going to have to tell you and be so ugly to you trying to make you realize he doesn't want anymore to do with you?

Let us hear how you plan to start on a fresh new path of getting better, okay?

Sandi