Newcomer requesting advice

[traveldane]

Ok. So I am supossed to be dark, no contact. I suck at it. No, actually, I don't completely suck at it, can do it to an extent, have been overal, but can't seem to drop the rope completely. I know it is bad for my situation, bad for me most of all.

I talked to WAH today. Much as I am mad at myself for initiating contact, it was a good conversation, in that it gave me some understanding. For months I've been collecting words or phrases, trying to understand him, what happened. I know that I need to stop doing this, but my drive to connect the dots, to undertand my reality, is too much for me at times.

My anger and hurt over so many things about this seemed to culminate over the past few days in thoughts about why H gave up on us. Why was something that was so good for him once no longer what he wanted. Was I vanilla when he now wanted strawberry, or did he just accidentally order vanilla in the first place. Or, did he think he wanted vanilla and than realize he was lactose intollerant?

Anyway, whatever. Following the DBing "rules", I just listened. I obstained from defending us, what happened. I validated and agreed at times. Here is what he told me.

For a long time, about a year before we lost our baby, he felt like we had started to focus on too many other things besides our relationship. He said we pushed to do more, buy more, always were everything to everyone (neighbors, friends, family) but he said "if only we had put as much effort into us as we did to everything else in our life". He said that perhaps we did this to compensate. He said the poor communication was a factor and that then, when we lost the baby, our already leaning tower collapsed.

I so wanted to defend us against all the things that had spread us thin over the past year, to say that it wouldn't have had to continue this way. But instead I agreed with him, because I do agree that we spread ourselves too thin and lost sight of what was important. I told him how much this time apart had allowed me to refocus my priorities, learn what I wanted most from life. Was continuing to work on that. I told him I could understand why he felt our relationship was lacking and said how sorry I was that it had become that way.

Feeling better after conversation because I feel less personally condemed. Still frustrated that H. judged the situation irrepairable a long time ago (5 mos)and appears to have closed the book for good. Did not bring up OW but know that that is making it easy for him to lose no tears over our M.

Wondering. Do WAS who eventually take the risk to try again, where does that first seed of willingness to believe come from?

Clearly H. wants space to live his own life now. I am trying to let go completely, and I think he knows that, but clearly since it has not fully happened, it has no meaning for him.

Maybe I will allow myself one more post about connecting the dots of our conversations to try to understand this all a bit more, but then, no more posts about WAH for a while. Only can do my best for me, for now. Really really have to find a way to get my head in that place.

-strength to accept what I can't change, courage to change what I can, wisdom to know the difference. Please.