What's it really all about?

[aliveandkicking]

Alex- I thought the letter was beautiful and a perfect length for those of us obsessed with DB and marriage conversations. For a WAS, too long IMO.

My approach would/will be more about having a clear conscience that we did everything we could so that we can both move on with clarity and mutual respect.

I don't know if co-parenting is the issue...perhaps.

My current experience is that I am not so convinced that H and I can have the kind of M I want and I would like to propose we walk into Retrovaille as partners in our openness and ambivalence...I truly feel that I can relate to him now and I would like to emphasize that. I would like to create that bridge between us because it is genuine.

Sorry, I haven't composed mine or I would share it. Working on it.

[AlexEN]

My approach would/will be more about having a clear conscience that we did everything we could so that we can both move on with clarity and mutual respect.

I don't know if co-parenting is the issue...perhaps.

My current experience is that I am not so convinced that H and I can have the kind of M I want and I would like to propose we walk into Retrovaille as partners in our openness and ambivalence...I truly feel that I can relate to him now and I would like to emphasize that. I would like to create that bridge between us because it is genuine.

Her conscience is clear; she believes she HAS done everything she can...

However, that effort was tainted. It was never without a "third wheel" in the picture...

Without an effort on her part, too, moving on with mutual respect cannot occur. She may well not respect me either...

So, in my sitch, co-parenting is a very important issue.

I do like this:

I would like to propose we walk into Retrovaille as partners in our openness and ambivalence...

But, for the reasons above, openness may be a stretch, too...

[fb2]

Didn't you say early that intimacy = into-me-see and isn't this the same as being vulnerable?

[AlexEN]

Short simple and bittersweet. I know you are too emotional to take all emotion out. But that is the way I would say it (in Greek).

Do I need to take the emotion out if it's for my sake and not for her sake?

[AlexEN]

Puppy,

You wrote:

I don't think there's anything wrong with a "parting shot/let-me-be-on-the-record" letter (I did it, as I think you know). But you can't "teach" a wayward.

If I knew,I forgot... As Chocolate Eyes?

Not now, but at some point in the future, I have to remeber to ask you about another "let-me-be-on-the-record" thought I wanted to get your opinion on... But, in the short-term, I have to keep my eye on kid target which is getting closer and closer... $ucks...

[AlexEN]

Oh, I think it can be CONVEYED, but I don't think they're in a frame of mind to RECEIVE it that way.

If you're looking for an "ideal script," that they can read years later and see what a wonderful guy you were/are and how you fought the good fight, then yeah. But just don't expect them to "get it" now.

Puppy

The real "get it" now idea I most want to convey is that, IMO, to effectively co-parent, we need to communicate better and re-build some trust (or we will hurt them) "on their face" and for NO other reason...

Maybe she "gets it" in 20 years, maybe she doesn't, but in the meanwhile, per above, if it works for me, the "fluff" is what it is...

[AlexEN]

Maybe vulnerable is the wrong word. IMO, keeping somewhere deep inside the spark alive that could again become love. IMO again, it means to not completely reject the person. Isolate the behavior and be strong enough to not let their actions hurt you.

Agreed... It isn't rejecting, it's letting go and accepting even when not agreeing that it is the "right" call...

[aliveandkicking]

Her conscience is clear; she believes she HAS done everything she can...

You don't really know what she believes...you only know what she has told you.

You need to speak your truth concisely.

In my case, I wish for myself and my H to be able to look back and know that we did everything we could AND given the high success rate of Retrouvaille, if it doesn't work, we can both ease off a little and know that we tried what is considered by many (including judges and MC) as a last resort. No one seems to regret going and communication and understanding are improved.

I don't think this can be presented as just for the kids with any real authenticity. Unless, that is your truth.

[AlexEN]

Her conscience is clear; she believes she HAS done everything she can...

You don't really know what she believes...you only know what she has told you.

You need to speak your truth concisely.

I don't think this can be presented as just for the kids with any real authenticity. Unless, that is your truth.

Hmmm... I've got to think on this one...

It's late here and I haven't had any cappys...

If I am LISTENING to her, it is HER truth but my REALITY...

In that sense, it is an authentic (my reality) truth (albeit her truth).

I AM ambivalent about US, but I can't stand the thought of another 10-15 years of cooperatively co-parenting without addressing some of the communications problems we've had...

Otherwise, we might as well just stay married...

[aliveandkicking]

I AM ambivalent about US, but I can't stand the thought of another 10-15 years of cooperatively co-parenting without addressing some of the communications problems we've had...

Rework that and there's your letter. IMO.