Thinker, I too am in limboland. We are the same age and look like our families are pretty similar.
How are you coping with the daily grind? I am up and down, but the longer it goes, the more good days come. Still have bad days, but they are coming less often and are less severe.
My W has not mentioned anything about the R since shortly after dropping the bomb. Typical to this kind of sitch, she acts like everything is great for the most part - just a friendly roomate.
I am GAL'ing, working on detaching, and exercising like crazy.
It's been a hell of a roller coaster. I am much more calm now that I was in the past. It's not the daily grind that get's to me, however. I find that I can play along right with my W at being friendly moments. The trick to that was lots of thought and my interpretation of SmileysPerson's "Spiers Doctrine"
Spiers Doctrine: Created by SmileysPerson from the Movie "Band of Brothers" - once you realize that you are already dead (it just hasn't happened yet), then you can get rid of your fear of death and behave like a soldier.
to SmileysPerson this means "Once you realize that you are already divorced (it just hasn't happened yet, but it will), then you can detach and start acting like you need to."
to me this means "Once you realize that there is no longer a Romantic relationship between you and your W (It's Dead!), then you can detach and stop looking for it in her, and you can finally detach and start the work of rebuilding the R from the ground up."
Realizing and really admitting this enabled me to stop looking for signs of interest from my W. I could now be near her without wondering if she was going to allow intimacy, and could lie in the bed with her and not hope futilely that she would initiate affection. It allowed me to detach and really focus on myself, on the partnership we have to raise our kids and maintain our home, etc. It has brought me a lot of peace.
The detaching from the R has in turn enabled me to interact with my W better (still not great) on difficult subjects. In our early post-bomb discussions I was emotional, pleading and trying to convince her while she sat there stoicly. Now the situation is reversed (with a twist). I sit there and try to listen attentively while she (still not talking openly) cries emotionally.
Keep up the GALing and exercising. Those are both lifelong habits that you don't want to drop.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/23/0902:41 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Spiers Doctrine: Created by SmileysPerson from the Movie "Band of Brothers" - once you realize that you are already dead (it just hasn't happened yet), then you can get rid of your fear of death and behave like a soldier.
to SmileysPerson this means "Once you realize that you are already divorced (it just hasn't happened yet, but it will), then you can detach and start acting like you need to."
Thinker, I too am in limboland. We are the same age and look like our families are pretty similar.
How are you coping with the daily grind? I am up and down, but the longer it goes, the more good days come. Still have bad days, but they are coming less often and are less severe.
My W has not mentioned anything about the R since shortly after dropping the bomb. Typical to this kind of sitch, she acts like everything is great for the most part - just a friendly roomate.
I am GAL'ing, working on detaching, and exercising like crazy.
Pay attention to Thinker and read other threads AND know that this takes time. You get it when you get it and you will feel profoundly different when you do.
You get it when you get it and you will feel profoundly different when you do.
I suppose this is part of the process and just cannot be rushed. I feel like as time goes by, I am accepting more and more of the D - and the fear of it is subsiding. Only complication there is when I think of how the kids are going to be affected. Then I get sad, then angry.
Only complication there is when I think of how the kids are going to be affected. Then I get sad, then angry.
The same principle applies.
If you are already D'd (It just hasn't happened yet), then what do your kids need? They need a great, loving, involved Dad who is both emotionally available and at the same time solid and reliable. Someone they can trust and lean on when their whole world is shifting, but who doesn't make their situation worse by demonizing or undercutting their mother. (etc - you get the picture)
So now go be that Dad!
What is it going to take to get to that place for them? That's what you need to do!
(Me, I'm still working on it too. We're all on the same journey together.)
Last edited by Thinker; 06/23/0902:53 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Only complication there is when I think of how the kids are going to be affected. Then I get sad, then angry.
That is the terror for all of us. You don't have to vanquish your feelings to get to a place of acceptance.
One thing that helps me is to take myself mentally to the scariest place...D, H having kids 50%, H taking them on trips without me, H showing up with 20 something model GF who tells my kids to call her mom, me driving a clunker, working at CVS and sporting the single mom crazy eye...and guess what? I'm still ok.
Whatever your fear is, just go there and know that you can still be ok. AND, aside from telling the kids (which is awful, period), most of it is no where near as bad as you imagine it will be. Still, even after telling the kids, life goes on and we parents are here for them, that is our job.
