WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Some more journaling.

I had my 7 year old today again. It was nice to have some more one on one time with him. She called a couple of times for some tactical stuff and asked to talk to him once. I did call her once to ask her if she or her mom can watch the boys for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I can go meet a recruiter.

We did meet for dinner tonite. I got there with my 7 year old first. Since it was such a nice nite, we got a table outside. I knew that was something she had always prefered and it was something that I wanted to do since it's the first nite in almost a week that it wasn't raining. When she got there, we ordered a couple of beers and when we finished those we got a pitcher.

We had a good time during dinner just laughing/joking around. Her back was really bothering her so she asked me to give her a hug to crack her back before dinner. I did, but it didn't crack this time. I then told her to sit down and I massaged her back a little to try and loosen it up before I tried to crack it again. This time a cracked a little bit, but she was still in pain (she said it hurt to try and take a deep breath).

We continued to laugh and joke. One time it was sexual, where I poured her a beer and she joked about the amount of foam saying "Hey, I'm suppose to give head, not get it" We had joked sexually a couple of times during the baseball game, where I passed her a twizzler and teased her tongue with it before putting it in her mouth. Then she played with it with her tongue some what.

Another time, when she was complaing about her feet hurting as well, I was massaging her feet and she playfully nestled it in my lap with a smile.

We had gotten done with dinner but we stayed to finish our pitcher of beer. Our boys played on the deck with a couple of other kids from another table (it wasn't very crowded so it worked out well to have room for the kids to play). We continued just chatting away and I talked to her more about my club/bar/resturant idea. She seemed interested and excited about it. This was a topic that was clearly that I was passionate and confident about so hopefully she sensed/saw it as well.

The only slip up I had was when she was talking about having a jazz nite as that was something that she was looking to find (a local jazz club/bar). I offered that we could get her mom to watch the kids as I knew where there was a good one. She quietly declined and I quickly shifted gears to a more upbeat topic.

When it was time to leave, we walked to our cars. I stayed upbeat and positive as I put the boys in my truck as she walked to her car. She came over to the car to give the boys hugs and kisses good bye. Then she asked me to hug her again try and crack her back again. I did and it cracked slightly. I let her go and said "Have a good nite and I hope your back feels better"

I'm not sure if she noticed but the boys didn't cry that she wasn't coming with us nor the fact that they were coming home. I'm sure it bugs her a little bit, particularly from her comment the other nite of knowing that she's going to be viewed as the bad guy by the boys.

No call or text from her tonite, but it really didn't bother me. I wished that she did but it's not eating away at me like it had in the past when she doesn't call/text.

So I think I'm firming up in the friends department and know I can't rush it, but really want to move beyond friends. The fact that she's living in an apartment while I've lost my job is a real drain on our finances.