Sorry that I've been scarce. Yesterday, I was connection using the dial-up at home. It took four times to make the posts that I did and was attempting to reply to LL & kitti when I was disconnected again ... so I gave up yesterday. This morning I had a lot of catch up work to do...
Thanks for all the encouragement and the hugs you all sent my way. I guess my own expectations sometime still get in my way. After being in piecing for over a year, I feel we should be much further along than we are.
I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't all that clear about "package". To be more specific, a big box arrived from Figis which contain some smaller boxes, which are gifts CAW purchase. (She does this every year.), but I didn't look at them. I snooped in her top dresser draw, which I know is a spot she used to stash stuff from me. It was there that I found a small box with the same markings as the others from Figis. In this box was the gold pocketwatch with OM's initials engraved on it. My reason for bring it up was to establish this is part of her current state of mind. She made the purchase just last week and it arrived this week. Tell me if you can that this is way of base, but my interpretation of this is that she is anticipating to strengthen the bond between her and OM in the near future. This just does not bode well for me.
Which is where my comment about "backbone" comes in. The only play I haven't made yet is to bring this to a head, but in order to do that I have to be willing to walk away from it all and I just can't bring myself to do this. Hence, I'm at an impasse. I don't see OM going away any time soon, yet I am not able to face walking away either, but it pains me a great deal to remain here with an A that continues.
I guess I have to figure out which of the two is the greater pain to bear? At this time I really don't know?
I guess my head is clear some today. As I posted, our 19th anniversary is Monday. I think I figured out what she would enjoy. I think I will mention going to the animal shelters in the area this weekend and bring home a new addition to the family.
Well gotta go ... there's a meeting I need to be present at ...
KAW, can you say 'self-fulfilling prophecy'? If you assume that your W is going to strengthen her bond with OM, you'll start acting in a way that may lead to exactly that.
Repeat with me: 'I love her but I cannot control her. I can only control myself'
Works for me as a morning shower litany...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Any possibility that she bought that for him...but in a kind of unbalanced, hoping to get his attention kind of way? Didn't OM want her out of his life some time ago?
Wasn't there some suspicion that part of this A is fantasy for her?
I'm not saying this is a great interpretation, KAW, but it IS possible, isn't it? It is probably no reassurance to you that she still pines for the guy...but what if that's what it is? Pining? Fantasy? Part of her emotional problems???
I mean she's left out her journal, she "hid" this where you KNOW she's put such things before...Am I seeing a pattern where there is none?
Hi KAW. Hope things are looking brighter today. There may be many explanations on the gift thing. And torturing yourself is not going to help your PMA at all.
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I can see the frustration of where you are at at this moment. That blasted roller coaster can be an awefully long ride though.
In regards to the present I tend to agree with everyone else in reagrds dont read too much into it. Like maybe another explanation is that it is a 'goodbye' present and that is causing some of the distance at the moment. But in the end if I was you I would be getting pretty upset by it myself so it is easy for me to say. Here is one of those stupid way out ideas of mine - get it and hide it somewhere else for a few days and then put it back - woud have the her wondering about her secret - maybe it would back fire completely with trust issues, etc (Im sure i deservadly need to be howled down for thinking this). I can really understand the frustration though.
I guess the big lesson is dont snoop, youll be unlikley to like what you find and we are all capable of reading the wrong thing into a given set of circumstances. I remember when my wife and I 'broke up' for five days in the beginning of last year, I for the fist time in my life, snooped in her journel and i wish to this day wish that I didnt.
Anyway for what it is worth I like the idea of the new addition, nothing melts the heart like a puppy.
I hope things pick up for you, boy you have stuck at this for a long time.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Hi KAW..it's so great to see the support that you so freely give to all of us..you know how I have dreaded hearing from my h..well if you have a chance check my thread out...but I can say in my case it has helped imensly...how long are we willing to not know what the other wants or feels...I know CAW seems to be unsure what she needs and wants from one day to the next......maybe it's time for you to ask.I know ..I know..it is not that easy...but because of the support and knowledge we have learned here..we know how we have to approach these things without accusing and pointing fingers.
Well, to sum it up its a good thing I've gotten use to no expectations!
We did spend most of the day Saturday looking to adopt a kitten and Sunday we brought home "Mikey" (CAW's pick) a six week old gold & white puffball.
On Monday (our Anniversary Day), I took off from work early to get home before her. I set up on the dining room table a vase of peach colored roses (she prefers that color over red) along with an eloquent wrapped gift and a card. One thing I learned from Emeril's cooking shows is presentation is everything and I greeted her with a big smile. She staggered saying she wasn't feelin' well, but commented on how pretty the flowers were and then said "Now I feel bad, because I didn't get you anything." I said, "That's OK, I just wanted to let you know how much ILY." She just stood there silent, so with a big smile I gave her an embracing hug and a kiss on the forehead. She said she needed to lie down. She developed a major headache so that was the end of my plans to take her out for some fine dining, so I ordered a pizza for D10 & me. CAW did make the comment that she felt really guilty for ruining my B-day and this day now too. I told her not to worry about it ... all I want is to spend the days with her. Altho disappointed in missing out of a enjoyable evening out, other than that I really feeling pretty good. I am learning to get my gratification from my efforts rather than looking for expectations of what I will receive from CAW.
Rest of the week she has remained pretty withdrawn. Last nite she was down rite pi$$y and as I tried to keep an upbeat one way conversion going , ... then the phone rings and its her best friend. CAW doesn't pick up and I give her a look. She says, "I don't want to talk to her." I ask if something happened at work today (they work together) and she said she did want to talk about anything to anybody (meaning me too). So lotsa space last nite. Hung out with D10 most of the evening playing with Mikey.
... but I've been thru this before. I hate to say it but I think I'm getting use to it. It no longer upsets me. I just focus on doing my own thing and making sure what I'm doing makes me feel good about myself and will wait and see if she comes back towards me yet again. We'll see what the weekend brings. To be honest, I don't know it I will continue with anymore updates for now. I'm tired of sounding like a party pooper here. I'd much rather visit all of you folk's threads ... just wish I had more time to do so.
So lotsa space last nite. Hung out with D10 most of the evening playing with Mikey.