Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Thinker]

It's hard to sit thru' this without getting upset yourself so you are doing great in this regard. Esp. if she unfairly blames you for it all and then sheds the tears on top of that - is this the case? And its very difficult to get the WAW beyond this - its like a stuck record - there seems to be anger and guilt buried in there but I was never sure what to make of the emotions.

This is the case.

I am getting much better at staying quiet, focusing on her and trying to listen. Where I consistently fall down and have to pick myself up again (stop myself short, bite my tongue, etc) is when w makes accusations that I think are completely unfair, not based on reality (or don't agree with my reality), etc.

Example: I am feeling that I am completely / overly focused on her and have sacrificed myself to help her, and she exclaims "Why can't you every think about anybody but yourself!"

I want to listen and enable her to get it out, but find my mouth saying "But that's just not true!!" - which of course then results in her saying "See, you never listen to me!"

So I am getting better, but it is really hard to separate listening and understanding, from my own personal feelings of defensiveness at being attacked.

It's always been that way. I am a pretty good listener as long as she is talking about something that does not involve me - the kids, her work, her family, stresses between her and friends, etc. I fell down in the past when she complained about something that felt personal to me.