Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Thinker]

Well, this evening we went back to Joint MC for the first time in a long time. Wow, also for the first time my W did the vast majority of the talking, so that is a step - forward I think. The discussion was not at all positive, and the C did not really know how to handle it. He seemed shocked by the harsh statements she was making and by my calm acceptance of them, but in reality, it was nothing I had not heard before and I was feeling pretty detached.

Mrs. Thinker started with a statement that she was done, did not think the M could work, was not attracted to me in any way, there was nothing that could be changed, it was all inherent in who we are, had never been there, etc etc. She and the C both wanted to make sure that I knew that she was not saying this because she was angry or because she wanted to make me angry ("I'm Not, I'm OK, I understand") or to hurt me, but it was just a statement of her feelings and facts ("I understand")

She then started in with how she thought the best thing to do was to separate, but that I was trapping her there, how unfair of me that was, how if we separated I planned to tell everyone it was her fault and that she was a bad person, etc.

The C switched to me and I said that I agreed with her that "the M had not been good for the past years", and "I was not trapping her" and had never threatened to tell everyone that it was all her fault. "However," I said "I do not want anything to do with the breakup of our family and our home. If want to separate or divorce and you move out, then I will have to accept that, but I am not going to be moving out." "See hes trapping me she exclaimed! He want's to blame it all on me!" at which point the C interjected "No, actually, he did not say that and I don't think he is"

At this point she threatened "Well maybe I'll just move out and leave you with the three kids and you can see just how you manage it all by yourself". "Well," I replied, "in that case I would just have to accept that and figure out how to manage it." This left only a silence and a pout from her.

She did announce to the C (unprodded by me) that we had agreed to attend the "weekend seminar" (ie Retrovaille) in September, and then went further to make sure that I knew that it wasn't just a weekend I was committing to, but that there were 8 follow up sessions as well (In case that made me change my mind??). She had obviously spent some time on the Retrovaille website. He asked a few questions, and we discussed maybe selecting a session in August instead of September, since things were uncomfortable at home and September was still 3 months away.

We talked a bit about the level of discomfort in the house. I said that while I felt relaxed much of the time (I do now), I could tell that W was often stressed and tense. I asked if it had anything to do with something I was or was not doing, or whether it was just due to me being there. She replied that she did not know why, and could not control it, but she just felt uncomfortable in my presence. She did not think there was anything I could do about it - just the way it is (and in her mind, the way it will be, nothing that can be done about it)

I said that it was clear to me that things had gotten worse over the past months - that she was more tense, less affectionate, etc. and asked why she thought that was. Her response surprised me (and the C almost fell off his chair) - "It's because of You! It's all of these changes you are making in yourself! They sicken me! I mean, what, here you have been clueless for 13 years" (the amount of time we have known each other)" and now all of the sudden you are super aware and superdad who always spends time with his kids and always helps out and... I don't know who this person is and I don't like him! He disgusts me!"

The C (Clueless!!) then tried to put words in her mouth saying "I thought you were going to say it's because you didn't know what you wanted before but now you are more sure", to which she replied "Yeah well, that too, but it's more the changes"

There was a period of mutual complaining - her complaining that I still wanted to act like a couple and about some of my GAL activities where I did not take my cell phone or tell her where I was going, and me complaining about some of her recent lying (with her still flat out denying it - "well, what I said happened was not what actually happened, but I wasn't lying". This lead the C to try to walk us setting some boundaries - tell each other where you are going, answer your cell phones, don't invite yourself along if the other is going somewhere (wait for an invitation), no dating other people - all really the C's idea.

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We went for a walk afterward, got iced coffee at Starbucks and drank it sitting silently next to each other on some steps in town, watching the traffic go by. We talked a little bit about my work and some positive changes I wanted to make there, and then headed home to relieve the babysitter.

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We're scheduled for another session in 2 weeks. Next week she is heading to visit MIL for a week, and I am taking the kids to the beach with my extended family.