What's it really all about?

[AlexEN]

But just don't expect them to "get it" now.

I promise you the DONT get it. They cant. Their little grey brain cells are programmed to NOT get it. Period.
What is your goal: "bye bye have a good life, be well so that my kids have a mother" type of letter? What it is? Trying to sound determined?

And when we say vulnerability and detachment dont assume you have to SHOW vulnerability at all phases. Just keep your heart vulnerable. It may be productive to show otherwise to your W, but INSIDE, keep that spark alive.

Anyway, my H responded well to "have a nice life, sure I want you to be well and find a nice woman to make you happy but you are only the father to my kids for me". And I was sweet, no emotion, polite and short. Of course he bought it when I truly meant it... Talking about a mess!!!!
K

Kalni,

Fair question...

My goal in writing:

- Letting go; letting her know I accept, but do not agree with her decision;

- I understand and accept my (portion of) the responsibility of how we got where we are;

- Reminding her that I do not want to be her "best friend";

- Presenting my belief that whether or not we are ever friends again is irrelevant at this point time, we still have to be "friendy" (to use SP's word) to co-parent;

- That means we each have to let go of the power struggle and try to communicate better than we have and to try to begin to trust each other for the sake of communicating and trusting alone, not to save us, or our marriage, because I have let go of that.

Kind of harkens to today's thread at Smiley's Place about "accepting" and not "notgivingashit" while remaining vulnerable...

I couldn't agree with you more about "keeping your heart vulnerable"; that's what I was trying to get to in my long post on Smiley's board today... and what I refuse to give up now that I've found it while doing my Work on Me.

See, you do express yourself in our tongue better than most of us do... especially we wordy ones.

-AlexEN

[Kalni]

Dear W,
AFter what has happened I feel it is time for me to show you my love with actions although you know I dont agree with your decision. So, I let you go. I accept and respect your need to end this M the same way I have recognised and accepted my role to what has happened.

I think we both are on the same boat (see, squeezed in that kayak story ) regarding our kid's best interests to maintain a healthy-frendly relationship. I will do my best and trust you will do the same.

Closing paragraph of yoru choice... LOL!!!

Short simple and bittersweet. I know you are too emotional to take all emotion out. But that is the way I would say it (in Greek).

I didnt write to him that. But I DID I tell him and asked for the divorce. I even said, "we can be friends and I can see you sleeping here on the couch in a few months, maybe not now, but someday we will both be comfortable with that". It was Easter 2008 after I had found a call to OW that really hurt. My calmness and matter of fact attitude, did shake him back then... (it took him another 8 months to respond).
K

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Being vulnerable doesn't mean you're open to being hurt.

How does it NOT???

[Sara]

Right, that is exactly what vulnerable means.

[Kalni]

Maybe vulnerable is the wrong word. IMO, keeping somewhere deep inside the spark alive that could again become love. IMO again, it means to not completely reject the person. Isolate the behavior and be strong enough to not let their actions hurt you.

[Coach]

Being vulnerable doesn't mean you're open to being hurt.

How does it NOT???

Vunerable implies you need to have defenses in place. We defend weak places so we don't get hurt. You can't hurt me if I am secure in my heart about who I am, how much I love myself, and that I will allow you to see into me with no expectations. It's pushing to being self-less in love. It's being transparent and real. I am happy just the way I am and you can't say or do anything to move me off center. I realize that I'm human and it might sting and you can heighten my happiness but it's all my responsibility in the end. I am complete by myself.
"You do the world no good living small." All I have to give is me, if I give of myself that makes me vunerable but if done out of love then it's solid. A concept I heard as a kid but just starting to understand- God is Love. So if I have a choice, I choose to be loving and give of myself. So the gift of being vunerable, open, and loving is riskless.

[Greek]

AlexEN ~~~

Whoever said the art of letter-writing is dead, hasn't met you!

My suggestion is that you revisit your letter for length. I know you mean everything you've written there. But some of it is more important than other parts, right? If I were you, I would downsize it to the most beautiful points. I think that will stick with her mo-betta. And you want to be memorable, right? Right!

Cheers ~~~

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Coach,

Would that we were all so centered and emotionally healthy. I don't know about you, but I'm nowhere near there yet, and until I am, I'm sorry, but "vulnerable" = "open to being HURT"

Puppy

[AlexEN]

AlexEN ~~~

Whoever said the art of letter-writing is dead, hasn't met you!

My suggestion is that you revisit your letter for length. I know you mean everything you've written there. But some of it is more important than other parts, right? If I were you, I would downsize it to the most beautiful points. I think that will stick with her mo-betta. And you want to be memorable, right? Right!

Cheers ~~~

Greek,

Right...

And Funny you should say that (and thanks, I think, for the complement)...

Right?

I just cut it back to somewhere between its prior length and Kalni's shortened version which I'm still having trouble translating into (the other) Greek?

Thanks Kalni...

[Coach]

Coach,

Would that we were all so centered and emotionally healthy. I don't know about you, but I'm nowhere near there yet, and until I am, I'm sorry, but "vulnerable" = "open to being HURT"

Puppy

Puppy, I get that. I am learning everyday. I am just trying to drop the fear of being hurt, I am finding the risk (fear) is mostly my doing. Would you rather be around someone who is open, gives honest feedback, shares their feelings, and has your best interest at heart or someone guarded and always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Life is much more fun playing offense instead of defense.
Cheers

ps Tell Mules to hook you up with me in the alt univ.