OK, yes I care if the piers and boats/waverunners are in. We live on water, and water sports are/were our life. However, I've only mentioned this one other time this Spring, and it was in reference to the pier not looking like it made it through the flood of last summer. I have never asked him to put them in, or said it to someone else in front of him.
And, he has limited time @ home because he has CHOSEN this work lifestyle. He can take time off anytime he wants, to a certain extent. He didn't travel (much) for 12 years. This is the past 16 months (FOG MONTHS). I don't sympathize w/his lack of time. He can take time if he needs/wants to. (I have NEVER said that to him. It may sound harsh, but is true.)
I am truly not a nag. I would tell you. I have flaws, but nagging isn't one of them. I truly do not ask for much from him (around the house or with the kids). I let him sleep in, keeping the house quiet when he's home, purposely make dinner(s)/meal(s) at home as much as possible when he is home (he eats out all week/junk), try to handle as much handyman stuff as I can on my own (or hire it out), and work full time, to help ease the pressure of our lifestyle.
He is just plain not interested in me, our marriage, or anything that reminds him of it. He truly is only interested in the kids. He tolerates me, has fun w/me, laughs, shows some caring, but has given up on us, and is content to either live like a f'kn MONK (but w/a family), or keep his family and do a damn exprt job of covering an affair. I just don't see it, though. I've checked almost anything I could, and he's come clean.
Rambling
Thank you for sticking w/me.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Coach: I like your suggestion regarding communication of what makes me feel rejected and what makes me happy. In fact, I have an idea of how to present it. We have had a few instances where we have been "out" and something triggers tears in me. H does not deal well w/tears, and then makes things worse with his approach to trying to figure out what caused the tears. (Word choices). So, this could be a good exercise in understanding how the tears started, and what helped/hurt once they did.
I think I would write this down, and ask to read something to him. (I think I'd less inclined to cry if I read it.).
Question... This is dangerously close to R talk, and H is NOT interested in any R discussions. Maybe just send in an email? There's more of a chance of misunderstanding if I sent in an email, though.
Thank you for your input. I was looking for an acceptable bridge between his requirements and my own needs. This may be it.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
OK, yes I care if the piers and boats/waverunners are in. We live on water, and water sports are/were our life. However, I've only mentioned this one other time this Spring, and it was in reference to the pier not looking like it made it through the flood of last summer. I have never asked him to put them in, or said it to someone else in front of him.
so...maybe this is part of the deep down root of the problem...doesn't matter how many times you've asked him...when they are in the fog...he takes all that as you nagging..the way you said what you said just created drama
you don't need drama...we create our own misery..
Quote:
And, he has limited time @ home because he has CHOSEN this work lifestyle. He can take time off anytime he wants, to a certain extent. He didn't travel (much) for 12 years. This is the past 16 months (FOG MONTHS). I don't sympathize w/his lack of time. He can take time if he needs/wants to. (I have NEVER said that to him. It may sound harsh, but is true.)
yes..I'm afraid men are wired this way from caveman days...we are providers, do'ers..it's what we do..
Quote:
I am truly not a nag. I would tell you. I have flaws, but nagging isn't one of them. I truly do not ask for much from him (around the house or with the kids). I let him sleep in, keeping the house quiet when he's home, purposely make dinner(s)/meal(s) at home as much as possible when he is home (he eats out all week/junk), try to handle as much handyman stuff as I can on my own (or hire it out), and work full time, to help ease the pressure of our lifestyle.
He is just plain not interested in me, our marriage, or anything that reminds him of it. He truly is only interested in the kids. He tolerates me, has fun w/me, laughs, shows some caring, but has given up on us, and is content to either live like a f'kn MONK (but w/a family), or keep his family and do a damn exprt job of covering an affair. I just don't see it, though. I've checked almost anything I could, and he's come clean.
ohh I get all that..I see how he has helped the marriage fail....
so what part of this failure do you own?? it's not all him you know....it may be 60% him 40% you or it may be 50/50..or could possibly be 70/30...
so claim your part...work on your part...
stay away from the drama...
thanks for the father's day wishes..ya need to get over to FB..you can put faces with the names..
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 06/23/0911:31 AM.
My part in this is fairly clear to me. (BTW, this is good to revisit the "list" as I know it)
#1 - Forcing a lifestyle on H that he's not comfortable in. (Big house, fancy cars, country club membership, etc...) #2 - Putting our intimacy on the back burner. (Kids first, "duties" around the house next, work - work from home so easy to do a LOT, then, maybe H) #3 - Not sure how to explain this... H would say, "Once you get something in your head that you want something, I might as well just do it/get it, because I will hear about it until I do anyhow." (GEE MB, MAYBE THIS IS WHAT THE PIER IS ABOUT EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T NAG THIS TIME! WHACK!)
I think that's pretty much it.
