Well, today H tells me that when he called sponsor last night, the guy told him not to call anymore and quit on him. I am not surprised after listening to convo between them the night before and previous nights. This guy is tough and I suspect reacting to the fact that his other sponsoree relasped recently. So as far as I can tell, the sponsor has a problem and is not flexible.
I believe my H really wants sobriety. He is doing what he can. I do think that the advice not to reconcile with me has undermine his connection to AA people, but he is still going to meetings. I understand the concerns of others, but there are some serious changes at home thus it will not be the same place he left. These changes are not because of him and would have occurred anyway.
I also have not had a problem saying no to him before now about reconciling, I waited until I heard things and saw behaviors that confirmed real change. When I came to this site, I set up goals and he is meeting everyone of them without my telling him that these goals exist. I think that tells me something about his awareness and desire to stay M.
I also want to say that we are having good discussions in light of past memories and behavior. He has a lot to deal with, and I see that I have the same to deal with but so far, we are doing it. I will also remind readers that both of us have a strong spiritual and prayer life that helps us to cope with daily living. But I appreciate the input.
I am curious how H will handle the meeting and seeing his ex-sponsor tonight. Said he would call.
That will be interesting. Did he quit because he wasn't agreeing to daily meetings?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
H just called - went to the meeting said hi to ex sponsor and came home. Has plans to attend meetings in my area (already picked out) and pick up a sponsor here.
What I heard on the nights he was at my place and made calls - the guy insisted on meetings everyday - after 30years this guy still goes everyday. f corse he is in retirement now. He insisted on a phone call everyday - which H was doing. Guy didn't care what h had to say. It was his way or no way. I could hear the guy yelling through the phone across the room. I never heard of such a thing.
I guess not every sponsor/A is a fit. See what happens with the next one. I get both sides of the arguement but at this stage I would try and do what the sponsor wanted at least until the one year mark was attained. See what the new sponsor reccommends.
Kass you have come so far in the time you have been here. Your M has come so far too. I am so happy for you!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
It's a tough sitch to watch & know and accept that it is beyond your control. But did you say that the sponsor was someone with 30 years sobriety and who knew Bill W? (Bill W was the creator of AA and is very well respected for those of you unfamiliar with AA, he's the "guru")
That's a pretty serious "credential" if you know what I mean. Why'd your h pick him as his sponsor? And they did not support the reconciliation yet? Is that correct? Or at all? I'm assuming the former and that really is standard. They've seen too many relapses and failed m's that might have been avoided, had the recovering person simply taken it more slowly. How long did your h drink and how long has he been sober?
Well in any event it sucks to have a sponsor "fire" you. That's a bummer. But maybe your h will react more with the next one. If not, I'd be very concerned. I have only known one sponsor to fire someone and never without a warning. I think your h probably knew it was coming. Is it possible he wants an easier sponsor who won't hold him as accountable? Just asking.
I know that you see changes in him and want to believe all is well, while still knowing that it is a long road. I am just reminding you that there are those with a lot more personal experience, who know what tends not to work so well. They just don't want him to repeat their mistakes. Make sense? We all want the best for his recovery and your M. Good luck J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't like seeing H hurt when he is doing what he can to stay sober and by someone who "knows better?" Doesn't seem like it. I was supportive of what he is doing b/c it allows us to have a future.
I see changes that I want, all is "going" well, I am aware that there are no guarantees here. I am praying for the best outcome for each of us and our M. Not pretending I know what that is. The odds are not in our favor, but we are working it.
The odds are against all of us if we're here in the first place. Come to think of it, the odds are nearly all against us from the day we got married if it's really a 50% thing. But as my 11 y/o read/said, "the fun thing about the dating game is you only have to win once, to win the whole thing..."
But I take a tiny bit of issue with your comment that pursuing the M now gives your M a future, as if waiting awhile would have prevented it. The idea is that full recovery is more likely wihout the stress of a troubled M, and that the M is more likely to succeed with full recovery. (Switch the order of those clauses if you like, but the plan is to have both goals achieved.)
Why'd you think the M would end if he stopped going to daily meetings now? Or did I misunderstand...or....well now, let me throw this one out Kassie, but here goes... did you feel the R was threatened by this sponsor, and so you helped undermine him to your h?
Some interesting things happen when people recover, and their M's issues surface, and sometimes the problems "ain't all about the drinking"... (People like my mother do not want to hear that. She wanted it ALL to be about my dad's drinking. My father was a highly functioning alcoholic with a lot of formal education but few stress coping tools...and my mother was conflict avoidant so it was a volatile mix with each wanting to make the other "wrong" even when they were loving...)
Kassie let me toss this one out too... I am wondering if you should just stay out of his R's with sponsors....why is it something you are involved with? Just curious but maybe you can ask your c or your Al Anon people what they think about you "voting" or supporting, or encouraging or saying anything to your h, about his sponsor. It's his recovery. Not yours. I know, I know. It's hard. But I think this is what is called enabling and co-dependency isn't it?
Just some food for thought. (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Kass you have shown us either way you will be fine.
Did your H find a new sponsor? I would say if he doesn't get along with this one then maybe there is a slight pattern
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Kassie I'm working on a post about the whole sponsor, ect...I just don't want you to think I forgot about you...I just want to make sure it makes sense.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
My comment was intended to mean that w/o sobriety there will be no M to work on. My concern was related to him continuing to be involved with AA. I want him to do what he needs to do in order to maintain his sobriety. I am not going anywhere, so time is all we have. It is H that doesn't want to waste anymore time apart. Right now we are seeing each other on the weekends.
I was not threatened by the sponsor, I can't speak for H, but I did know that H wanted to move back in with me and knew sponsor would not support it b/c of the one year rule.
I did not undermine the R, I supported it, H made the choices to not do everything the guy said after discussing it with his therapist and talking to several people in AA. I am only involved because H likes to talk about what he is learning from the meetings and talks with others. He talks on the phone in front of me so I hear everything going on =that is just the way he is.
In our M there were two issues, I didn't like how he treated me b/c of the drinking, and he didn't like living with my adult children. We agree on everything else, or at least have no problem compromising. He is willing to live with the children, but not necessary b/c one is moving out and the other goes away to college. So as long as he doesn't drink, we are fine but then that is a given.
I am not saying that H doesn't have other problems which is why he is in therapy. I will join in MC when the IC says that H is ready. Right now what comes up is the bad memories and we are talking through those sitches pretty well. There is a lot of appreciation going on both parts. I am encouraged by how happy he is and how much he enjoys life. He is developing empathy for others which is changing his responses to those close to us. He has the ability to understand things in ways he never had before. I call these things positive growth and change. Even a bad day is now a good day for him. The only negative feelings he is confronted with is remorse over past actions.
SO2 and V, Thanks for sharing. H wants to start attending meetings on the weekends where I live and find a sponsor there since this is where he will be living.
