Retrouvaille is a wonderful experience. Yes, I'd recommend it even with a maybe EA/PA. But they will call before you go and ask if you are going with an open mind and a willing heart, and if any third parties are involved. If both spouses don't say yes to open mind/willing heart and no third parties, they don't encourage you to go. This is because there are so many unhappy marriages around. And they can only help about 20-30 couples at each weekend. If a couple is not open to reconciliation, they would rather have a more willing couple. The weekend is facilitation, not brain-washing.
EA/PA implies 3rd party and "closed mind", "unwilling heart". The WAS may lie and go with no intention of reconciling. It happened to me: she came there expecting it to help her get D. Its happened to others too that I know of.
"Just for info. mentioning Retro can be done in a way as to suggest to the S who wants to end the M that it might help give you both the tools to end the M in a constructive, controlled manor, as opposed to being malicious and nasty, (Ie you may save on L fees). It teaches one great skills of interaction. Of course, the whole idea is that once you get there you remember what it is you love about each other and your life together....but as a ruse to get the wayward spouse there in the first place it sometimes works...."
Unless she is a bit open to reconciliation and not pressured to go in any way its probably not worth going. And they do not and should not be teaching any skills to help end the marriage in any way shape or form. Sometimes the people who call on the phone are not the sharpest or well trained but they are such passionate believers in it that they try to get the WAS to attend by any means possible.
Apart from a lot of instructive information on how marriages thrive or fall apart the main skill they teach is something called "dialoging" where you learn to communicate how you feel about something by writing down your **feelings** about it and then taking turns to read/listen to what you each have written - they do this several times on each of the 2 days. Notice its about **feelings** not intellect/right/wrong. They also define love as a decision and specifically not a feeling (i.e., love is a commitment, an act of will)
I read the stats - 80% of couples attending reconcile, etc - and wonder whether it is just the pre-selection - ie only couples on the way to reconciliation agree to go.
In either way, the message is the same: It works, but only if both parties are open minded and willing.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I read the stats - 80% of couples attending reconcile, etc - and wonder whether it is just the pre-selection - ie only couples on the way to reconciliation agree to go.
In either way, the message is the same: It works, but only if both parties are open minded and willing.
The pre-selection does not exclude those who are reluctant to reconcile, in almost every case, one is extremely reluctant (at least that it is my understanding).
I don't know what makes fb2 so bitter, but his dismissive attitude to Retrouvaille is insulting. The program is sort of a self-help program. Couples who have been through the difficult stages of marriage, pulled through, and found a better way, tell their stories to the gathered group. Then they pass along the method. There are no professional counselors, and no one intrudes on your privacy.
Yes, dialoguing is key. However, if all you do is "read/listen" to what the other has written, then you miss the point of dialoguing. It does require emotional investment and empathy. If you are not at all interested in your spouse's feelings about the issues in your life, then it is no wonder that you get nothing out of it.
I don't believe that it requires people who want to reconcile. I do believe that it requires people who have an ability to relate to another person's pain and have an interest in their spouse's life.
Thanks for your input and support re Retrovaille. It is really encouraging. I am still reluctant to push too hard on my W because I don't want her to change her mind and run. I am, however, going to make sure that I take responsibility for scheduling, following up, etc.
I want this to happen. At the same time I am am unwilling to get excited simply due to the number of (self-generated) disappointments I have had in the past.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
