Honest engine here. He is sober. I know who he is with. The "in" thing now is Organic food and self-help...seriously.
The drugs are attention, escape from our reality and the pursuit of greatness.
You are right though, part of why he is running is because within only a short time with us, we become a regular old family together.
I thank you for your kind words.
I have to take responsibility though. I hedged my bets on the spoiled child. I saw in him what he sees in himself, I just thought he could do both. I also, turned from his admirer and advocate to bitter and critical (out of desperation and fear)...
What keeps me hanging on to the last thread? Same thing as everyone. I don't want the lifestyle that accompanies D. I have lived and loved with H for enough stretches to know it is possible. I believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment (of course contingent upon both partners putting in the effort). I would love to provide a living example for my kids of how two people love and honor each other within a marriage. I would love for my children to live in one household, this is already torture. Plus, our resources are already so diminished. I would love for H and I to both heal with each other (per Imago). The work has to be done regardless. I AM willing to carry the burden IF there are signs of change...they are slow coming. But, they are there.
All of that said, the ache in my gut is gone because I know I will be ok no matter what. And, I know that without us both changing, it can't happen.
All of that said, the ache in my gut is gone because I know I will be ok no matter what. And, I know that without us both changing, it can't happen.
That is the leap of faith required to go across the chasm from fear to love. You only control you once you jump. You really don't have control of him now it's just part of the illusion that fear shows you. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Here's what I found. When my head and my heart were in the "right" place and I felt my self-worth (and even a touch of righteous indignation), I knew what to do and say. I wasn't reactive or fearful but I felt almost divinely (or intuitively) guided...
How to maintain that inner connected-ness, I'm not sure. I seem to use up all my "mojo" and then deflate in a sort of emotional vacuum.
I need to go back and really pin down what worked and have a disciplined practice so that I am ready when duty calls.
Here's what I found. When my head and my heart were in the "right" place and I felt my self-worth (and even a touch of righteous indignation), I knew what to do and say. I wasn't reactive or fearful but I felt almost divinely (or intuitively) guided...
How to maintain that inner connected-ness, I'm not sure. I seem to use up all my "mojo" and then deflate in a sort of emotional vacuum.
What works for me is to be in a position of love. Sounds all mushy and corny but if I love myself, wife, family and friends then I will have the courage, strength and sense of duty to do the right thing. If I am afraid of the outcome or looking out for my needs first (expectations) then I tend to not take the right action.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Oh, Coach, I keep having this urge to ask H about Retrouvaille. I had planted a seed but I think he is too distracted to bring it up on his own.
I know that I can feel he is on the verge of an A, I almost feel like he gave me the information for a reason...I have fear that once he is in it with someone else, it will be to late, or, is it logical to put it out there now?
My stronger feeling is to let him go...though it is really gnawing at me that within a short time, he will be in another R.
I think my love has been confused self-sacrifice/neediness.
Hey, I know that problem!
The trick is to make sure you include loving yourself in that mix. Love is the right place but you have to Love yourself first, and then you can love others. Otherwise, it is only self-sacrifice.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
When we went to Retrouvaille my H was involved in an affair. It had been revealed, and OW had broken up with H after receiving a veiled threat by my son, but H was still clinging to her emotionally. I found out later that at the time we entered the Retrouvaille building he was still writing her love letters and describing our relationship as his "marriage/divorce". That was on a friday night. By Sunday afternoon he was committed to our marriage. This would have never happened without the weekend. It wasn't anything they said, or I did, it was the whole experience. An experience that brought out the best in both of us. It doesn't work for everybody. But it has a very high success rate.
