Circling the drain

[cat03]

"that which is the hardest for you to do, that's what you should do"
which refers to the crying and begging you did , which you already know you should not do -- you CAN control your mind and not let your emotions take over. Right now the pain is pretty raw and it is understandable you feel this way. But there are different ways to channel your emotions, you must find outlets to help you think clearly.
You have to keep busy first of all, dont' stay home all day, join a meetup group, go jogging, volunteer, in helping others you will be helping yourself.
Your mind is your worst enemy, you must fill it with good reads, with positive stuff. Living apart is hard but sometimes it helps, the name escapes me, but do go to a bookstore and check out what they have on separation.
He's obviously hurting and confused, perhaps having time alone will help him think clearly. With all the heavines of my heart, after waiting for him for 8mths and living what I thought to be a somewhat happy M life for almost a year, I had to tell my now X to leave when I found out he was secretly going out with the woman he was seeing when he left the first time. I had found the strenght to let him go, to tell him to decide what he wanted on his own -- I refused to be disrespected while he lived with me.

Your H needs to find the courage to fight for your M and stay with you not because you begged him to or that he has no place to stay (mine came back because he was lonely and had no better place to go, big mistake). Otherwise it will go downhill, he has to want to fix the M and be with you, let him find his way.

He has agreed to C, that's awesome! make sure that you have a good C, some new age C are more trouble than help.

I found God again, and prayer healed me then and has helped me deal now after my D... sometimes my prayer was just a tearful "I can't take this anymore, please help me " over and over again. I found peace, and eventually I was able to smile when i woke up, I had to force myself to understand and know that even if he never came back I'd be ok, it was hard to come to that conclusion, but that gave me the strenght to find myself and to wait for him.

And you know what? I'm more than ok.

You WILL be ok, you have to believe it.