Can anyone answer this? Part 8

[sandi2]

Oh Renee, yes it is sad. I think he needs professional help b/c I think his problem started a long time ago.

Now listen to me carefully. You are very, very co-dependent on this man and you MUST break it off NOW. You are going down if you don't help yourself. For God's sake don't call him anymore. And....I can't believe you gave him money. Sweetie, you cannot buy people's affection, love or friendship! It is so sad and pitiful the way you have tried everything you can think of to "make" him not be angry with you. It is as if you can deal with him living with OW and the D but you cannot stand the thought of him being angry with you. Why? Why is that, Renee? YOU are the one who has a right to be mad as h*ll with him! Don't you get that? Why should he be mad at you? Well.....don't even try to answer, b/c I've read enough that I know what your answer will be. But, that answer does not make what he's doing RIGHT.

Do NOT try to see him ever again except if your son is in the ER about to die, getting M or having a baby! And then "you" don't need to make the call....have another person inform him. Let your son if he isn't in ER! Do you get that? Never! Never talk to him, never leave voice mail, never send leters, never send emails, and never send a message by another person to him. It is over....finished.....through! No, I do not think that he will ever go back to you and I sure don't think he will get over his anger with you....EVER. B/c you are his patsy and it's too easy to blame you for everything that ever made him unhappy! And futhermore....YOU TOOK THE BLAME! I don't get it. I don't get you! I've tried to understand and I've tried to be patient and I still care very much!

I get loving a person all your life, but this is sick IMHO. It is not love....it is something else.....and I wish to God you could get to a professional for help with it. I'm not trying to beat you up, but I am very frustrated that you can't see what you are doing and how unhealthy all of it is. Even though I realize everyone is not like me, and I don't expect them to be....I can't understand how a man could treat a woman as horrible as he's treated you and you are worried to death he may always be angry at you and you just want to be friends with him. You sound like a woman who has been physically abused and she's still worried that her H will be angry...even if he's locked up in the pen for nearly killing her! I see the signs of a form of abuse in your M based on my own connections with the problem....as I've explained before. That is why I say you need help, sweetie, professional help. Surly there is somebody that you can pay on a "sliding scale" rate. Research to see if there is a Christian counseling center in the area...that can help you.

So...you had 20 years together! If he committed the worst crime you could imagaine, would you still cling to him and cry, "But we had 20 years together"? It is time to put this behind you and move on. People change, Renee, and often it is not for the better. He is a prime example of not changing for the better and there is not one thing you can do about it. Why bother? You cannot change him.....get that through your head. You cannot change the situation with him, but you can change YOUR life for the better if you will stop this crying over some sorry excuse of a mna and move on. I know it has not seem enough time.....I can understand, but at the same time, a person has to help themselves. They have to "accept" things as they are and stop fantasizing about changing it. That is what keeps you pulled down. You are constantly replaying the past, wondering what went wrong and what "you" could have done differently....and it is very unhealthy. You said you needed to understand what went wrong before you could move on. why? What difference would it make? It won't change reality. I did try to take all of that into consideration when you explained it had been six months since the D, but in all your posts of rehashing the past events......what has come of it? Nothing but more pain, so I see no benefit for you to put yourself through that pain when there is nothing you can do about it. You said you could learn so you would not repeat it in the future. Well....the most important thing to learn is NOT to marry another man like "this" man. That is the most valuable lesson here. Yes, you can learn and I see things you have owned up to in the bad decisions you made regarding your son and other things. It's good that you've done that, sweetie, it really is. But it worries me that you keep playing out in your mind what "he" did to you, to the son, and in the MR. You worry about him now and how he feels toward you .....now. That's not right....in my book. You have tried to talk to him and see him and nothing will appease him where you are concerned, so give it up.

Look at it this way.....what if it was a disease that you could not understand anything about it? You would still have to deal with the results of what the disease was doing.

I suppose I am verbally shaking you so you will get a grip and realize how all that stuff about wanting to tell him you forgive him, etc. is useless. He doesn't give a cr@p if you forgive him or not! So, he can't handle the guilt, and he probably isn't truly happy.......he's not looking to you to change that. You need to face the truth Renee, and stop trying to see a way that you can squeeze into the picture.

The bandaide can only last so long it seems.

You are right! However, in all honesty, I don't see him returning to you after the bandaide therapy stops working. I think he will find another avenue in life or a different woman. He will go the rest of his life trying to find a new bandaide b/c that is the kind of man he is. He holds onto his anger b/c he "wants" to hold it. You can pray for him to find the help he needs, but please stop doing this to yourself.

I'm sure you will not like what I've said and I know it has been tough for you to read. If you don't want me to send anymore posts, I'll respect that. However, I had to tell you what is about to explode from my head b/c it gets me so bad to see you do this to yourself. He's not doing it, Renee, YOU are doing it. You asked me "how" you let go of him. You leave him alone! You detach from him physically and emotionally. That's how. Stop thinking of ways to contact him and keep him as a friend. You don't need him as a friend!! You move on with your life and stop dwelling on him all the time. You fill every waking moment with him on your mind. You may try to pretend you don't when around others, but I know you do. It takes mental discipline and it's not easy....but it is very possible b/c people do it all the time. You pull back everytime you find yourself thinking of him and find something else to occupy your mind. You have to do this "on purpose". The more co-dependent a person is, the harder it is to wean themselves. Yes, I said "wean" b/c in many ways he is like an addiction to you. A sick addiction that makes no sense to the "lay person" who is not a professional counsselor.

I have told you what I 100% feel that you should do. If you choose to ignore people's advice and butt with your own head.....you are opening yourself for much more pain. Seek peace b/c it is the best thing to have. When I was young and immature, I sought "happiness" and looked for my ship to arrive every day. It did not happen. That only happen in movies and dreams. But, I did find "peace of mind" and I can tell you that it is the best!

Take care of yourself,
Sandi