I agree about keeping busy and changing the house to make it more "yours". When my H moved out I did a few simple things but it made our place feel more like mine. I purchased new bed linens and arranged the living furniture in a new way. He noticed and commented right away. But I did that for me, not him.

As far as showing compassion I feel that is a given. But I feel it is a given for ALL humans and not just the WAS "humans". I think this is where validation and compassion go hand in hand.

My H sent me an e-mail last week saying he really missed talking to me. I have compassion for that feeling because there was a time I missed talking to him so much that it made every inch of my body and heart ache. Do I miss talking to him now? A little but when I look at the big picture and his continued involvement with his GF its just not right for me. However, my disagreement with the choices he has made and continues to make doesnt mean he doesnt deserve compassion. I suppose you just have to decide what degree of compassion you want to offer.

My response to him saying "I really miss talking to you" was, for me, a mix of compassion and validation. I simply said "thanks for sharing... I can relate to all the adjustements a divorce brings". So yes, I can relate to the missing aspect and tried to validate that but I also made it clear his choices do not come consequence free for either of us.

Of course, each situation is different but for me and my situation this approach is best for ME. He did what he thought was best for him and he did so in a very cruel fashion. I wont respond with cruelty but I also wont respond with anything more than compassion (which everybody deserves) and validation.

I think so often the LBS forgets or doesnt realize the WAS *needs* to experience it all. They want to walk away and get a divorce that is fine but it also means walking away means walking away from it ALL. Now maybe it wont be forever but when one does walk away they must be prepared for it to always be that way and so often, IMO, they are not. They felt powerful making such a decision but rarely think past what that power will bring their way. If nothing else it usually means a very, very deep rift or a complete end of a friendship... something my WAS never anticipated.

I learned in C'ing that the "growing pains" of divorce usually arent totally felt by the WAS until the divorce (legally) is over and all the BS associated with divorce is done. Reality is tough for all parties involved. Its just that the LBS has been working and preparing for the realities for some time and the WAS hasnt given much of anything any deep thought. And some couples can meet up somewhere along all these twists and turns and some cant. Nobody can predict the future and really, who would want to? Part of this process is learning and as much pain as it brings, the learning and realizations of what is possible is sort of a fantastic rush.

You go from being busted to 8 zillion other things to thinking... hey, I am okay or on the road to okay. Its a terribly hard journey to make and one that is usually thrust upon us in a shocking fashion. Looking back though how often do any of us get to learn so much about ourselves? Probably not that often.