Again - you are assuming you know when you dont have a clue at all what your W is thinking or observing.
And if you really think about it from your W's POV do you REALLY think she wants to bring up what a hard time your kids are having when she is the one that initiated the D? I doubt it. So, it is good as a parent you brought up your observations and a potential action plan but the way you presented it was not good.
I see too much assuming on your part and it isnt your job to that or make sure your W is in the know. She probably is in the know and choose not to discuss it with you. Just because you dont think she is aware it doesnt mean she isnt. It simply means its a conversation she chooses not to have with you at this time.
Ok. I guess you are right. I assumed and maybe should not have. But I assumed because I know the girls are hesitant to talk to her about it after how she has reacted in the past to them about it.
I won't make anymore assumptions. It didn't sound like she was aware, but maybe she was just not admitting it. You are probably correct. Like I said, it was probably a step back.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
If you're so concerned about your girls, then YOU need to get them some counseling. If your W won't handle that, then it's your responsibility.
Once again, STOP thinking, obsessing, assuming, what your W is thinking/doing/whatever. You're kidding yourself if you think that the convo you had w/W regarding the girls was just for her "information".
Alright. I have been beaten up enough. I get the point. Will do.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You know what, I take offense to the "beaten up enough" comment.
You rarely *do* get the point and the one point you cant seem to grasp is you are not a victim unless you allow yourself to be.
You made a post in the "we're separated" folder that you were moving your thread back to newcomers because you werent getting enough attention/responses as you had hoped. So, you post here and get plenty of respones (you just dont like them) and now you are getting "beat up".
Eventually nobody will post to you if you keep making comments like that. I hardly classify three caring people (with far more experience than you in the detachement arena) pointing out how you could have handled things better so you can learn for future conversations with your W getting "beaten up". Geesh.
You complain when nobody responds and you complain when they do. What exactly are you looking for here? Help us help you and lay it all out on the line so we are perfectly clear.
Ok. Point taken. I just meant the 2x4s. I understand what you all are saying.
I didn't mean to offend anyone. My apologies.
I do appreciate the input more than you know.
Thanks,
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I have to remark that in alot of other cases, the WAS is clueless about their impact on the kids.
In YOUR case, however, your W knows. It's just that all the years of putting up with your problems had taken its toll where she doesn't want to deal with you. Period.
Have you looked over that list again that she detailed? Have you done anything to address those things? How has C been?
Doesn't sound like much change going on.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Coming back out of guilt would be pointless because it would dissipate and she would just leave again. There is no point in her coming back out of guilt. It has to be because she wants to come back just like you say. I would actually be worried if she came back out of guilt and I would be wondering how long that would hold out. There has to be something other than guilt that makes her want to come back for me to feel more comfortable about the situation.
I am not trying to guilt her. I am trying to inform her. I could not depend on her if she came back out of guilt.
Kevin
Whatever...Who are you kidding? You told your wife what d7 said, to manipulate your wife in SOME WAY, and that is just a fact. The more you try to manipulate, ironically, the more you lose any control of your own life and the more you actually hand HER control. You are the one doing it. So Get control of your life/behavior and use that control to show some restraint/control.
True, guilt won't make her return but you tried both guilt and extortion before. When you "exposed" her A, you didn't merely reveal it to her family, (and they blamed you for the M problems already) you threatened to tell OM's family unless she stayed with you and broke it off...That wasn't successful was it? And you have pulled several "the girls are crying/sad/needy/miss you/I miss mommy tell her" stunts to guilt your w. You thought that those were olive branches or "just information" she needed but didn't already have? Come on...don't waste our time with foolishness. You have used manipulation and "unloving" methods before, and don't even seem aware of it.
I would not bother w/ fearing the past again so that you can writhe in self loathing about it b/c it is pointless and again, it casts you as some sort of helpless victim. It's done. Let it go -- but Don't make the same error again.
You also judge her parenting harshly but you are the one who thought his "own family was a burden and that [you] would be better off without having them around" so you could (presumably) drink some more..." (your words). That is also why she and her family feel you already had your chance. The more and longer you cast yourself as the abandoned victim, (saying you cannot "Understand why she won't give the m a chance"... the longer & harder your journey will be.)
Get control of your own behavior and mouth, and work on you. Leave the results to God and please please, stop making the exact same mistake again and again. Learn something. Change some behavior.
What do you need from us Kevin? I don't like giving 2 x 4's nearly as much as you seem to want to get them. I doubt CG/ PMA/ Puppy or Stuck do either (sorry if I missed anyone still posting here). We want to see some change, not just some wonderful but intermittent insights that are then followed by the same old behavior.
No more manipulating your d's or your wife or trying to control outcomes (you will hear this at AA meetings if you go and listen...) and no more obsessing about what you cannot control (you will also learn the serenity prayer at meetings and I hope you'll live by it b/c that is the road for you, to some peace within).
Did you call your own dad on Father's day? Or congratulate your brother on finally becoming a dad? Do you know why I am asking you these questions? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I believe that 25 suggested that you read the information on loving detachment at least twice a day.
Have you read it, REALLY read it at all? If you have, what concept are you NOT understanding.
Anytime you think about your W, you should pull out that info and RE-READ it. Also, anytime you're thinking about calling, texting, IM'ing, e-mailing her -- RE-READ it.
I agree w/25 and CG -- what are you looking for here? It doesn't seem like you appreciate advice, you rarely, if ever, follow it. Are you just looking for sympathy, empathy, attention?
Once again, we have all been left. We've all been where you are and have gotten past it in fine style. And yet, you refuse to truly ponder and act on the wisdom offered here.
Maybe that's why there are not that many posters left on your thread.
And let me give you the alternate POV and this is what really (in my eyes) did my H in with me.
When the legal portion of the D first started his attny sent out an initial settlement offer. I read it and threw it out and laughed. It was hysterical. In other words, if my H thought anything like that would fly he clearly was out of his mind.
Keep in mind at this point I was quite ill and my lupus was really hitting me hard. My H asked me finally if I got the offer and I said yes and I would respond through my attny as his offer was not acceptable to me. I was calm and polite even though I wanted to ask him if he was crazy.
My H, in his usual charming fashion started to say that since I was sick it made no sense for me to have more stress and if we got the offer done "his way" then I would not have stress. He tried to manipulate the situation to his advantage w/o really saying the real truth. The real truth being he thought he could dump me, cheat on me, take our car and money and leave me high and dry and somehow have no legal consequences. So, he used my illness to try and swing things his way. A 3 year old could have figured it out.
I am sad to say in that regard you remind me of my H. You quiet in your tactics of manipulation. If *we* can see it so can your W.
That is why I say its not your job to spell it out for her, assume or anything else you do.
For the life of me I cannot figure out why you think you are different than any other LBS and that your approach will somehow work. It wont. Ever.
I agree with Stacy - you always say "point taken" or you get it but NOTHING changes.
