Hm...what to say...what to say... Well, I had a nice Father's Day with both of my boys for most of the day...My S12 is with me for the summer now - so we've already been having a lot of fun together - taught him how to cook dinner tonight...and B finally agreed to allow me to have S2 with me on Sunday - though she insisted that I only have him with me from 10am-5pm - because, in her words, he needs consistency...
A few days ago I let slip that I don't trust her and that I think she's self centered...well...it kind of came out because she was acting a bit strange when I asked her if she would be dropping S2 off at his daycare last Friday - since they were having a Father's Day Breakfast...she said she hadn't heard anything about it - this, despite the fact that there was a huge sign on the front gate to the daycare and the main door to the building that announced it in clear letters...so I got annoyed with her apparent lie, and she accused me of being a jerk...to which I said, "It may seem to you that I'm a jerk because I think you're a self-centered person and I don't trust you." She didn't say anything in response - just looked kind of shocked...while I sort of smiled to myself - since the words didn't come from malice - but just from a real sentiment toward her...
Eventually I got a strange, wandering email from her taking issue with my not trusting her - and suggesting that I am not willing to work with her in our son's best interests...well, since she didn't ask any questions of me, however, I did not respond. The only email from her that I did respond to was a recent one in which I once again had to remind her that she does not respect my rights as S2's father - and took issue with her bizarre assertion that S2 - who turns 3 in Sept - must still nurse at night...and so, according to her logic, he cannot spend nights with me yet...
It's all become part of the strange new world of trying to maintain contact with someone I don't trust - with someone that has, again and again, acted in deceptive ways, but refuses to see any of her actions as duplicitous at all. She's an odd one...last week when I took S2 to the doctor for a follow up appointment (he had a mild pneumonia) - she didn't ask about what the doctor said until late in the afternoon the next day...not a word when she came by to pick up S2 the evening of his appointment...
But I'm just kind of journaling here...reminding myself of her behavior so that I can revisit this again in the future - if need be. I've moved on from my life with her - and though I still feel the occasional hint of loss - I don't ever find myself with a desire to reconcile...too much damage done - and now that my S12 has opened up to me about how he felt about her...I'm more cautious than ever about even having her see my S12 at all...
As for my own life...I'm doing well...still working on regaining a firm self of confidence in myself...and still learning to be open to the present on a daily basis. Which is to say, my year of turmoil seems to be calming down...and I am happy.
