I've seen you on here for a while,and was wondering what brought you here, and what your current sitch was. I tried looking for it but didn't have much success.
And yes, I'm taking all Sandi says very seriously.
I originally came here to the Sex-Starved Marriage (SSM) forum, as I've been in a long-term SSM. After growing increasingly distant, my wife had an affair in the summer of 2007, and the next three months were the most painful of my life. With a lot of help from the folks on these forums, and by taking a strong stand (including exposing her affair), she ended it after three months and begged me to take her back.
We've had a number of fits and starts since then, and we're still working on the SSM issue. My wife has finally agreed to get some IC, which is a huge step, and I'm still hopeful for my marriage.
btw, although she was originally livid, my wife THANKED me for fighting for her, and said she respected the strong stand that I took.
I found it interesting that she thanked you for fighting for her. I'm so afraid my H would be LIVID and just stay that way. Running faster into the arms of his skank, (lol) I mean OW.
I've studied literally HUNDREDS of affairs. In almost every (not all), the angry-as-a-mad-hornet lividness has turned into NICE AS HELL and even RESPECTFUL within DAYS.
Well, respectful anyway in my case. I think it's because a lot of WAS equate what LBS view as being nice as us being weak. I don't agree with that, but I think that's how many of them think from what I've seen.
I've actually avoided a lot of arguments/anger in my case from being stronger and less nice. And I feel better about myself, stronger, more self-confident, better PMA. Hasn't helped my marriage, but I don't know that anything could have really... Karen
WOW!... I should have participated on here months ago instead of just reading everyone elses sitch.
I'd love to be able to do it, but I don't think it's in me. I'm starting to wonder if what H wants is to see me get LIVID as you say and fight for him. In the meantime he has gotten closer and closer to OW. I kind of was that way when this all started but in a pathetic, persuing way. Mmmm...
I do have a question for you that I have been rolling around in my head. I leave on thursday to spend three weeks with D in Georgia. How should I act towards him up until I go? He knows I'm leaving but doesn't know where. What about when I'm gone, no contact? What's bothering me most right now is wondering if he brings OW into our house. EEK! If I tell him not to, he would probably do it for spite. And say it's his house also. Or should I not even think about it? I am hoping being gone so long that he will miss me. But, I don't see why he would since he has OW.
Thanks Puppy for any insight you may have from a guys pov!
I sure know what you mean by having it in your head but don't know how to write it down.
You can be the wife he would want to come back to! But ask yourself what kind of woman would he want to go back to? I think most men would want the gal he thought he couldn't have so easily. I think he would be attracted to a spunky, sexy spitfire that didn't take his cr@p! You can be like that without being mean and nasty!
I am going to use this comparrison and it is not to insult you, but trying to get you to see this point, okay? You know how it feels to come home after wearing high-heels all day and put on your favorite old pair of house shoes? Are "you" his old pair of house shoes he feels comfortable with? I think you need to shake up that image, if you are. And you.......you are way too comfy with things as they are, whether you know it or not. I can almost see it in your posts.
In my opinion, it is most important that the LBS have the respect of their WAS. Without respect, the R will not be stable enough to build anything else. He won't even be a "friend" if he doesn't respect you first. Do any of us have true friends we "like" who we don't respect? We may have relatives in that category....but not friends. However, I don't think you just want him for a "friend". I think you want him back as your H. In order to do that, you have to be attractive......and I don't mean just physically attractive.
When in MLC, it is hard to get his undivided attention b/c his mind is mostly on himself and what he wants. What did he want before the D? He wanted a R with OW b/c she was unavailable to him.......at least, legally. I believe that is human nature to want what we know is unavailable. As long as you are right there for him to see, hear, and share the time he's not at work or with OW.......you are not unavailable to him. Why would he feel threaten at the prospects of losing you? He divorced you and you are still living under the same roof as he is! BTW, are the two of you still sharing a bed?
Now, you can't hear my tone of voice in my posts and I want you to realize that I'm not trying to see how nasty I can be toward you. Trust me, if I wasn't interested or if I did not care a flip.....I would not be here. So, I do care, and it bothers me to see a woman not have more spunk than this. I bet you have it--but maybe it's been a while since you actually showed it. You need to get some "attitude" and I don't mean to act like a b*tch........I mean attitude in a good way. He needs to see you in a different light. He still looks at you or thinks of you as his W, even though he's legally D from you. Like I said before....He has the best of both worlds. You aren't his W so you can't really "nag" at him and I bet he knows you well enough to realize you are trying to get on his "good side" so you can win him back. Yes? Don't you realize this man KNOWS you? Sure he does! Isn't it time that you are less predictable? What would wake him up and cause him to see that he wants you back.......without you acting like a crazy person? I'm not suggesting you parade the streets naked or anything like that! But I am saying that you need to break away from your "mold" and go get a life! How long has it been that you had a life that did not include him? Do you have friends that are strickly "your" friends and they do not see you as a "couple"? If you don't....then you need to make new friends, which may require you to go to new places! That takes courage, but if you are going to have a new life.....courage is what you will need.
