Kaw the snooping is such a double wedged thing. I know for experience. It can be great for reassurance, when we just want to feel better and know that things are improving, but we can also get really depressing surprises.
It's funny because for over 20 years I never even thought about snooping. That word didn't exist in my vocabulary. I never checked anythign about rui, he could have millions of phone numbers and women's names in his wallet, I would never check and if I found them by accident it wouldn't worry me one bit.
I actually used to think that there had to be something wrong with that people that as a rule go around their spouses pockets and wallets and all they can get their hands on.
After his first affair - that I wouldn't have gotten confirmation had I not snooped. My aversion for snooping fadded a bit.
The funny thing is that because he knew I never snooped he actually had so many compromising things with him that wasn't even funny. He even used to leave his pager on my my nightable because I have more space - his is filled up with books LOL I could check every single number that paged him, the time, and even listen to messages.
Boy did I snoop at that time. After the affair was over, I still snooped every once in a while, looking for reassurance. It was good to know that nothing else was happening at the same time that I was the changes in our relationship to the better. After a while I stopped. It really isn't my nature to snoop.
Well, to bad I had to resort to that a second time.
Had I not snooped - once more - I wouldn't know anything about the second affair , since this time around there were no changes whatsoever at home. Had I not snopped, I wouldnt have found out that although he had told me it was over, it was still going on.. an on... But ever since it really ended I haven't checked anything again. I really prefer to trust, however sometimes the doubts kind of make us move away from our goal.
But snooping can be negative as it can get us depressed and insecure when we find something that is not pleasant. and I think you are feeling like that right now.
The package should not be in your mind right now, your goals are what should be there. The package might as well be a xmas gift, but that doesn't matter for your situation ... what you're doing to accomplish what you want is what's important right now.
And I don't think you need any more back bone.. look at what you're doing to make your relationship with Caw work!

Do not - I repeat - do not feel hesitant to write, that's what we're all here for, no matter how many things are happening here at the same time. Each person and situation is unique and we do try to address all we can.

SOrry I know that lately I haven't made much sense.. but hey I'll get better soon :)
nigthshade

"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "