I am moving forward in life. I am taking up golf again.
I might even buy the new Tiger Woods Golf game for my playstation 3.
I am not taking W's phone calls right away anymore. I love her. But if I want any chance at all of rescuing myself and this M I have to start following through with the advice on here. Otherwise I have no chance in this M.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me and W talked this morning because I asked about D7 after she had such a hard time with D11 leaving for church camp for the week. I have been concerned about D7. Here is how the conversation went...
K4D: How was D7 this morning?
W: She cried a lot for D11 last night. I spent a lot of time with her. We watched a movie, got her mcdonalds, had birthday cake and a sundaie(we're eating healthier all week) Laid her down next to me She passed out pretty quickly and slept 10 hours She was fine this morning No fits Gave her $2 for snack We're going to start excercising together. She's very upset about her weight She doesn't want to be what she calls "tubby"
K4D: Ah I think that she has bonded with D11 through this and looks at D11 as her only stability now
W: Maybe But I think also... From what I gathered last night That house still scares her because of the cemetary
K4D: No. Cause she was the same way with me
W: Oh really?
K4D: Yup
W: She wouldn't be in any room without me. Followed me around from room to room, bathroom, etc.
K4D: Yup
W: Ok
K4D: Plus she made a profound comment this weekend in a somber tone
W: What did she say? K4D: She asked why a divorce and then said it makes hers and D11's lives so much harder in a very somber tone
W: Yes, I understand that
K4D: It really tore me up inside. She has obviously been thinking about it as we know she turns things over in her head before asking
W: Very true
I wasn't going to tell her. But it didn't seem like she was aware of anything going on with D7.
I wanted to see if it was just her at my place while D11 was gone, but no, it was also at W's place. D7 I think really has bonded with D11 because of this.
This may have been a step back, but I felt like she needed to know since I didn't believe she did know.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Do you honestly think she needs you to tell her that Divorce is not good for the girls???
Come on Kev. Think!!!
Why do you deliberately screw up then come here and post about it? Are you craving that attention???
You know what you did is wrong and still did it.
I think you really need to think about your motives.
LET ME CLARIFY THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. SHE IS NOT GOING TO COME BACK OUT OF GUILT. I REPEAT YOU CAN NOT CONVINCE HER TO COME BACK BY USING GUILT OR ANY OTHER MANIPULATION!!! SHE HAS TO WANNNNNTTTTT!!!! TO COME BACK. SHE HAS TO RESPECT YOU AGAINNNNNNNNNN!!!!! GUILT WONT TO DO ITTTTTTT!!!!!
Seriously!?! You're "cruising for a bruising" as my Dad always said. If not from you're WAW then from 25 or CG or someone else. Which, like I just said, I think that is what you want. You want to be punished. You need help Kev. Have you got it yet?!?!!!!
I didn't say anything about her coming back. I'm just concerned about D7. She is obviously having a difficult time with this and could probably stand to be put into counseling.
Would I like W to think about the impact that this is creating. Yes, because I don't know if she is and I figured she didn't know what was going on and it looks like she didn't.
But no, I don't want her coming back out of guilt and I do not expect this to bring her back. I want her to come back because she wants to come back.
But she needs to be aware of what is going on with the kids so that if nothing else, we can help them adjust in what evr method that is. Probably counseling.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Then you should say "I think we should get D7 some counseling," and not "Plus she made a profound comment this weekend in a somber tone," and stop pussyfooting around.
Coming back out of guilt would be pointless because it would dissipate and she would just leave again. There is no point in her coming back out of guilt. It has to be because she wants to come back just like you say. I would actually be worried if she came back out of guilt and I would be wondering how long that would hold out. There has to be something other than guilt that makes her want to come back for me to feel more comfortable about the situation.
I am not trying to guilt her. I am trying to inform her. I could not depend on her if she came back out of guilt.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I didn't say anything about her coming back. I'm just concerned about D7. She is obviously having a difficult time with this and could probably stand to be put into counseling.
By using the word divorce with your W you are only creating more issues of guilt and anger for your W. If you are concerned with D7 then you should have said just what you typed out "W, I am concerned for D7, she seems to be having a difficult time and I think its important she go back to C'ing". That would be far more direct and mentions nothing of the divorce.
Would I like W to think about the impact that this is creating. Yes, because I don't know if she is and I figured she didn't know what was going on and it looks like she didn't.
Again... you figured or assumed and in the end you ended up learning nothing. What it "looks like" to you might be vastly different than what it "looks like" to your W and trying to get your W on the same page will do no good. Your W may never think about the impact she is creating and you planting seeds will only lead her to resent you more.
But no, I don't want her coming back out of guilt and I do not expect this to bring her back. I want her to come back because she wants to come back.
At this point you should be detached enough to accept nothing will bring her back to the M.
But she needs to be aware of what is going on with the kids so that if nothing else, we can help them adjust in what evr method that is. Probably counseling.
You have no idea what she is aware of or what she is now aware of. You choose to tell her what goes on when the kids are w/you. Perhaps she chooses NOT to tell you what goes on when the kids are with her. If you feel your children need help then get them help. Be direct and simple w/your approach with your W.
Several of us have mentioned that if you are goign to have a conversation w/your W it might be best to post here first so we can help you present your ideas in the best fashion possible. Why didnt you do that?
You feel, see and process things from your POV and have not yet obtained the tools to "see the other side" of things. By sharing what you would like to discuss with your W before you actually do it, we may be able to point out things that wont sit well and cause a bigger divide. Right now your goal is to be a good co-parent and a better Kevin.
I know. FaithfulH had told me not to say anything and that she probably had been told by D7 already on Saturday. But today it didn't seem like she was aware at all and that D7 hadn't said anything. So I guess I just thought she should know. I don't like to see either of my kids hurting. D7 is such a sensative kid and is really having issues with being without her sister and being alone. I just think she is having a difficult time. She is going to have to go back to counseling.
I will post here from now on if I am going to start a conversation before I start it to make sure I address it right.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