He is not the only one that has grown comfortable in this R. One reason you want things to remain as they were is b/c you don't want to have to venture out and make changes. You may not see changes as a good thing. I wonder if that is the real reason for remaining in the house with a man who D you. I'm not sure I believe it's b/c "it's your home, too". I won't say you are the only woman who has ever remained in the house with a D spouse, but I sure never have heard of it before. That very picture "shouts" one of lack of respect for yourself, MJ. Do you not have anywhere else you could live or could you not support yourself......what is the "real" reason you are staying on? I think it is b/c you can't come to terms with the fact this man D you for OW. And speaking of this OW........that is strange to me. Why is she not wanting to boot you out of that house and take your place? Is she not single where he can M her? What is the hold up? If she was serious about him, she would be applying pressure for him to get out of that house....or get you out, so something isn't quite right there.
Anyway, to become the woman he wants to go back to......you need to get his attention and by doing that....you need to show self respect and stop acting like his wife! Did you get that? You are not his wife--so stop acting like it! Then, go out and get a life for yourself. Don't discuss it with him and don't explain what you are doing at any given time. Don't leave notes and don't call to say you'll be late. That is what M people do. You both have keys to the house, right? Be unpredictable! Don't have dinner waiting on him when he gets home. Instead, don't be there at all and don't show up until very late. If he should show anger at your inconsideration for not saying anything to him.....that's a good sign! Then you can remind him that you owe him no explainations b/c you are a single lady who is free to do whatever she wants to do. If he finally gets the idea that his XW is "FREE"........then that may be the first tiny step in opening his eyes. You being "free" means you are unattached and available to other men. Hey.......you may not be interested in seeing anybody, but you don't tell him that. If he expresses any concerns about your life or other men or whatever.....don't you dare reassure him! Let him wonder about OM being interested in you. That's good!
If you are not exercising and doing things that are good for you, then that is another "must". You need to do things we women like that make us feel pretty and puts a pep into our step. Whatever that may be.......a new hair color, make-over.....new fashions.....try something different!! Taking good care of yourself will show not only on the outside, but it will shine from the inside of you......and that is what he is going to notice. The "new you" that begins to shine from the inside out. Maybe you need to do a lot of self improment.....I don't know. But if you do.....then get started girl, b/c it's never too late to work on ourself! I can say that it isn't as easy as it use to be......but it is possible....lol.
MJ, I suspect your self-esteem has suffered after your H left you for OW, which is natural. But you can pep that esteem back up where it needs to be. There are many places on the Internet that has free material on this very subject. I have printed off information on women's self-esteem and it is helpful. He is not going to do anything to help the situation. You realize that, don't you? It is up to you. It is up to you...especially....to pick yourself up and make a life. Now, this is the most important part so please don't miss what I'm about to say to you. You must live your life as though he will never be your H again. B/c that may very well be the truth. When you can accept that fact, you WILL be able to mentally and emotionally drop that rope you have tied to him and let it go and then move on with "living". But you have to accept things for what they are and stop hanging onto him. You can use the "house" or whatever, but I know.....and he knows....that you are clinging to that man, hoping that he will snap out of his MLC and want to be with you again. You can't live like that. I'm not saying that you completely "give up" ever hoping for something in the future. But it is possible to drop that emotional rope and act "as if" he is no longer a part of your life. Can you try to do that? Even if you can't really "feel" the emotional dropping of the rope at first.....you can pretend that you are doing it until you actually have suceeded.
Okay, enough for now. I will check back tomorrow and see how you are doing. Hope you will read post in the MLC forum. Don't confuse the different senerios and the different approaches to the DBing.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Like you, I read for months before beginning my own thread. I have a crazy MLC H and an even crazier sitch. I've been at this for 2 years now and the concept that DB will save the LBS and POSSIBLY the M is finally making sense to me. I'll defer to Sandi and Puppy for their stellar advice but:
Look at this:
Quote:
I'm starting to wonder if what H wants...
and this:
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What's bothering me most right now is wondering if he...
You must stop wondering what he thinks or what he'll do. There's no way in h*ll you'll be able to figure it out anyway. Put the focus on YOU. Tell him where you're going only if he asks. Be polite. The OW will do herself in eventually but it will take time.
Enjoy Georgia and your D!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
