You moved 10 hours away. I'd say you are indeed doing a pretty good job of dropping the rope. I think that many of us are living vicariously through you.
I noticed you read Eat, Pray, Love. Remember this on page 264?
Quote:
"Wayan ticked off on her fingers the six elements of her Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny."
I can relate to your anger and hurt and wanting to know "why".
I admire your strength. I bet your H will shed tears. In fact, the presence of an OW in his life just might make your absence all the more real for him.
He needs time and so do you. Stay strong.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I noticed you read Eat, Pray, Love. Remember this on page 264?
Quote:
"Wayan ticked off on her fingers the six elements of her Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny."
Aaah, Silver Fox this is good. I had not rememvered this. Thank you. Guess I should go out and buy some Vitamin E. The vitamin Kettle One is not doing it for me (joking).
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Been pretty overwhelmed with new job. Looks like it is going to continue that way for the next few weeks, which is probably a good thing, keeps me busy.
Evenings have been lonely, but fortunately I do have one good friend in NE city, we've known each other since high school. She and her sister came over earlier this week to keep me company while I unpacked my kitchen. One bottle of Prosecco and a good itunes playlist later, my little apartment was full of laughter and I started to feel more at home than I have felt in months.
Finding it a bit easier to feel detached from H. and sitch. Starting to really believe that a step back is important for me at this point. Last conversation with H. allowed me to feel better about letting go for now. Received an email related to this last conversation that I am not sure how to interpret; H. writes,
Thank you for the very thoughtful words. I felt that our conversation on the phone was a nice/peaceful talk. I feel like we understand each other a little bit more now. Also, I think we are getting to know ourselves more too. Hope your new environment in (NE city) is a healthy and enjoyable one.
In some ways I think it's encouraging to know that he felt our conversation was positive. I feel like his POV related to me, us, anything to do with our past has been so hostile and negative, so am trying to awknowlege these small moments of thawing out between us. There have been times when I feel we do understand eachother a bit, and then I see him make an effort to distance himself.
In a way I think his words do come across as very distant, with almost a quality of finality. Like, thanks for the closure, have a nice life. I don't know. I am so oversensitive and overanalytical about everything related to him now. I've been realizing that part of our disconnect when married was that I always felt he held me at arms length, our intimacy was always so fragile...he would get overwhelmed I think, and have to diffuse it. With jokes, or laughter or teasing. I knew it was his own insecurity with emotion, but I think it undermined how I felt about myself. Like I wasn't good enough for him to be fully open with.
That's why I put a lot of energy into trying to make things nice around us, to doing things to show him I cared, especially this past year when we both were coping differently with the loss of the baby. I told him this and we talked about it a little. I told him that it was hugely hurtful to me that the exact thing that I wanted from him, to regain our closeness, that he basically told me he couldn't deal with or do while he was starting a new job and his family was in chaos and our MC told him he needed to start IC, was the very thing he ended up pursuing in an EA....and then he turned around and said he did that because we had lost our connection to eachother.
Today, I stuggle to understand if it was that he didn't have the emotional maturity to have that closeness with me at the time because of the surrounding circumstances and so he shut down and the sought closeness in an easy, comfortable EA relationship, or that maybe the EA person is more up his alley than I ever was, and he is just now finding that out. Maybe he has found the love of his life. Who knows? Still, I know that most of my happiest moments involve him, were when we both let our gaurd down and felt that connection together. Is it still there, would we feel it again with the changes that we both have felt and are going through? After all the pain? I don't know. But if there is a chance for that, I don't want to close the door on that completely.
And I recognize that at this point, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he means or feels or says, or even does...my course at this point is the same, regardless.
Related to this, a bit of a conundrum. So, while in training session for new job, got to talking with guy also starting at new company, training, will be working in new division. Bit of chemistry there, both of us hung around at end of training, long story short, I get asked out. Yikes! Don't know how to do this right now!
I feel no reason to not date given state of things between H and I. We even discussed this at one point before I moved. He said he wanted D. because he "didn't see things working between us right now, more than likely they won't ever again".
I said fine, I was moving to NE city and lets just get some space from eachother. I told him, If you ever did feel that you wanted to get to know eachother again and rebuild our marriage, I'd find it pretty hypocrical for you to have any problem with the fact that I will be dating other people (obviously he is). Is that going to be a problem for you. He was quiet and then said, No, as long as you were honest with me about it. Honesty, interesting he should bring that concept up. To which I replied, I expect that we will be honest with each other, from here on out, on all subjects. And that was the end of that.
Now however, I find myself in an awkward place. I am ok with some fun, lets grab a drink or dinner type of thing. But, how to explain my current "status". I don't think the facebook category of "it's complicated" is adequate or fair to the other person involved. Don't want to go into the scenario, don't think its necessary, but still, don't want to be dishonest.
Keep in mind, I have not done this for 10 years. I had to put in a call to my little sister for some dating 101....what a mess.
Any advice? It may very well end up being a non issue as guy (let's call him tall guy) may not call and I will escape the whole embarrassing issue. Since I immediately began to panic over my status and how to explain, wasn't really helpful in setting up a specific date-still hadn't gotten my full schedule for work-so we left it at "talk to you soon". Then of course I ran into him this morning on our way to our respective work departments…between juggling my coffee, trying to hit the right elevator button and reading my map of directions for where I was supposed to go for the day…lets just say it was not a graceful encounter. So the whole thing may be much to worry about nothing.
