Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[sandi2]

My W has told me that during what she has described as the "height" of the EA in all of March (where she was only sleeping 3-4 hrs. everyday and texting/calling the OM 20+ hrs. non stop) that she felt this way and how incredible it was. She has stated that she no longer feels this level of intensity for OM...

So this shows that the chemicals supplied to her brain is decreasing and based on the other things you said about her finding another person if this OM doesn't work out, backs up what I said about my own self when I was addicted to the OM drug. She truly is "high" from this addiction and that is why she could go on just a few hours of sleep and had that "wonderful" feeling. What she doesn't know is that it will not last. Also, if she and OM met to have a PA, that often times fails big time. One lady told about meeting her OM to have sex and he could not perform and that was the only time...and last time they met. She could never make her H believe they did not have sex. It only proves that the "fantasy" does not play out the way the WAS dreams about. What concerns me about your W is that she must realize that the "drug" of this EA is wearing off b/c she is already thinking of the possiblity of looking for somebody else to "make her happy" if he doesn't work out. She is depending on another human to bring her happiness into her life. That is not very mature at her age and she needs to know that happiness is her choice. She has to make herself happy and not think it is your job or some other man's.

I tell you exactly what she reminds me of. One of the main things that got my attention was when I read about a couple of E-Books about womens.infadelity and I bought them and read both of them that night. They aren't that long, but it took me most of the night. I couldn't tear myself away b/c it not only described the condition I was presently in at the time, but what I would become if I continued the downward spiral ahead of me. It really, really shook me up and that was when I made my first real attempts at breaking lose of the EA. I had made weak attempts before, but after reading those two little books, I got serious. It takes both books b/c it is a continuation. I think it would be worth it to you to check it out and it would describe how your W is feeling and what to expect of her much better than I can.

She has told OM and I that she would rather live ALONE that live with me as the EA has brought into sharp contrast for her feelings/impressions that I "look down on her" and "always have." He puts her on a pedestal (big time!) and I do not.

It is just more of her disillusioned state of mind. You are her "scape goat" about everything. That is why you do more damage than good to try to discuss her EA or the OM with her. You won't talk her out of this and it will take either a bad experience or another person or situation to get her eyes open. What she doesn't know, is this OM probably spends his life playing on women. There is no telling how many women he is stringing along at the same time. I was told that about my OM and I would not believe it. It seemed so sincere! Yeah, right! Now, I believe that that is how he past his evenings away was on line with other women when I wasn't available. There were little signs that I begin to see but did not want to admit. She will too. The problem is if she'll try to find another man.

I believe that she is DEFINATLEY encouraging this type of though process with him- so I'm starting to wonder who is using who- both of them I guess for their own selfish reasons.

Exactly! She could very well be facing a MLC also. That makes it even worse b/c it takes longer to come out of that than the WAW mode. I hope she isn't, but don't know. The two are so similiar in symptoms, it is hard to know. Usually, one can look at the age of the woman. As I said before, hormone changes can affect us women in a massive way. Usually, a woman in MLC starts playing out her life as if she is a teenager or in her 20's and single again. She dresses too young and sexy. She wears a lot of make-up to hide her age and tries to act so young it makes her appear very redictulas. She's trying to recapture her youth and relive being single again. At this time, she thinks she could be a lot happier living alone than with you b/c she would be free to live the "single's life" which she thinks would be fun. She has it painted to be a sort of glamours lifestyle. With three kids, I don't think it would be so glamorous after a short time! If she is in MLC, this is going to be worse and take much, much longer. I hope she isn't.

My wife still cooks and cleans the house... but it's for the benefit of the family.

The difference for me was my children were not small and dependent on me. My children were grown and it's just the two of us here. I also have Fibromyalgia which left me completely drained of energy after work each day, so that was my excuse to not do anything. We ate easy to fix meals or carry-out and I only washed clothes we had to have. The housework pretty much went by the way-side. The point is, I did not do like I had always done with my home and being a wife. I used the excuse of my illness as my smokescreen. I happen to have a very understanding H who did not make demands of me, and plush he trusted me when I was on the computer for hours. It was an accident that he discovered my activity on-line. I was so stupid to think he wouldn't find out. That shows you how fogged a person's mind is when they are like that. They do not "think" rationally.

If I didn't ask I don't think she would be so open to volunteering this information... so I'm to blame for having to hear about these details.

Unless you "want" to hear about her EA and the OM, I would suggest that you not ask any more questions, period. To me, it is disrespectful to you, her H, to discuss her feelings for OM. It also leads her into conversations of how badly you have failed her as a H. So, it does you no good and causes much pain and knocks your self-esteem on its bottom. I would suggest that if she brings up anything about OM or her feelings for the single life, etc., that you stop her in mid sentence and say, "You know what? I really don't want to hear you talk about that anymore. I perfer you keep those thoughts to yourself and not share them. I have all the information about the subject that I need, now". Or something in your own words, but that is the general idea.

As I said before, it is very important that she show you respect and especially in front of your children. Now that you do know what is going on and she's been upfront with you, and some men say they perfer that instead of the lying....which I understand, but I don't think she should continue to discuss the details of her feelings and go on & on about it. That's JMHO, but it doesn't seem right and certainly not respectful. (I know, neither is having an A, but I'm talking about "showing" respect for you.) If you could talk to her beforehand and tell her that you will not tollerate her speaking disrespectful any longer and that she is to not even hint at leaving you or the OM in front of the children (and always refer to them as "the" children and not "your" children.....b/c it will make her temper flare) then she would at least be warned and then when you stop her from finishing a sentence or whatever....she will know "why" you are doing it. If ANYTHING is ever said that is inappropriate, you need to stop it right then and there. If possible, dismiss the kids to the other room or take her to another room and remind her that she slipped up and not to talk that way in front of the children. Don't argue with her b/c she will start. Just walk away. Don't get into a R with her b/c she will start. This is the "trap" that you must beware of and do not fall into it. Everytime she begins to argue or start a R talk....stop her and tell her you are not going to get into it, and walk away. You may even have to leave the house if she is in a rage.

She was mostly this way in March and only then confided in her closest friends and family members.

This shows how quicly her drug is deplinishing. It is important to know if she is getting support from her friends and closest family members. If she feels they are on "her side", then it encourages her. You see, my H exposed me to my mother and it about killed her. I almost hated him for doing that but he was very angry at the time and knew I was on my way over to her house. I didn't know if it was the end of our M or exactly what I was doing when I went to her that night, I just knew I had to get away from him. So, he called her before I got there and told her to make me tell her the "whole truth" and not just my side of it. Fortunately, he did not go into the horrible details of my actions with that man, but he told her I was having an inappropriate R with OM. As a result, I had to confirm what he said and it has taken years off her life. I was the "good" daughter who she would have suspected something like this from ANYBODY before me. So, now you know how badly it shocked and disappointed her. But, do you know that in my trying to win her over to "my side" of things, I bad mouthed my H to the point that she was turning against him. She never accepted the idea of that OM by any means, but it hurt her R with my H. She's never mistreated him but she doesn't think as much of him due to my negative talk. So, your W is doing the same thing and turning people against you. The more she makes you out to be the bad guy in the MR, the more she thinks she is justified to leave you and go find happiness where ever it make take her. If she has D friends or those who have been involved in A's or are in unhappy M's, they are probably cheering her on. If her family and friends are not supporting what she's doing....she will drop them out of her life and not discuss what she's doing. So, you can watch what happens and know if they backed her up or not.

I am aware of this and have made a point to inject little doses of reality into her fantasy whenever the need arises. For example, she really believed that I would just sign away my rights to the kids so she could move back with them to her home state until I told her in no uncertain terms would I do this. This really pissed her off because it is yet another obstacle to making her fantasy a reality. And it ups the ante for the OM- this maggot is going to have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to be my W's shining knight. But he is living in fantasy land also.

Yes, this confirms what I said before. It is unreal to the LBH how crazy her mind can work. Maybe the OM is living in a fantasy also, but based on the information I've gained about the majority of some of these men, he knows exactly what he's doing and she's not the only one he's playing. These men would do and say most anything just for a one night's stand. As you said, he's pathetic.

Don't do things to intentionlly make her angry b/c she will do things out of spite toward you and I promise, it won't be good! But, you do need to show a lot of self-respect and have her to show you respect in front of the children. When in private, I would not allow her to disrespect me then either if I had to leave for a couple of hours and then come back......I would get the point across to her that I was not going to stand back and do nothing while she treated me like that. As I said, you can't control what she does when she away or hidden out, but you can handle things that happen in you front of you. Unless she had a bad upbringing, hopefully she knows down in her heart that W's and H's are to show respect toward each other. Although, her conscious is not working properly, so you may have to remind her from time to time that she is not behaving appropriately as a mother. She doesn't care if how she's acting as a W......which she's made clear. But, hopefully, she still cares how she acts as a mother. Just save that phrase for a "have to" case b/c she will hate you for it.

You see, nothing you say or do is going to cause her to like you very much. So the best thing for you is to turn her lose. You do that by dropping the rope and begin to live your life apart from her. Am I telling you to move out? NOT A ALL! Don't leave those children! But, drop the rope from her by cutting your emotional feelings as much as you possibly can. You back off and leave her alone to do whatever she would do anyway (accept for the showing respect) and make sure the children are not being mistreated by her and that you spend a lot of time with them. You need to be out away from her, physically, as much as you can (with the children or without them) and give her all the space she wants. But, hopefully, she will notice how you are looking really great b/c you are working out (right?) and wearing good-looking new clothes and wearing great cologne when you go out........and she wonders what is that all about. Then she is aware of how much time you are away from her and you always seem to have something else to do that doesn't include her! Hey, you are GAL!! You are not showing you care one twit about her or what she's doing in "her" life!! She notices that you are not available to her like you use to be. Oh.....hummmm......that makes you interesting to her and gets her attention. At least, we hope it does. A person never knows if the WAW will look back at her LBH or not when he drops the rope, but for sure, she won't if he doesn't. I think in most cases that dropping the rope is the only hope for the LBH. It only works......(are you listening closely here?)....it only works if you do it for your sake and not to win her back. I told you the positive things that "may" happen as a result of you dropping the rope, but it doesn't happen every time. However, even if it doesn't....you will be able to gain strength and self-esteem to the place you are much better off than you are now. Right now, you don't think that is possible, but many men have experienced that very thing. Some have found out that they became detached much more rapidly than they thought possible. It is called....survival. I think it is your only chance with your WAW.

You are getting a lot of advice over on the Newcomers thread. Puppy Dog is a vet here on the board and he's been through the ringer, so he knows the score. Some others are pretty new to the board, but are going through the same thing you are. Anyway, you have to do what you think is best for your stitch. It is your life. We will be here to try to encourage you.

Take care,
Sandi