Are you saying that the reason your XH left you is b/c your son is spoiled??? Surely you meant something else besides the fact that both of you are guilty of spoiling your son. People do not divorce b/c they spoil their children!
Sandi my xh didnt exactly leave because our son is spoiled, but being spoiled plays a part of why son acts out the way he does, and xh has said he is going to live the rest of his life in peace. I have thought about this many times and I do think this is one of the main reasons my xh left. I say this because of all the comments xh has made before and after divorce. I dont know if you read, please forgive me for repeating myself if you did, but xh said once. "I am leaving, you can go with me if you want to". We had been dealing with son with the same issues, no job, computer all the time and disrespecting me. Xh said he couldnt take it anymore but I could always talk to xh and settle him down a bit. This went on and on and I think "among" other stuff that happened, pushed my xh over the edge. I am not saying it is my sons fault. I am saying it is a mixture of things. I should not have said it was the main reason. I was wrong in saying that.
I hope you will begin this week. Expect him to resist you and put up a fight. Don't fight with him, just lay down the law.......that being he can no longer live with you and he has to get out.
Sandi, I do lay down the law to him, but I will be honest with you. I dont know if I can just put him out. I am sorry, I know I need to, but he has no where to go. I did send him to his dads once and he came back begging me to forgive him. It's funny how much he loves his dad and talks to him with respect...even beyond respect now. (Son is so afraid of losing his dad he says "I am sorry dad" every other sentence.), but yet he doesnt like staying with his dad unless its on a trip. My xh though told son right up front that he could not live with him. I think that its sad, compared to the relationship his dad and him had.
I don't think your son or your XH has ever respected you and you have lived with that treatment for so long, it feels normal to you, but it ISN'T normal. Please do not sit back and be treated like this in your home.
Son does talk to me like my xh "sometimes did". I dont want you to think xh or son "always" talked to me this way. Just sometimes. I honestly feel like I am bashing xh and son, and I dont want to do that. I dont want you or anyone else here to think they "always" were mean to me. They loved me and did do nice things for me. It was just when they were in a bad mood, or didnt get their way they could for sure have their little moments. Generally though my xh seemed to always raise his voice, so I think son picked up on that. Sandi I just dont want to give you the impression that they were like this all the time. The fact that they were hateful and disrespectful at all is wrong, but they were also good to me many times. I will have to say though that son and dad fought alot more than xh and I did. I always tried to take sons side and get xh to cave. THIS WAS NOT GOOD! and now I am paying for that. I just didnt like the way my xh yelled and cussed at son, and he did this most of the time during arguments.
Sandi I wanted to give you an example of how xh talks to son. When they were on the phone and son was complaining, son was also cryiing a little because he was soooo mad at me. XH yelled at son and told him he was tired of him acting like a baby and #$%%%% crying all the time. Am I the only one that thinks this is wrong? There is other ways in dealing with a child, even adult child other than cussing and yelling. This is what xh did when we fought also. Most of the time he yelled and cussed and threatened leaving.
BUT now that xh is out of the house he thinks he doesnt have to deal with it. Should he???
The fact that you even have to ask us is a sign that you are not as strong as you need to be, Renee.
Sandi as you can see alot of people on here disagree with the fact that I think xh should help, so that is why I asked SHOULD HE?
For an example, the way the was on the two-way radio with his dad while he was wrestling with you over the Internet modem. That is crazy. Can't you see that this is his way of playing the two parents against each other? He knows how to work that part!
Sandi how am I suppose to keep son from calling his dad (while he is still in the home)? I tried to talk to his dad because I felt like I had to defent myself. Yes I do see what he is doing.
Renee, get real. He is not going to help out around the house.
Sandi son had a job and he did give me most of his money. He quit after 3 or 4 months though. Also he does pick up the house. It's just this staying in his room on the computer and not trying to find another job and mostly his attitude toward me, like he is the MAN of the house.
You know what? The two of you sound like little kids squabbling over something and call daddy to tattle! What did you expect your XH to do? Really! The man can't stand you, Renee. Did you actually think he was going to chew the son out for showing you the same feelings as your XH has? He probably thought it was funny.
Sandi. I didnt want son to call his dad. What was I suppose to do after he did call him? Yes I probably did actually think he was going to say something to son. I left my xh alone and hadnt even seen him in 3 months, I thought maybe the anger would have lessoned by now. I was wrong. I honestly thought maybe when he stuck his head out the window he was just being nosey maybe. I thought maybe this time, xh will say something to son like he did when he was home. Yes he probably did laugh at me. He did say "he would never understand us over here"...what the heck is that suppose to mean? (sorry if I already asked this). I can't believe you even said that! How can he do it??? Very easily! He does not want you any more. He does not respect you and futhermore, he will never respect you as long as you act like this. He looks at this as "your problems"....not his. Why on earth would you even expect your XH, who doesn't even like you any longer, to say anything to the son about respecting you? It would be a joke! The son knows his own father doesn't respect you and that you took that disrespect all the time he was growing up. He LEARNED how to do it from........guess who!
I think you misunderstood the question. I didnt mean how can my xh stay away from me. I meant, how can I give my xh space when son keeps complaining to him about me. Like you said xh is never going to respect me if this keeps happening. Son is always going to go running to dad whether he lives here or not. Son and I will disagree again and he will probably call his dad again. KWIM? I know xh doesnt like me Sandi. Everyone here, says to leave xh alone. I am trying to do that, but son talks to him often and I am sure he gets mad and wants xh to take his side even when I dont know it, and the arguing just validates one of the reasons why xh left. XH will never get the chance to deal with whatever he is dealing with and he will never want to come home if this keeps happening, why would he?
This is pathetic. Do you really think that your son would stop showing disrespect just b/c his dad said to? What do you call "backing you up"?
Yes Sandi I think it would help. He doesnt seem to do this as much when his dad puts his foot down. I call backing me up...when son calls to complain to his dad, I expect his dad to tell him, "son you leave with your mom so you go by her rules, grow up and stop calling me to complain", this would be good for starters. Unrealistic??? Anything would be better than telling him to get away from me and agreeing with son when xh isnt even here to hear or see whats going on.
Sandi I was wrong to think things may have gotten a little better between xh and I since we have not seen or hardly spoken to each other. How long does this anger last?
You are in worse shape than I realized
Hmmmm...this says alot to me. I have thought this all along. Sandi, thank you for all your advice.