So, what am I doing....? To work on my part....?
-- Since THE BOMB, I've encouraged H to drop our country club membership. -- I've consciously cut down on the shopping. -- I've kept my car. (In the past I've had new cars every few years.) -- I'm encouraging the sale of our home. (We were approached by someone interested in our home. It's not on the market. We should know within a few weeks if it is going to happen.) -- I'm encouraging a "lessor" home, if ours sells. -- I really do try not to "push." (THERE'S what I was looking for above. He says, I push and push until I get my way. Fair statement of my past.) -- I'm attentive to him when he's home, hopefully, without crowding him. -- I've also let him know that I understand the issue with our intimacy, own my part in the problem, and appreciate what we had (during good times) now. I think I've shown him I've done the self reflection, homework, and continue to desire him.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
PS - Also, we used to go on fairly expensive vacations (my idea). We haven't been on vacation since THE BOMB. In an attempt to show him we don't "need" to do things that way anymore, I did book the whitewater raft trip (in Northern WI) for all of us, as a present for H's birthday. It's pretty low key (financially), and I kept it to a four day event. Whitewater rafting, rock climbing, high ropes course, etc... Our family is fairly high adventure. It should be fun, and... we're staying in a cabin! EEEEK!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
-- Since THE BOMB, I've encouraged H to drop our country club membership. -- I've consciously cut down on the shopping. -- I've kept my car. (In the past I've had new cars every few years.) -- I'm encouraging the sale of our home. (We were approached by someone interested in our home. It's not on the market. We should know within a few weeks if it is going to happen.) -- I'm encouraging a "lessor" home, if ours sells. -- I really do try not to "push." (THERE'S what I was looking for above. He says, I push and push until I get my way. Fair statement of my past.) -- I'm attentive to him when he's home, hopefully, without crowding him. -- I've also let him know that I understand the issue with our intimacy, own my part in the problem, and appreciate what we had (during good times) now. I think I've shown him I've done the self reflection, homework, and continue to desire him.
MB,
Just to let you know an outsider's perspective: I read a lot of "I'm encouraging him to..." in the above list. In light of your self admitted "pushy" behavior of the past, this still sounds "pushy" to me, you're just pushing the other way. Just let it go! Don't try to fix things by now telling him to drop the country club membership he didn't want, selling the bigger house he didn't want... Take it easy and stay put. If he comes up with the idea to sell the house or whatever, then tell him you totally agree if you want him to move in that direction.
I fully agree with the post above about the MLC. Those are the classic symptoms! And I can know because that's how I felt for a while a couple of years ago (my mini-MLC). I realized a while ago that dealing with someone in MLC is a lot like dealing with a cat: if you propose an idea, they won't want that. THEY have to think of it.... All you can do is be enthusiastic about good behavior.
Your H WILL come out of it eventually, I came out of it and started enjoying my hobbies again. Read over your list every once in a while and take ownership of those things. You can do it!
-- Since THE BOMB, I've encouraged H to drop our country club membership. -- I've consciously cut down on the shopping. -- I've kept my car. (In the past I've had new cars every few years.) -- I'm encouraging the sale of our home. (We were approached by someone interested in our home. It's not on the market. We should know within a few weeks if it is going to happen.) -- I'm encouraging a "lessor" home, if ours sells. -- I really do try not to "push." (THERE'S what I was looking for above. He says, I push and push until I get my way. Fair statement of my past.) -- I'm attentive to him when he's home, hopefully, without crowding him. -- I've also let him know that I understand the issue with our intimacy, own my part in the problem, and appreciate what we had (during good times) now. I think I've shown him I've done the self reflection, homework, and continue to desire him.
MB,
Just to let you know an outsider's perspective: I read a lot of "I'm encouraging him to..." in the above list. In light of your self admitted "pushy" behavior of the past, this still sounds "pushy" to me, you're just pushing the other way. Just let it go! Don't try to fix things by now telling him to drop the country club membership he didn't want, selling the bigger house he didn't want... Take it easy and stay put. If he comes up with the idea to sell the house or whatever, then tell him you totally agree if you want him to move in that direction.
I fully agree with the post above about the MLC. Those are the classic symptoms! And I can know because that's how I felt for a while a couple of years ago (my mini-MLC). I realized a while ago that dealing with someone in MLC is a lot like dealing with a cat: if you propose an idea, they won't want that. THEY have to think of it.... All you can do is be enthusiastic about good behavior.
Your H WILL come out of it eventually, I came out of it and started enjoying my hobbies again. Read over your list every once in a while and take ownership of those things. You can do it!
I agree with SAM..i think in a round about way you still push...you almost used guilt about the pier...I think in a round about way you still want to control things and just want it to appear to him that he is in control...
why not just sit back and let him drive the train for a while?...you can hold on to the ass end of it..