Again, mess. I am a mess.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Been catching up on your thread and I gotta tell ya.....you are one of the most mature young ladies that I've ever known! I think I probably said that somewhere way back in the beginning, (and probably more than once), but it doesn't hurt to tell you again.
Not sure if you are asking for dating tips or about FB......of which I am very much out of touch these days....lol. But, of course I have something to say!
In your haste to get a new life.....there are still some things that have to be processed. I doubt seriously that I'm telling you anything you couldn't give me lessons about, but let's pretend that another person is lurking around the boards and this might help them, okay? As you are aware of, one of the most unpleasant feelings in our life that has to have time to process....is emotional pain. As much as I'm sure you wish you could "hurry" this along and move on to the next chapter in your life, we both know that won't happen that smoothly. That terrible 4 letter word.....T-I-M-E. Anyway, I've heard people in the dating world say that they don't enjoy going out with newly S or D people b/c all they can talk about is their spouse. So, I guess that is my tip on the dating scene. I think if "I" had to get out there again that I would have to be up-front with the man and tell him that I was not looking anything serious, outside of friendship, for a while. Yeah, I know.....men hate that word..."friendship"! Might run every guy in town away, right? I doubt you could run them all off....b/c they know a good thing when they see it. Well.....some guys, anyway!
Maybe I'm feeling protective here, but I want you to be careful and not allow yourself to fall into that old "rebound" trap. You will be okay and you will find happiness down the road.....or maybe even just around the corner. But, give all this bad stuff time to run its course so that you will be well and "ready" for Mr. Right when he picks up your map and coffee at the next elevator....
You do need to get into living, but please be careful with relationships, b/c as strong and as mature as you are.....there is much vulnerablility there.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for posting. I feel pretty mixed up about this whole thing; you are correct in that processing is very much my current task.
While I do feel a little more even keeled and am wanting to just stay detached and focus on me, I don't really feel like I want to move on to a new life.I want to more forward, have a full life, not be focused on M. or what H. is thinking and why, to ballance work and friends, but am not looking to start any sort of R. Obviously I don't know what I am doing on that front but know how quickly these things can get complicated and more complicated is the last thing I need or can handle these days.
It's late and I am very tired. At the end of the day I am happy to just go to sleep with some peace and quiet.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I have just read your posts and you are an incredible lady. i, like you have been with my h for 10 years, married for 6. Husband left end of Jan 2009, found out about other woman Feb 2009. We have been separated for 6 months.
I understand exactly where you are coming from when you say that you don't want to move on to a new life or new R but you want to concentrate on yourself and not focus all the time on your H and the M. I am going through these thoughts daily!
I think that the move that you have made is a brave one but in a way will define and clarify your situation with your husband. My H has said very similar things in some cases.
I just wanted to lend my vote of confidence and support to you and to say that you are doing a great job. the dips in the roller coaster will be there of course too.
TD Sweetie (hope you don't mind me calling you my pet name), I have an "assignment" for you, okay? Perhaps you do not see when you put yourself down in negative statements, but you are doing that. Look at your response post to my last one. You are a very smart lady and you know that b/c of one R where it was your S who chose to leave.....does not mean that "you" are not good at having other R's. I don't want you to fear the possibility of future R's with a man (and don't resist it and thus swing too far the other way by never getting emotionally involved trying to protect your heart). I only want you to be careful about jumping into something that could be a "rebound". It happens very often when broken hearts from previous R's are involved and the ones it happens to are not conscious of a rebound taking place. I think we humans want to get over the hurt and move on to another place and find happiness with another person so quickly that we do not see that we have rebounded into a R.
I'm not saying you were about to do that! Again....I'm feeling protective as if you were my own daughter and I'm giving out all my "wisdom"....(lol) I think you are such a special individual and I do not want you to give up your fight for the happiness you deserve. It will come.....I truly believe that.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself times to feel negative without beating up on yourself and thinking you are weak, etc. I think that is part of the "process" also.
Will you be working on the weekends at your new job? Are you and your sister close?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Will be carefull with my heart, no rushing into anything, definitely. One thing about this whole mess is it is helping me refine what I realize I need in a future R., whether it is with H. or anyone else. Honesty, intimacy, willingness to fight for me and the R. if things get tough...among others.
I've spent a lot of time dismayed to realize that H. would not fight for us. It was so unlike him. We know he is going through his own process right now. But I also realized that he was plain old tired of fighting in general, and probably genuniely is not sure that M. would ever be fullfilling for either of us. Don't agree with his choices, but fair enough. We both want to be happy and I hope are taking the time to learn how to be so. I hope it brings it him back to me someday, whole and ready. If not, I will still be ok.
Thank you for looking out for me. I'm not used being ok with that, like to be the care taker , but feel that I can accept that from you (with thanks!) because you are so genuine and insightful.
Regarding weekends-I work every 3rd. But my sister and a close friend live near by, so I am enjoying them, along with my GAL in general.
Will mosey over to your board and see how you are doing soon. Take care of you (and your health!) :-) TD
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I think you are such a special individual and I do not want you to give up your fight for the happiness you deserve. It will come.....I truly believe that. 