A Crossroads

[Can it work]

Here's the link to my last thread:

A New Thread, a New Outlook

I've decided to start a new topic for a couple of reasons. The first being that my last one is getting fairly large and is bound to lock soon. The second is that I think I've been through a bit of a transitional period lately and needed to start from a fresh canvas with what I post.

At the end of my last thread I was almost reaching the point where I was going to throw in the towel and find myself happiness elsewhere. That was probably my intention until Friday night when I went out with some friends. A friend of mine had been trying to set me up with one of her other friends. This girl seemed really nice, ticked all the right boxes and in my pre-M days I would have jumped at the chance. It turned out she really liked me too and there was a lot of flirting involved. I'd a few drinks so was relaxed and open. When things started looking more like something was going to happen though, I backed off. Way off. I couldn't do this to my W. I couldn't even believe I was contemplating it! I felt dirty and disgusted in myself. It served as a reminder how much I still love that woman who has put me through so much pain.

Then it came to Sunday. Not only was it Father's Day it was also my W's birthday. I just got her a normal card from myself but got her a really nice one from Wee Man and I also got her a beautiful canvas made up of an excellent photo I had of him. She seemed genuinely touched and grateful. I saw in her once more the woman that I love and it confused the hell out of me. It showed me that I really haven't managed to detatch very well at all. I know I've been successful in finding myself since we separated and I know that I like myself more than I did before we separated with gallons more self respect. I'm a better person for it all but I still can't shake the desire I have to reconcile with my W.

Last night I was at my W's house to bath Wee Man and spend a little time with him since work constraints have made me unable to have him staying at my house mid-week this week. After he went to bed my W and I had a quick chat and out of the blue she told me she didn't know that I knew a couple of guys I met recently through friends. I asked her how she knew that I'd met them. She said she'd seen them in a few of my photos on Bebo. Why is she still checking out my Bebo page? Again, that set my mind racing. I know I've been looking at her page on occasion but I make no secret of the fact that I'm still very much in love with her (I don't tell her that obviously though!).

I've not been posting as much lately because I just feel so confused about my feelings right now and don't really know how to proceed. She still holds my heart in her hands and I know that's a bad thing as far as DBing is concerned. I almost wish that I could stop loving her so much but I can't help it. The heart is a funny thing.

Kev