"Why can't you every think about anybody but yourself!"
You will need to listen to this, she will say something like it again. She is mind reading. In the past she wanted to know what you were thinking and you didn't let her in so she fills in the space (mind reading).
"actually wife I don't think about anybody but myself, I think about the kids and how this effects them, I think about you and how you might be hurting, I think about my clients at work and what the economy is doing to them, I think about............ I also think about what God thinks of the job I am doing right now and what he would tell me to do better. So really I don't just think about myself, if you want to know what I am thinking please ask and I will be glad to talk to you."
Put it in your words and be ready. The new Thinker is aware and ready to dispel myths and spread the truth about himself. Opportunity for you to lead again. Just be calm, cool, consistent and confident. This is healthy communication. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I fell down in the past when she complained about something that felt personal to me.
Head, meet brick wall. I had that challenge for quite a while, finally just dropped the rope and started saying: "I appreciate that that's your POV, but I don't agree."
"Why can't you every think about anybody but yourself!"
...she will say something like it again.
Right you are. She has said it multiple times in the past and will say it again.
It always comes when I refuse to do something that she wants - i.e. W: "I would like you to move out to give me some space", Me: "I am not going to move out", W: "Why don't you ever think of anyone but yourself!"
Quote:
She is mind reading. In the past she wanted to know what you were thinking and you didn't let her in so she fills in the space (mind reading).
Right again. In the past I did a lot of things to try to help her, the boys, our family, etc, but mostly just thought about them and did them without really communicating to her what I was thinking or doing.
Honestly, I think I often did this because W and I did not agree what was the best thing to do or the best way handle a situation, and I thought mine was (obviously) the best way forward, so I just thought it out and did it. - Not Healthy, but that's the way it was.
Keeps coming back to communications.
Quote:
"actually wife I don't think about anybody but myself, I think about the kids and how this effects them, I think about you and how you might be hurting, I think about my clients at work and what the economy is doing to them, I think about............ "
You are absolutely right Coach. This is not a mindset change on my part, this is a skill I need to write out, practice, etc. So that I can draw on it and be able to speak calmly and clearly even when I am suddenly feeling defensive.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
So I am getting better, but it is really hard to separate listening and understanding, from my own personal feelings of defensiveness at being attacked.
I used to have to respond when I felt attacked. Then I learned here that if your W is angry then she is still attached and that her anger needs to come out for her to see me as listening and understanding her. So the first couple times all I could was just stand there and think (OK this is good!??!) and after a while it subsided. That's called your spew raincoat it makes you able to withstand the onslaught and stay dry inside. Eventually I detached enough to really listen and keep a dialouge going. I had plenty of screw ups but I knew that anger was good so I didn't care. Plus it was movement. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach & Greek, I understand the anger and the "raincoat" approach (I was just about to use the 't' word but bit my tongue . However, what are the tears for? I found the tears very disconcerting and emotionally draining. I first thought it was hurt and perhaps hidden anger but I was never sure. If thinker got a good handle on how to "handle" this it will surely help; I consulted a lot of folks (pastor, psychologist, etc.) and got all sorts of responses, but could not get a good "handle" on this. But my most current theory - after confirmation of "OM" and a lot of proven lies is that's it stems from deep seated guilt.
@FB2: After my experience at this with my W over the past 6 months, I have learned that tears and emotions without words means that my W is thinking something that is really bothering her, but which she feels would really hurt me if she said it. IE, she would really rather be with OM, she does not want to be M'd, etc etc.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/23/0905:52 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Didn't sleep well last night. Didn't want to get out of bed this am. Since I work from home I can sense the mood in the house, and she has been stomping around and alternating between talking on the phone and getting angry with the kids.
Before when she would get like this I'd be walking on eggshells, trying to intercede and keep the kids out of her way, etc. It would ruin my day too.
Now it's just more of a bemused curiosity - "Wonder what's up with her?", combined with a level of detached empathy - "Poor Mrs. Thinker is really under a lot of stress these days".
I do feel bad for the kids, however. Whatever it is, they don't deserve the tension and anger they are getting from her.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/23/0907:09 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
What might happen if you *kindly* suggest she take a break for a couple of hours? It will show that you care, it will be a stand against creating that kind of environment for the kids, and it will stop her in her tracks and make her think about her reactive behavior.
What might happen if you *kindly* suggest she take a break for a couple of hours? It will show that you care, it will be a stand against creating that kind of environment for the kids, and it will stop her in her tracks and make her think about her reactive behavior.
Lucky
That's a really strong idea.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
. However, what are the tears for? I found the tears very disconcerting and emotionally draining. I first thought it was hurt and perhaps hidden anger but I was never sure. If thinker got a good handle on how to "handle" this it will surely help; I consulted a lot of folks (pastor, psychologist, etc.) and got all sorts of responses, but could not get a good "handle" on this. But my most current theory - after confirmation of "OM" and a lot of proven lies is that's it stems from deep seated guilt.