Your long post at the beginning hits home with me so much. Well, in my case, H said he had done a lot of work and looked inside and knew where he went wrong (when he left I WAS THE ONLY ONE making mistakes, progress there ) and bla bla bla but after 8 months, I can tell you he has no idea what kind of work is involved to get passed this "phase" of our M (if we survive that is). He ignores basic principles I did too but I dont anymore about relationships. An example, I read and read and still read. He never read anything that could be of use to him/us. He ignores my LL, how can I feel loved when he continues to love me the way HE wants to be loved? Sure enough, I dont. But again, I remind myself he does what he knows, trying to hold on. I recognise his good intention.I DO the work again. Fair? I dont think so. Necessary? If I want this, then yes...
So, to asnwer your question according to MY experience I will tell you that sadly the LBS needs to continue with the work and make changes happen sometimes only with the silent agreement of the WAS. Why? Because they didnt go thru the same level of PAIN and that pain is what made us all look deep inside. This is why I told fb2, that I cant relate to Coach and Greek very much because they BOTH showed/show the same level of maturity and committement with ACTIONS AFTER the "break" in their marriage. Which I think is very rare. Very few WAS, come back ready to do what needs to be done, consciously trying to break old habbits and "make up" if I dare use that word.
"This"? Well, THIS is limited to the 2 same people creating it. Because "this" -the dead marriage- I agree with you is over and history. IMO, nothing can bring the old relationship back to life and in my case I wouldnt want that. It's like an earthquake shuttering a town. The town is rebuilt, but not as it was. The foundations are built stronger, experts make studies, learn from past mistakes and there are changes. Old-crappy buildings are not restored, they are completely taken down because the earthquake gave "an opportunity" to get rid off them, new ones are built WITH THE KNOWLEDGE that an earthquake MAY happen again but at least now "people" can do whatever it takes to avoid the "fatal consequences". (Hmm that was pretty scary to try and express it in English, hope it makes sense, LOL...)
But, now YOU get to evaluate if you want to move to another town or stay here because you like it. You didnt want the earthquake to happen, it happened, but you sure are responsible for the weak foundation your house was built on.
Responsibility. I no longer feel resposnible for the 100% of why my M went this way. To be honest, I feel that my responsibility is less than 50% and that IS dangerous, I know. But that is the way I feel. And I do own my mistakes, trust me, but he needs to own his. Without "ownership" of the mistakes, you wont "fix" anything. It will always be someone else's job to do it. aND IF I do try to fix his, then I know we would be heading for a fall, again. It will NOT work that way.
God this is so difficult to explain!!! Please forgive me for spelling, grammar, wrong choices of words and try to fill in the blanks to understand what I am trying to say.
I would make sure if I were you, (I was, still am in many ways) I want this woman in my life. Keen NOT Dbing because it is healthy for you and the kids (not to mention it seems to be working). I sincerely think the separation is not bad for you guys, again according to my experience, and ...soften up a little .
Just my 2 euro cents which is about 5 of your cents anyway... lol K
PS I went to the point to where I almost wasnt vulnerable anymore. And it took a lot of tears and much harder work to get me back to where I wanted to give it a try to save my M again (well, maybe I do, not sure anymore, what day is it? LOL!!) I once said that when I was trying to decide it felt VERY similar to the bomb era. Dont go there, yet!! Please, trust me on this...
) and bla bla bla but after 8 months, I can tell you he has no idea what kind of work is involved to get passed this "phase" of our M (if we survive that is). He ignores basic principles I did too but I dont anymore about relationships. An example, I read and read and still read. He never read anything that could be of use to him/us. He ignores my LL, how can I feel loved when he continues to love me the way HE wants to be loved? Sure enough, I dont. But again, I remind myself he does what he knows, trying to hold on. I recognise his good intention.I DO the work again. Fair? I dont think so. Necessary? If I want this, then yes...
. 
