Just wanted to journal about tonight. It helps me think things over as well.
So we met and went out for dinner. H always wants to eat when I see him! I suppose its that time of day since its almost always after work. It went ok. I think I did my part well, as far as what I planed to do.
I still feel like I am missing some things in there when we talk. He told me about his bday, said it wasnt the best one ever but was ok. So I asked why wasn't it so great? and he said, you know how my family is they didn't get me anything and didn't even all bother to call, etc etc. I wouldn't say his family is a 'family' in the same sense mine is, which is something he always liked from being a part of 'my' side of the family. Bc he doesn't get that at home. He couldn't believe how birthdays/holidays are with my family, he always felt really special when my family did him a birthday party, I know it was a big deal for him. I tried to say that he knows, his family's responce is not bc of him or a reflection of him. I tried to say something else here about this cant really remember how or what. but I could tell he was pretty down about this and actually got quite sad, as he often does about how they treat him and how this makes him feel as a result. I got a bit tripped up and didn't really know what to say bc I could see he was being open about it and really showing his emotions and must of felt quite vulnerable. I think a lot of his self esteem problems come from this and from him always trying to do well and show them or make them proud but then rarely get acknowledged or whatever. He often said he feels nothing he does is ever good enough and sadly holds himself to the same standards.
Anyway I guess I need to work on how to communicate with him when he does open up. I think in the past I would validate and comfort him lovingly but now need to find a way that still works with the distance that is between us, if that makes sense.
He talked to me about my apartment search and what I am thinking of doing, if anything was set up. He mentioned about needing to come and pack his things up sometime. Also said its a nightmare bc he'll have to move it to where he is living now, but that he knows he has to move in less than 8 weeks (landlord wants house back) but needs to find a new place so will have to move all his stuff twice. We talked about this and other options.
Every thing else went smoothly. I gave him the gift, he really liked it. He said it was really nice of me. I told him I wanted to do something for him and that he got me something, etc. didnt say this but I also thought he prob wouldn't get anything from his family or anything so thought it would mean a lot to him as a gesture.
We touched on money issues and I offered to do what I had planned on doing, he said I could just wait til next time. But I said I didn't see any point in waiting and it would probably help him out if he was struggling (ok maybe shouldnt of said that) I also brought up the deposit on the apt here. I said its prob fair if we split that when it comes back. He didn't like this and just said did you pay towards it when we moved in? I said well I didn't have a job at that point since we moved here for your job, but that it was 'our' income at the time. I think this was all getting a bit sticky, could see it could turn into an argument but didnt get drawn in, just stated my side and listened to his and said ok, lets think on it. but I'm sure I paid some stuff somewhere and thought this was fair. He got quite annoyed but kept it pretty held back. I could tell tho he was upset. He just said he doesn't want to think about bills and money, he hasnt checked his bank in a while doesnt even know how much he has left this month. This is a bad habit of his, not wanting to deal with problems so ignoring them...ha, like he did with relationship problems until it was so far down the road I didn't even have a clue. I see this reoccurring still especially with money things. But hey im not here to fix his problems! Gotta let this go. He wanted to talk about it next time when we do the bills. So I left it but again said what I was going to do(as it was what I had decided and didn't see a point in waiting on that part) he acknowledged and said ok.
He gave me a big hug as he left. I peeked out the window to see him go (I used to always do this and wave when we were together) but he saw me and waved! crap! should have stayed away, but he caught me so just waved instead. I guess it doesn't matter, but don't want him to think I'm watching him go, but then again...he was looking for me when he left?
Anyway, gosh sorry this got long again, I tend to get 'thinking' away sometimes.
He always texts me after he leaves on his way home. He said thanks for everything and it was good catching up.
I had mentioned that I know the moving things is hard on both of us but that I am willing to work with him and that I am sure it will all be ok.
He said he is glad we can both sort it out as it wouldnt be fair left to one person. Then he said, it would be good for both of us to have it all done and dusted. And that he is really glad we can still have a chat and stuff.
SO I think it was ok, I didn't get upset when he talked about moving his things out, but then he didn't really want to commit to a date or anything to do it either. Also didn't really like the 'done and dusted' comment, but well can't really say much to that can I?
I didn't mention OW, I get the feeling that its not what he thought it would be. Don't even know if OW is an OW? But as long as its a possibility I am treating her as one.
Thanks to those that stuck with me thru these long posts! And for all the support I've gotten, it really helps so much especially to get outside views on my sitch since sometimes its like being in the middle of a whirl not being able to see it all clearly.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09