AAK, I have done more praying in the last 2 months than the last 20 years. I pray daily for peace, confidence, strnegth, discernment and patience (lots and lots of patience).
"fb2- Did you go?" Yes I did. I also attended Marriage Encounter some years prior which is a milder dose of the same thing.
"I don't know what makes fb2 so bitter, but his dismissive attitude to Retrouvaille is insulting."
Sara, Its very valuable if BOTH have SOME sincere desire to stay M. And I could see it made a BIG difference for 80% of the people who were in this category. The issue I had was that the fellow (volunteer) who screened W did a bad job of the screening - instead he tried to get her to show up "for the sake of the kids" or something like that in the hope that she would then "open" up. And of course W lied to him about not having an OM and/or being "open minded"; and W shows up and from the get go asserts she is there to make the D go more smoothly and did not really participate in any of the dialoging practice - perhaps the volunteer even suggested this notion to her to get her to go who knows; she left early and had absolutely no intention of attending any of the followups. So for me it was pure torture - I was attending the thing all on my own after driving for 2 hours to get there - it needs 2 people to dialog, right? Also, they were kind of forcing me to sit thru' it well after WAW had checked out of the hotel and gone. And it was held in a very crowded, noisy hotel that made things worse! That's why my recommendation is to not cajole or manipulate the WA into going even if may work in 1% of the cases; its better to wait till the WA is more amenable to it. Also there is a faith/religious component to it - WAW had no respect for this part of it which made it every more of a mockery for me.
"I sit there and try to listen attentively while she (still not talking openly) cries emotionally."
It's hard to sit thru' this without getting upset yourself so you are doing great in this regard. Esp. if she unfairly blames you for it all and then sheds the tears on top of that - is this the case? And its very difficult to get the WAW beyond this - its like a stuck record - there seems to be anger and guilt buried in there but I was never sure what to make of the emotions. Hopefully Greek and Coach can help you here if they experienced this same dynamic. But ultimately I hope she has good intent deep down - of really wanting the M.
It's hard to sit thru' this without getting upset yourself so you are doing great in this regard. Esp. if she unfairly blames you for it all and then sheds the tears on top of that - is this the case? And its very difficult to get the WAW beyond this - its like a stuck record - there seems to be anger and guilt buried in there but I was never sure what to make of the emotions.
This is the case.
I am getting much better at staying quiet, focusing on her and trying to listen. Where I consistently fall down and have to pick myself up again (stop myself short, bite my tongue, etc) is when w makes accusations that I think are completely unfair, not based on reality (or don't agree with my reality), etc.
Example: I am feeling that I am completely / overly focused on her and have sacrificed myself to help her, and she exclaims "Why can't you every think about anybody but yourself!"
I want to listen and enable her to get it out, but find my mouth saying "But that's just not true!!" - which of course then results in her saying "See, you never listen to me!"
So I am getting better, but it is really hard to separate listening and understanding, from my own personal feelings of defensiveness at being attacked.
It's always been that way. I am a pretty good listener as long as she is talking about something that does not involve me - the kids, her work, her family, stresses between her and friends, etc. I fell down in the past when she complained about something that felt personal to me.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/23/0904:27 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
