Also this morning he wanted me to call to have his cell phone line switched to his name (currently in my name under my work discount). This one was hard for me, but I did it... His argument is that he needs to be able to do things to the line without having me call and give my permission first... and at this point, what does it matter? Doing it, without argument, will show him that I don't feel like I need to have power over that part of his life any more.
DMK,
This is a huge warning flag and jumped out at me. Sounds like a load o' b.s. to me.
I figure, if at the very least I have faith in myself, and faith in H - there is nothing to fear. Within the past few months I've had struggles with faith, with whether or not to believe in a higher power, all of that. It's been a crappy couple of years.
Oddly enough, it was my never-been-religious H telling me that there MUST be something out there and that I shouldn't give up... but I was very much in my depressed little hole...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
This is a huge warning flag and jumped out at me. Sounds like a load o' b.s. to me.
Who pays for his cellphone?
Puppy
He pays for his own... It was in my name because I had the work discount. He switched carriers a few months ago because he became EXTREMELY frustrated with the one that we were using. Basically, he had a useless cell phone last year when he was at his national guard annual training, while everybody else in his unit could get reception. Ever since then he's hated AT&T. That was about a year ago...
AT&T is really not that great in our area, but I'm not a big fan of change, so I haven't done much research. A few months ago, his AT&T phone stopped working properly, and he tried to get it fixed, get a new phone, talk to customer service, etc. but nobody would do anything for him because the plan was in my name. He went to the verizon store and got a new phone, under my name, but he's been frustrated because he can't even get his username and password without me making the phone call.
The phone has been a source of contention between us over the past few months because as we really started having issues because of his schedule and his need to go to the gym almost every night, along with my hysterical sobbing fits about how lonely I was, I would comb the bills and look at how much time he was spending talking to his (guy) friend compared to talking to me, then throw accusations at him about it. Guy friend was going through recent breakup with his GF, also has a toddler girl, probably has NOT been the best influence in our situation.
Since he pays for it, I don't look at it anymore, and he doesn't even live with me now, there is no point to me being on the account. Letting go of the rope...
I know it is a red flag, but I honestly believe if there was someone else in the picture, he would have admitted it after three months of hysterical accusations (that really, really p*ssed him off).
If he had something "better" lined up, I don't think he'd even bother with counseling. He was 1000% against it two months ago when I first brought it up (before I was DB'ing and had lots of "wrong" behaviors).
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Slow... I might give up and stick to the serenity prayer...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I was talking to my dad (57) last night before I took DD home to play with H for a while.
My parents have been married for 31 years this August. They knew each other for about nine months or so before deciding to marry. I remember lots of conflict in my childhood - a lot about extended family (mom was raised by a single-mom who had a serious man-hating neurosis... would call my mom when dad was away on business trips and tell her that he was cheating on her; dad came from a devout Catholic family who was not overly accepting of my non-Catholic mom, who ended up converting to please them), spending habits (mom was very poor growing up, so she is very liberal with spending now, and dad is very tight with money), etc. But they made it...
My dad said, that if someone had asked him when he was in his 20's if this was the life that he wanted, he would have said no - he is not very generous and he didn't think he'd be able to stand the heartbreak (my younger brother died of cancer last year at 25, mom just went through surgery due to breast cancer).
But he wouldn't go back and change things now. And he stayed through the hard times, because when he said forever, he meant forever. But he did consider whether it would be worth it to divorce. And without a doubt, if they considered divorce an option, they would be divorced.
I always thought H and I meant forever when we said it too. I did, and that's why I am willing to work as hard as possible in whatever way I need to.
Unfortunately, H didn't have the same background. He had parents who were married, miserable, and his father couldn't even file for divorce because MIL threatened to shoot the process server if he didn't leave her property. She is a crazy woman.
He also said that he understands what it is to have a father die, and the letdown of not having that person there for you. He is willing to talk to me or H anytime we need - I know H is not even considering talking to him because he feels that he wouldn't be a "neutral" party...
Last edited by dmk127; 06/22/0907:49 PM.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
so, he admitted today that he was shocked by my purchase of the bedroom furniture.
He wanted to address it, in the interest of actually communicating openly with each other, especially as we are starting MC this week.
Maybe not so much shocked by the bedroom furniture, but that plus the laptop (I work for the company that makes the laptops so I get an awesome discount), and I sounded hesitant about lending him $400 the other day.
For some reason, this made me cry. Stupid hormones. I honestly couldn't help it. I reminded him that I absolutely bawled at a scene in the movie Happy Feet a few months ago... But since I was completely calm when he told me he didn't want to be married anymore, and now I'm crying when he's questioning my furniture purchase, he's suspect that I'm using the tears as a weapon. I tried to explain - no weapons - weapons aren't productive.
