Yeah, we can each admit to treating our S horribly at times. But just like we chose how we treated them, they chose how they would respond. They could have SEEN the problem, sought help, reacted differently, but did not.
We can each see the past and say shoulda, coulda, woulda. Unfortunately we can't relive the past. We can only work with what we have now and pray our spouses accept the new us.
Keep going forward with the NEW you and let the past go.
Quote: What if you started keeping a journal...left it laying around with evidence of your interest in someone other than your wife?
... and from LL:
Quote: Well maybe not the making up of interest in someone else, but more an actual written journal of your feelings and thoughts. Including those you stated in one of your last posts about not staying around forever if CAW's fantasy with om doesn't end. She may not read this bb so a written journal may peak her interest and may just get her thinking with a more rational mind.
Ya know ... with all you gals checking in on me here ... I probably could bring out this thead to employ both suggestions.
Well wouldn't go that far ... I would certainly be tipping my hand as to snooping in her journal and such... ... but does bring up something I haven't mentioned yet ... I mentioned before that CAW is uncomfortable with me staying in contact here, so I, for the most part, have stopped posting from home (except when I sneak on after she falls asleep), because work has been "interfering" with keeping up on these boards, I have taken to printing out a couple of threads at a time and taking them home to read while CAW is sleeping or not around. Over the weekend I was reading Pam's thread in the "reading" room when I put it down to take care of other matters and forgotten about it when I walked out. A few minutes later I remember I left it in there and went back to retrieve it to discover CAW sitting on the "reading" chair giving it a once over. She looked up with a puzzled expression, but I knew she was not pleased. Of course, I felt like I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, and got defensive about it. Lately, she been keeping more to herself, but who know how of that can be because of this.
Journalling ... that would be a 180 for sure. I've typed more words on this board than I have done in all the years before. I wonder...
from Sue:
Quote: KAW.so sorry...I did not mean to doubt your feelings....and am sorry it brought back too many thoughts........just know that I am thinking about you...
No worries ... One thing I've gotten pretty good at is bouncing back from those funks ... they usually don't last to long anymore ... and it definately helps to know there are others out there that are concerned about me.
Shiny, I know its always tough on the offspring no matter how old they are. LL, even mention how tough it was on her and that was around the time she was getting married, but when they are old enough to start living their own lives then there are some issues that would be no longer a concern, such as custody, visitation, child support, etc... and how that affects the children too. I won't be the one choosing to put D10 thru that!
Zoo: Feel free to pop in anytime ... while I can't offer any baked goodies or a fine wine like some others around here ... I BBQ as much as possible and always have some beers in the frig ... anyone up for some steak?!
Cathy: Thanks for the insight on keeping commitments ... I think CAW does some of that thinking too. Good for me to keep in mind.
Pam & Cindy: Thanks too for dropping by and giving your support ...
Quote: .. I would certainly be tipping my hand as to snooping in her journal and such...
well you don't have to write in it things like "checked caws diary today and noted that she's still talking to om". You could however just journal your thoughts there, things that you feel, think, assume, etc.
Since she did pick up the printed thread you were reading it does show that she's in some insecure with you..perhaps a journal with flooding thoughts from you unintentionally left for her to flip through might help her come out of hiding a bit.
if she believes that you are confident in your feelings for her and the m, it may be difficult for her to open up about her fears.
however if she see's that you have fears and questions as well it might open up a more comfortable place for her to step.
Quote: Ya know ... with all you gals checking in on me here ... I probably could bring out this thead to employ both suggestions.
Well sometime I try to type to quick and it comes out wrong. That was suppose to read...
I probably could print out this thead and bring it home to employ both suggestions.
... and LL, my tipping my hand comment was kinda "tongue in cheek" pretaining to bring home a printout of my thread ... as I have mentioned here quite clearly that I haved snooped.
Seriously, you do make some very good points about journalling my thoughts and feelings. ... but I'm not to sure how it would work. The things is when she feels she wants out, she expresses how she feels like a coward by not acting upon it. She has written how I would be better off without her and doesn't know why I don't call it quits, that would make it easier for both of us. She even admitted to me once that what provoked the first time she slept with him was because she wanted a D and was certain after she told me about PA, I would D her. In her eyes, it was the biggest 180 I have ever done by saying I still wanted to work on M. She felt that was the sure-fire way of ending it for once and for all!
anyway ... this just popped into my head ... As I often said, we just can't seem to share any of this verbally ... maybe it some perverse sort of way it would work by snooping in each others journals?! ... nah! that wouldn't work ... would it?
