The books are your "playbooks." You wouldn't want your opponent reading your playbook, would you?
And -- as sad as it is -- right now your wife is your opponent in some respects, in that she does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.
Right. I am going to the bookstore today while at work. I will read as much as I can here. I won't let her see them. Thanks for all your advice. Please keep checking in, I am still pretty weak and could use the encouragement to do the right things and not slip up.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Well, when you feel you're about to do the WRONG things, or even if you're questioning whether or not to say something, send her something, etc., just post it here first.
Remember, your own instincts are what got you to this place, so you know what they say about "The definition of stupidity ..."
OK, let me ask this, then: Am I trying, during this time, to try and get her interested in me again? Or, do I just go on barely talking to her? I am doing my own thing more now, going to the gym, etc. But when we are together, should I talk as if nothing is wrong, or totally disengage from her? I am confused by this notion. Maybe the books will spell it out for me.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
By doing your own thing you WILL be more interesting to her again.
That's the paradox.
But that can't be the reason you do it, or she will sense it. You have to REALLY BELIEVE that you are doing your GAL things for YOU, so that you convey (or maybe even tell her) "I would still love for our marriage to work out, but right now I need to work on some things for ME. Whether these are improvements I keep in this marriage or take with me to my next relationship, I've done a lot of thinking and realized that this is who I am, or at least who I need to be."
When you are with her, you should treat her like a roommate, or like you would the mailman. Friendly, civil . . . but not a BEST friend, and certainly not like a husband would treat his wife. Be a great listener.
Let her initiate the conversation. Unless there is some important information you need to discuss. Don't ignore her or have the 'screw her' thing going on inside of you. She will sense any hostile feelings or intent even if you never open your mouth.
Say good morning in the morning, say hello when you come back from work. Be polite - like Puppy said; Like you would treat a friend or a roomate. This is the mindset you need to achieve. It has to be a part of you otherwise she will sense it.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Your mindset has to change from, what do I do to improve this situation to I am a great guy a girl would be stupid not to want to be with me.
While in that mindset, be nice to this woman that is around you, upbeat, personable, but only when she engages you. You have way too much going on. (and if you do not, get some things going on)
If all else fails, fake it until you make it.
You sound week, searching for the magic pill to fix her, it is not out there. The strong person sounds like the guy that she is hanging around. There may not be anything going on between them, but in her mind there may be a desire to have something more than the work relationship, this EA within herself can also cause her to look down at you.
Time to be a man, make things happen, don't fight things that take effort. Just do them.
OK, you guys have been beating me over the head about the other guy she has been friends with since high school. I didn't want to believe that there could be anything going on with him. Well, I just looked at the cell phone bill, and for the past few months, there have been around 1600 text messages each month to his cell phone number. Every day of the week, some at around midnight or 1 am. You don't have to beat me anymore. Let's for now assume it is an EA, and not a PA. I still don't believe that is possible for her, although I didn't think this was. Anyway, what now? How do I proceed now? I will confront her on this once I have formulated what I am going to say, and what my reactions should be depending on her answers. I am not looking forward to it, but it must be done. Up until now, I was basing everything on her being mildly screwed up in the head, and that if she fixed that, we could be fixed. Now I don't know what to think except of course that she is done with me. BTW, this guy is also married. I would be interested to know what his wife thinks of these text messages. She continues to go to a therapist. Maybe she still has to work out some stuff. I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do until after I confront her. Thanks again for reading.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I don't know when everyone is going to stop thinking I just make this crap up.
What should you do? I would start by exposing the affair to the other man's wife. She has a right to know, and it may just stop the affair dead in its tracks. Why do burglars avoid homes with burglar alarms? It's not because they couldn't make off with plenty of your stuff before the cops got there. It's that they perceive your house as not being worth the hassle.