I think he just picked the wrong day - they cut 15% of my department today and most of us sat and waited to see if we were the ones who were going to be job hunting tomorrow.
I'm wondering if I should say anything further about the bedroom furniture, or just let it go for now. Maybe a quick email for when he gets to work tomorrow... I'll listen to any advice you guys have to give. Basically what I told him was that I wanted a space that was mine in this house that we picked out together, and I wasn't questioning his need for his own space or the money he was spending to have it. Between hormonal sobs. *sigh* Stupid hormones.
In the interest of clear and honest communication - which I fear may have been lost at some point last night with the stupid sobbing (which, trust me, if I could have not done that, I wouldn't have) - the bedroom set: I simply wanted to have some space in the house where it really feels good just to be, and something that I chose on my own. I picked the place where I fall asleep every night and wake up every morning. I honestly didn't consider your opinion in the spending of the $$ - I didn't think it would be an issue since I am not questioning the necessity and cost of you maintaining a separate residence while we try to work through the present issues. I'm sorry you felt taken aback, and that you felt I was hesitant to lend you the $400... You know that as long as we are married you can still count on me, and you are entitled to feel whatever you feel.
Trust me, I have no interest in using any kind of manipulation tactic at this point. Obviously it hadn't worked in the two months before you told me you didn't want to be married any more. I know that's a bit different than what you've become used to in regards to me, but I honestly am finding more every day that life is easier for me when I'm simply running my own and not trying to run yours. I'm a much happier person and mommy and hopefully working on being a better wife. We'll see.
P.S. The bedroom set was worth every penny.
Any input? Or just say nothing? Or talk about it tomorrow evening when he comes over? Save it for counseling?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
You could just compile of list of things you hope to "touch" on although please remember - an hour goes QUICK! Ours started with finding out what originally attracted us to each other & what we wanted to get out of MC & a basic synopsis of how we got to the point where we were in our marriage.
I'm thinking on this one a bit today, so that I'm ready for tomorrow...
H and I met when we were 19 and 20, and in addition to the physical attraction and physical stuff (that's how our relationship started), we had so much fun together. No matter how much or how little money we had, we didn't let it affect how much fun we had together. We went camping, took little weekend vacations, we had a great time together even when we were broke, or when I was in school full-time and working full-time... we always found time for each other, we always had a great deal in common, and we could always have a good time.
The turning point - H's return from basic training & the end of our pregnancy/birth of our baby. Here are my thoughts: -H came back, and there was a "honeymoon" period, but when he went back to work he was depressed about his sucky job. -My brother was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor during my last trimester, I started feeling intensely guilty about anything good in my life and tried to downplay it (I think this lasted up until a few weeks ago). -DD born, HORMONES HORMONES HORMONES! Trouble with breastfeeding, DD needed surgery at three weeks for an inguinal hernia, she had a diaper-area hemangioma that became so big and irritated that she would SCREAM every time she went to the bathroom. This lasted for the first four months or so of her life. -H started his current job while I was on maternity leave - it's a difficult schedule, and requires him to work overnights every other month. For a couple of months in 2008 he had to work the same schedule he is now (three 12 hour shifts on, one day off), but it was overnight and we never saw each other to argue, but I remember things being tense then too. -Stopped feeling like I could count on anybody but H to be there for me - felt like my family was too much changed by my brother's long illness and death, and relationship with mom suffered b/c of possessiveness over my daughter. Isolated myself from friends, only went out with friends once a month or so. -Responsibility at home - b/c of H's schedule, I made myself 100% responsible for things at home (didn't feel like I could ask him for help/got resistance from him when I did). This included putting the house up for sale, hiring contractors or fixing things myself, lots of painting, buying carpet, etc., finding a realtor, being the go-between for the realtor and H, moving most of our stuff from one house to the other, cleaning the carpets & basement. -Second pregnancy... -H's National Guard schedule - he ended up being gone for five weeks in 2008 when I was trying to get a lot of this stuff done. Also, he only gets two weekends off a month from his regular job, and ends up spending one of those weekends at his guard drills. There is a deployment happening next year, and the time and energy required by the guard is increasing (= H going to the gym several nights a week to stay fit for PT requirements). -Anxiety - over my brother's health, my health, H's health, DD's health, money, marriage, moving, mother, mother-in-law, economy, politics, will I have a job tomorrow? will H have a job tomorrow? Waiting for the next horrible thing to happen to me/us/someone else I love... anxiety over not knowing what it will be.
No vacations since 2006. Probably five or so date nights in the 19 months since we had DD. No fun, just anxiety & escalating attempts to control everything around me until we snapped...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