Quote: this just popped into my head ... As I often said, we just can't seem to share any of this verbally ... maybe it some perverse sort of way it would work by snooping in each others journals?! ... nah! that wouldn't work ... would it?
was exactly what my line of thinking was. who know's it may work. may lead to the two of you being able to write TO eachother, wich may then lead to the two of you being able to TALK to eachother.
Just wanted to pop on here with a word of caution...
Before leaving a journal laying around really THINK about what CAW's reaction would be to some of the things you write in it. Ask yourself if this is something that would truly move you forward in your sitch.
I kept a journal during the worst part of my sitch. Actually it was more like a book-long letter because I was using it to talk to H when we weren't speaking. I wrote in it openly in front of H...didn't think nothing of it since he showed no interest in what I was doing.
I ran away for a week when things got to stressful for me. I forgot my journal in the process of packing. I was totally lost without it but never once thought H would read it.
I was wrong.
H said he read it as soon as I walked out the door. He had to know WHY I did nothing but write in "that book" whenever he was around. The big surprise was that the things I wrote were eye-openers for him...it made him see the sitch for what it was and through it H realized exactly how I felt. H had gotten the notion that I didn't really love him but was only with him because of my disability...I wonder WHO gave him that idea???
The first reading of the journal had positive results.
I continued writing in it because H still hadn't committed fully yet and the tension was still too much at times. H read it again...only this time he didn't like what I had to say. Things started spiraling into the badlands again. I threw the darn thing away!
The damage it caused far outweighed any prior progress it had aided
Now I just keep a solution journal and try to keep to just positive statements in it. H doesn't even attempt to read it. Much better all the way around
If your journal is a contrived one...you write in it to purposely guage CAW's reaction...maybe that would work as long as you are fully prepared to accept those reactions.
If your journal is an honest one...you get to pouring all of yourself in it...will it be worth the pain you might feel if CAW doesn't react the way you would like her too??
Don't know if this makes any sense...my head is pounding right now. Like I said...I just wanted to offer a word of caution on this particular idea.
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Just wanted to stop in to say hi...thinking about you as you struggle with so many feelings....sometimes I wish I had something going on in my r, yet maybe where my h and I are right now are where we should be..
Work has been getting a little crazy which is why I haven't been post much to others lately and today I actually took off because of not feeling so well, but am slowing improving which is I'm here now. but I am struggle a bit with PMA.
Feel I'm at an impasse right now and don't know what to do about it right now. Just kinda biding time until it come to me.
Now for a very bad thing I did this morning ... I snooped. CAW received a mail order package yesterday. In the upper drawer of her dresser, from the same mail order company I found a gold pocketwatch with OM's initials engraved. No doubt a Christmas gift.
I'm beginning to wish I had more backbone, but I just don't know where to go from here...
I'm really sorry. Its been tough for me to even type this because there's been so much good stuff on this board lately, I've been hesitant to post about myself.
... but does bring up something I haven't mentioned yet ... I mentioned before that CAW is uncomfortable with me staying in contact here, so I, for the most part, have stopped posting from home (except when I sneak on after she falls asleep), because work has been "interfering" with keeping up on these boards, I have taken to printing out a couple of threads at a time and taking them home to read while CAW is sleeping or not around. Over the weekend I was reading Pam's thread in the "reading" room when I put it down to take care of other matters and forgotten about it when I walked out. A few minutes later I remember I left it in there and went back to retrieve it to discover CAW sitting on the "reading" chair giving it a once over. She looked up with a puzzled expression, but I knew she was not pleased. 
Of course, I felt like I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, and got defensive about it. 
She even admitted to me once that what provoked the first time she slept with him was because she wanted a D and was certain after she told me about PA, I would D her. In her eyes, it was the biggest 180 I have ever done by saying I still wanted to work on M. She felt that was the sure-fire way of ending it for once and for all!
but I am struggle a bit with PMA.