Just wanted to clarify a few things. My post was long and may have been confusing.
We are not D yet. 12/08 H filed doing own paperwork ( no attorney ) 12/08 I responded w/ attorney 6/09 Still married living together ( separate rooms )
OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!! Yes, that could make some difference in my admive. Shoot! Well, okay.....hummmm......I will think a minute and see if I need to back up and start over.
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My attorney says this is the weirdest divorce she has ever worked on.
I did misunderstand. I could not imagine why you would continue to live in the same house with the man who D you. But as for the advice I gave you......I stand by what I said. The reason is this, based on what i've read over time on the subject of MLC and how long it "can" take for a person to come through it......you may be looking up to five years before he wakes up. By then, he could be M to OW or do any other crazy thing that comes to his mind. He may take off oa a bike and never come back home. One never knows what a man in MLC may get in his head. I won't say it is a "fact" b/c it is strickly based on what I have read on the board, but it appears that it is harder for men in MLC to get through the process as quickly as women do. So much of a woman's is based on fantasy and her hormone changes, and I think a man's is somewhat different. I certainly am no authority on the subject!!
Anyway, MJ, I don't think what you have been doing has made any difference in the stitch, do you? I think you need a different plan of action. I will go back an tweet my last post since I know you are legally M.
As far making love with him.......I thought the two of you were sleeping in different rooms. Did he come back to the master bedroom or does he just show up when he needs sex from you? Or......is it "you" that goes to him needing sex?
I'll not print the entire last post, but may make some changes.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is the ONLY thing I would change a tiny bit in how to respond to something he might possibly say:
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Then you can remind him that you owe him no explainations b/c you are a single lady who is free to do whatever she wants to do. If he finally gets the idea that his XW is "FREE"........then that may be the first tiny step in opening his eyes
Instead of reminding him that you "are" single......tell him you "will be a D lady and soon to be single and free".
As far as he's concerned, he is free right now! How long will it take before the D is final?
I personally would not make love to a man who disliked me to the point of filing for a divorce! If the man told me that he no longer loved me and wanted another woman....no way in h*ll would I have sex with him! But that is Sandi's feelings. But, I think it goes back to your low self-esteem and trying to win him back, MJ.
Anyway, since you are leaving for a three week trip, that holds all kinds of special possibilities. It could be like a new starting point for you. This is the way I see handling things, okay? If I were you, I would not make any contact what-so-ever during the point of leaving your house until you returned. He "needs" that space and time without seeing or hearing from you. You need it also! You need to go with the intent of having a ball and not thinking about your stitch. You need some emotional healing and some lift in your spirit. So, resist thinking and talking about your stitch while gone on your trip. Don't be calling your H, whatever you do! If you break down and contact him, it will show how weak you are and he will not be one bit impressed. However, if you don't contact him......I think he will notice that! Can you do it? Of course you can do it.....you can do whatever you set your mind to do.
When you return home, that can be a brand new start for you. In fact, you can begin living a new life and if he makes any remarks about it, then tell him you've decided to start living like a single person since you are going to be one soon and why should you act like a "wife" any longer. He needs to get the idea that he will not be the only one that will be "free" from this R. The difference here is that he has more or less committed himself to OW, already, where you could be free to date as many men as you want.....or to go party as often as you like and answer to nobody! Now, that may not be your cup of tea at all.....it wouldn't mine, but I just used that to illistrate my point. GAL can be anything you life. Heck, go to the library and read until closing time or walk the mall or find a friend's house to go spend several hours. Whatever it takes to get you out of that house with him while he's there. He needs to believe he's lost you, MJ. As long as you are playing the role of his "wife", do you think he'll be worried? Nope! He needs to see you out and about having a good time, enjoying life. The point is not to tell him what you are doing. Be very vague....without lying. Don't give details and hesitate when answering as if you are "thinking" about what to say. Remember, you don't owe him any explanations. Does he give you details about his dates with OW? I doubt it! So, you answer with....."Hummmm......I just went to the mall and looked around". It would be the truth, but he has a tiny bit of doubt and wonder if there was somebody you were meeting. Am I telling you to do things that are immoral? No, I'm telling you to become an interesting person who he doesn't see "WIFE" written across her forehead. When we are mysterious, we become intesteing. When we become unavailable, we become interesting. It is human nature. If he thinks you are no longer intested in him.....then more than likely, he'll get his attention back on you again. I can't promise that b/c it doesn't happen each time and that's why you have to be willing to go on and live life as if he will no longer be a part of it.
