Put it in your mind that you are never going to speak with XH again except for special occasions like your son's wedding or birth of grandchildren. It worked for my parents.
I think your biggest concern now should be in getting your son to become an independent man. When I got out of the military, I moved back in with my father and his wife. I was there about a month before he gave me the boot. I did not take it personal and it caused me to figure out that I needed to fend for myself. Right now I think you are being an enabler to your son developing lazy habits.
The hard part for you is going to be making some drastic changes.
