I just received an asnwer to my email for those following. It's a page long and mostly responds to the points I made but also shares his feelings. He starts with :
I am lost and mostly tired, very tired. And I want you to know that you are the ONLY person that gets thru to me and affects my thinking. Nobody else, has this influence on me. And I feel lost exaclty because I hear what you are telling me and take it very serioulsy-(in my email I said I am not quite sure he even reads what I write to him since I never get a respond).
He says that because he "hears" what I am saying he feels miserable. If me and the kids didnt exist in his life he wouldnt mind working and only working so much. But he cares about me and the kids more than anything even though he doesnt seem capable to show it. He says he feels already that the 2 years lost from our lives are too much time and clarifies that even if I think he only means the kids, he is talking about me also, he just happens to be "crazy about his kids" and that is what sticks out that I see.
He apologised about "the high quality living standards" remark of his and said he understands why I may have felt insulted by it.
He talks about his jobs and how he is stuck in this "2 jobs means security" mode. He says he cant take this anymore. That he started this 18 hours days when he moved out and that that was not a coincidence. (I remember posting that to someone the other day, I think in newcomers Aj, maybe?)He says it is not ambition but job security that makes him get stuck.
He insists he thinks time is our only enemy and that no matter what would happen, time is THE significant factor (suprisingly he talks as if it is too late now, first telling me how important I am to him and then saying this... I dont know, maybe I read it wrongly..).
He ends with "I know I have f@cked up and only I can unf@ck it with time. Every now & then I am ready to quit and something happens and I go back to -better have 2 jobs-. But let me tell you something, I cant do this anymore. It isnt possible. It's not possible that you guys go to the beach and me being "virtually present" thru calls, I cant answer to our S when he asks, "dad it is Sunday, you are working again?". I cant believe he is almost 8 and I cant do something for him (and her of course). Simple things. Such as taking to his classes or out to play".
And this is how it ends. So, after ALL the talks, the emails etc etc, what DID matter to him was a day like yesterday where I just didnt wait up for him (btw, it was lovely at the beach).
Dont know what to make of this. I have heard things like it before but never in detail and he realy seems to get that unless he changes his routine, he is missing out on the kids and his life.
I am not sure what to respond. Maybe with a "just quit and get busy living, you are ruled by FEAR". You know H IS a very well respected sports journalist here. He really has no reason to worry. I rspect him as a professinal alot and I know others do also. But, who am I to judge? It's his life and I am not taking the resposnsibility of his choices. K
OMG K! He seems like he really does get where you are coming from but has NO CLUE how to reform his own thinking.
Take your time processing this. He knows what the problem is...time....energy....focus.....but he has to come to a solution. You really have done everything you can to help point him in a direction toward resolving some of this, but he has to take all the next steps.
Keep doing what you are doing K!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Wow K.. he answered!! And he says you are the only one that touches him that way.. which I thought was lovely and a big compliment to you.. could you ackowledge that in reply to him or thank him for saying it at least, or say that you are glad that you connect on a deep level with him and he can take that kind of talks from you and you alone? But, he still says he cant do anything about it.. I suppose its positive that he knows he must though, like he said, he cant go on like this. Whats that saying, change one thing and everything changes.. I guess if he just made the change of quitting one job, his whole life would change and maybe you and the kids with it?
Glad you got a reponse !!
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Yes, lets celebrate a response!!! I get home and he has been here and taken the kids out to play. A newspaper closed and the rest papers are striking. So, just as he says, things are not stable, a very big newspaper just...closes to prove him right.
Anyway, I am not that excited about the respone but yes Al, I do feel it was big to say I am the "only one that gets thru to him and sees deeply in his soul" as he stated it. I guess that was because at a point I said in my mail what I've said here many times, that insteadof his mom death making what is importat in life more evident, the people we love, he withdrew from everybody, including the kids. And asked him if that could be so that he would avoid the possibility of loosing more people he loves?
Anyway, I am going to join them and maybe we will talk, who knows? K
Hey Lan!! Are you alive? Thanks but uncross your fingers, you may get a permanent damage done
It sounds to me as though you've found something that works, ie showing him that you aren't going to hang around on his time, so I guess you should keep doing that.
He also sounds like he is still a bit 'MLC' for want of a better description. At least he seems to have woken a little in that he admits he's using work as a security blanket. I was like that when H first left- I couldn't have a minute of spare time to think or I was worried I'd just die from the hurt of it all, FWIW.
I hope you're OK. Let me know if you're free to chat some time.
Got to say I agree in a few ways w/the other posters.
His response is very telling as to how lost he is. He knows what he needs to do, but doesn't know how to do it. Time is what he needs.
I also love Lisa's point that you've found something he doesn't like - moving forward w/out him - so you need to keep doing it. Keep making plans and invite him, but do them whether he comes or not. It is obvious this eats at him, so keep it up!
I too would say don't respond at all for a while...maybe even a few days. He's expecting your reply to come right away. Don't send it. Think long and hard about what you'd like to say first. If he gets it in a week, that would be fine too.
I know you are past the point of doing cartwheels that he responded to your email, i get that.
but still I think it was pretty great that he is being so introspective and realizing/admitting these things about himself. I hope he decides to finally DO something know that he fully realizes he has a big problem on his hands and does not want to miss out on his life with you and the kids.
At some point is there any discussion of him moving home? Maybe if he quits that second job?
I was expecting FG to use one of his famous quotes which dates back to your time in newcomers which was “ you lead and he will follow”. (do you remember it).
Well I think we’ve all latch on to this one K and you’ve probably already given it a try, but if you’ve got the will power and energy I think you should pursue this path. Lead on !!
I get home and he has been here and taken the kids out to play. A newspaper closed and the rest papers are striking. So, just as he says, things are not stable, a very big newspaper just...closes to prove him right.
