Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

What concerns me about your W is that she must realize that the "drug" of this EA is wearing off b/c she is already thinking of the possiblity of looking for somebody else to "make her happy" if he doesn't work out. She is depending on another human to bring her happiness into her life. That is not very mature at her age and she needs to know that happiness is her choice. She has to make herself happy and not think it is your job or some other man's.

Agreed, she does have co-dependent tendencies. In fact our C gave her the book "Codependent No More" to read. W got to Chapter 3 before throwing the book against the wall and stating that she couldn't identify with anything in it.

I tell you exactly what she reminds me of. One of the main things that got my attention was when I read about a couple of E-Books about womens.infadelity and I bought them and read both of them that night. They aren't that long, but it took me most of the night. I couldn't tear myself away b/c it not only described the condition I was presently in at the time, but what I would become if I continued the downward spiral ahead of me. It really, really shook me up and that was when I made my first real attempts at breaking lose of the EA. I had made weak attempts before, but after reading those two little books, I got serious. It takes both books b/c it is a continuation. I think it would be worth it to you to check it out and it would describe how your W is feeling and what to expect of her much better than I can.

Which books are those? Are you referring to "Women's Infidelity- Living in Limbo" and "Women's Infidelity II" by Michelle Langley? I got 'em both. Interesting reads. Some of the conclusions she comes to are tough to swallow, especially about the women usually being "100% done" by the time they get around to sharing their needs with their husbands- like that list my wife shared with me of her "needs" that I mentioned in a prior post- that I took as a POSITIVE sign. Good grief! Also, the section on women's guilt was kind of tough to read too. Do you or any of the other former WAWs see any validity with regards to Langley's observations on women's guilt? Some of what she writes about women's guilt almost borders on sociopathic behavior.

What she doesn't know, is this OM probably spends his life playing on women. There is no telling how many women he is stringing along at the same time. I was told that about my OM and I would not believe it. It seemed so sincere! Yeah, right! Now, I believe that that is how he past his evenings away was on line with other women when I wasn't available. There were little signs that I begin to see but did not want to admit. She will too. The problem is if she'll try to find another man.

I pointed that out to her about OM as well. All she had to do is look over his Facebook page and see all the married women who are his "friends". She just can't see what a creep he is!

She could very well be facing a MLC also.

The only possible signs I've seen are posting old H.S. photos on her Facebook page, joining her H.S. alumni club (to look up other old boyfriends perhaps? and wistful comments about the "good old days". She has also been very diligent in working out 2 hrs. a day to get in the best shape she can.

My wife still cooks and cleans the house... but it's for the benefit of the family.

I should add, however, that she hasn't been putting much effort into finding a new job.

This shows how quicly her drug is deplinishing. It is important to know if she is getting support from her friends and closest family members. If she feels they are on "her side", then it encourages her.

Although some acknowledge my faults to her, no one in her family wants to see her divorce me. She does have one friend, however, that lived the single life up through age 40, with kids, and who seems to be providing her with either neutral or somewhat positive feedback- not sure what that is though.

As a result, I had to confirm what he said and it has taken years off her life. I was the "good" daughter who she would have suspected something like this from ANYBODY before me. So, now you know how badly it shocked and disappointed her. But, do you know that in my trying to win her over to "my side" of things, I bad mouthed my H to the point that she was turning against him. She never accepted the idea of that OM by any means, but it hurt her R with my H. She's never mistreated him but she doesn't think as much of him due to my negative talk. So, your W is doing the same thing and turning people against you. The more she makes you out to be the bad guy in the MR, the more she thinks she is justified to leave you and go find happiness where ever it make take her. If she has D friends or those who have been involved in A's or are in unhappy M's, they are probably cheering her on. If her family and friends are not supporting what she's doing....she will drop them out of her life and not discuss what she's doing. So, you can watch what happens and know if they backed her up or not.

You are spot on with this. She apparently has been attacking my "sincerity" with her family, trying to develop some skepticism with them over me. I suspect that this has had limited success with my SILs but very little effect with my BILs and FIL. My FIL is a strong supporter of me and our family, he had a talk with W about the A and the M that did not end well and they haven't been talking much which is too bad as they are close. It is ironic how the only two people my W says she trusts her life with- her H and her Dad- are the two people she is most on the outs with right now.

But, hopefully, she will notice how you are looking really great b/c you are working out (right?) and wearing good-looking new clothes and wearing great cologne when you go out........and she wonders what is that all about. Then she is aware of how much time you are away from her and you always seem to have something else to do that doesn't include her! Hey, you are GAL!! You are not showing you care one twit about her or what she's doing in "her" life!! She notices that you are not available to her like you use to be. Oh.....hummmm......that makes you interesting to her and gets her attention. At least, we hope it does. A person never knows if the WAW will look back at her LBH or not when he drops the rope, but for sure, she won't if he doesn't. I think in most cases that dropping the rope is the only hope for the LBH. It only works......(are you listening closely here?)....it only works if you do it for your sake and not to win her back. I told you the positive things that "may" happen as a result of you dropping the rope, but it doesn't happen every time. However, even if it doesn't....you will be able to gain strength and self-esteem to the place you are much better off than you are now. Right now, you don't think that is possible, but many men have experienced that very thing. Some have found out that they became detached much more rapidly than they thought possible. It is called....survival. I think it is your only chance with your WAW.

Haven't seen too much of this yet, but then I haven't dropped the rope until now. So far, she has admitted that I'm still handsome, although she makes a point to never reciprocate compliments no matter how good I'm looking.

I agree with you on dropping the rope, if even for the sake of survival. I've got to do it for me and for the kids sakes.

Hey thanks again Sandi for another great post!