Jasken - the first time my husband left me, back in 2000, I reacted in a manner similar to yours. I called him constantly, I called his parents asking where he was, I begged him to come back, I caused scenes in front of the neighbors any time he would come over to our apartment. I was furious with him for leaving but at the same time I was desperate to win him back and I did all the wrong things. At the time, I was going through an emotional and physical crisis (my mom was extremely ill and had to have open heart surgery, and I had just had my gall bladder out and had complications from the surgery) so I really needed my H to be there for me. I guess I was too needy for him because one night right after my surgery he told me he couldn't take it anymore and walked out. Didn't come back for 3 months (basically waited until my health crisis and my mom's were both resolved) and even after he came back things were never really the same. He started working insane hours - he had always been a workaholic but it got REALLY bad at that point. And I always felt like I had to keep my emotions under wrap after that time if I wasn't going to drive him away again. And he used it against me, too, b/c he knew I didn't want him to leave again. He would do things like tell me if we didn't have sex as much as HE wanted he would leave again. That was really hard for me as my H is a sex addict so what he wanted was like multiple times every day. And he basically did whatever he wanted after that, b/c I was too afraid to stand up to him about things that upset me, like his constant use of pornography and the fact that our money was disappearing and I didn't know where it was going.
This time when he decided to go and not come back, I let him go. I try to get him to visit our son as often as possible, but I don't even bring up the topic of our marriage anymore - I learned very quickly that it just made him clam up and walk away and not show up again for another month or more. He's been gone five years now and I have basically let him know if he decides he wants to come back to let me know but not to count on me being here waiting for him forever. He says he doesn't ever plan on living with me again but he hasn't filed for D so who knows? I am used to my life as a single mom and honestly much as I hate to say it I think we've both changed so much in the past 5 years apart that if we did get back together we might very quickly discover we don't have anything left to save.
I think the best thing you can do is try to move on with your life as best you can. Get your meds back to the point where they are controlling your depression, and get out and show your H that you are building a new life without him. If your life starts looking attractive to him, it might be the incentive he needs to come back home and try again.
