Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

You see, Your W sees this OM as her future H and so she is eager to get everything into place.....including the children. She needs to know that OM and her children accept each other. That is part of the fantasy....to become one big happy family. And you? Oh, she thinks to "scr*w you" b/c you aren't important to her now. You are interferring with her plans.

I am aware of this and have made a point to inject little doses of reality into her fantasy whenever the need arises. For example, she really believed that I would just sign away my rights to the kids so she could move back with them to her home state until I told her in no uncertain terms would I do this. This really pissed her off because it is yet another obstacle to making her fantasy a reality. And it ups the ante for the OM- this maggot is going to have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to be my W's shining knight. But he is living in fantasy land also.

Big John....I want you to get this point if you get nothing else, okay? She can't stand you! There, I said it, and I'm sorry but that is how she really feels toward you while she is in this WAW mode. You are the least person on earth that she would probably try to save if drowning. Well, that may be extreme, but I want you to get the picture here. Stop thinking of her in terms of her being the person you M b/c she isn't there in her mind right now. She sees herself as already divorced from you. She may never be "normal"
again! Like I said, there are no promises. Do the best you can for you and the kids and if you believe in God, I sugest you pray real hard. I'm not trying to be "cute" or funny. I am dead serious.

I am aware of her not being able to stand me right now. Everything is my fault, she is not accountable for anything. And yes, I do believe in God and I pray to him regularly.

I had to "want" to be my old self again and have my life back. If your W doesn't "see" what is happening and have that desire to get herself well from this state of mind she's in.....then you or nobody else can help her.

I know she doesn't want the "old" marriage and neither do I. She has expressed fear of getting into a rut if she comes back to me and any of my positive changes don't stick. That doesn't sound like someone who won't change personalities. Yet in a new relationship, I think she will want to change into a different person to some degree.

She will not listen to you. If there is anybody that she admires and respects very highly.....she may at least listen to what they have to say, but I'm afraid that she is so far gone in her fantasy of this OM and what she thinks he is and what their future will be......it really concerns me that she is over the top......she has lost touch with reality. There is something that I don't know how to explain where she is concerned. I'm wondering if there is something more here than an EA with OM. I'm wondering if she needs professional help in why this all happened.

She won't listen to anyone including her father who unfortunately is a lot like me. And she won't talk to our pastor about things either.

A big concern is to what extent this OM is pursuing her. Is he just getting his kicks out of this and thinks it will get him into her panties or is he seriously leading her to believe he will M her. My OM knew all the right words to lead me on and even told me he would come get me and take care of me.......but he never said anything about possibly getting M. He would refer to a future together, etc., but he was careful as to what words he use. He was very smart! Does she tell what the OM says to her? Or is it all how she feels, etc.?

Don't know those specifics, at the least he has implied that he wants to marry her, be a new daddy to my kids etc. Again, he appears to be living in the same fantasy world.

I think it may have been your other thread in Newcomers where I was one of the board's vets say that there is nothing a man can do about his WAW.....he just has to be as confident as he can be b/c that is what is most attractive. I think there is a lot of truth in that. In fact, guess what attracted me to my OM? Yep!

I understand the concept however I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't with her right now. She has had a hard time differentiating real confidence with cockiness/arrogance. She is really looking hard for some humility- something I can't do right now because I have to be strong.

Good night Sandi, thanks again for all of your feedback.