So, those are my thoughts. Don't know how well I did in expressing them and I hope I didn't give the wrong idea. Maybe you will read my posts better than I interpreted yours...lol.
Hope you have a good trip away from home. If you can, be sure to stay in touch with us so we won't lose that contact. But, if you can't then please come back to the board and catch us up to date.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Sandi... Thank you for spending so much time with me.
As far as I can tell, he started changing soon after he bought the Harley. He is a writer and a loner type of guy. Doesn't like crowds, and was content to stay at home watching classic movies. He bought the bike three years ago. We loved taking trips on that bike together. Also built up the Harley wardrobe. Then he started riding the bike more and more by himself. He said he loved the solitude and the open road. I loved riding with him on that bike. Now when I look at that bike it disgusts me. I know skank probably rides with him all the time now. Sometimes when I pull into the garage, I feel like knocking that bike over with my car. But, I wouldn't do that, because after all I'm not in a fog and need to be the bigger person here. If this D were to be busted, we would have to get a new bike. I couldn't stand to be sitting on that seat where she sat.
There has yet to be a D date. I responded in January, and there hasn't been any more action. I'm thinking maybe he doesn't want to give up what I'm entitled to. So he is procrastinating. We are in separate bedrooms, and there has been no physical contact in over a year. Ouch, that hurt to write down! That was probably about the time he started having physical contact with skank. Did I mention that she is fifteen years younger than him, and has been married three times? And one of those marriages, her H cheated on her.
I plan on taking my laptop with me on vacation. So I will be checking in.
Scenerio from last night -
H came home right after work. Then asked me if he could make me anything for dinner. I said no, because I had a big lunch and was just going to have a dessert of some sort. He then made himself a frozen dinner. I was watching a movie in the livingroom and he asked me if I was going to leave it on. I said yes, and he joined me. When he went to bed last night, he even said good night. He hasn't done that in a long time. He even left the door open. He usually closes it. Could this be because he saw me get the suitcases out of the closet the day before?
Who knows -- it could mean something, or it could mean nothing at all. In general, when they are having an affair the rule of thumb is "Good = Bad" and "Bad = Good" as far as their moods go, so he may have just had his Skank fix.
Try not to dwell on the "What does it Mean?"s. Just do your own thing.
Got to thinking when I was posting this on someone else's thread that it may be good to put it here also.
I always thought what prompted my H MLC was to prove that he's still "got it".
He's in his middle 50's and somewhat overweight. He has a high profile job in the town we live in. OW is 15 years younger than him, and used to work in his office. I think she wants the notoriety, his house, and the play things. If he didn't have all that, I don't think she would have had an interest in him. She recently got D for the third time ( one of her H cheated on her) and she cried on his shoulder. She cried, he was weak, he fell.
Could be the title of any book about an MLC man and the OW.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Puppy is right.....don't analyze everything he says and does or you'll go crazy trying to figure him out!
About the OW not wanting him if he had not been in his "position" at work......you got it!! I would never have looked twice at my OM if he had not been in the position that I saw as "higher up" and I saw him as a successful man and it turned me on. Yuck!
The OW fed his ego, acted like the damsal in destress and the rest is history. Have you heard the term used on the board.....DAM? Well, your H fits the bill.
Talk later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Tomorrow I will be leaving for three weeks to visit my D on the East Coast. I am on the West Coast.
I am so down... I should be excited to go and get away from this for a while.
Maybe it's because I know he will have three weeks to come and go freely with OW without me being around. I don't want her in my house! He is so fogged up he won't show any respect for that.
Maybe it's because I'm going to miss my dogs! I don't want her around them either! lol
