Ya, I've been wondering if I should bring it up again to my H before he goes completely off the deep end. But, it seems like it is good to put it out there once and optimal if they express interest (like in both SP's and Thinker's sitches).
Find a way to throw it out there without pressure - just so they know that it exists and that you would (probably ) be interested in going.
Then later, if they are under stress and thinking about maybe trying to work on the M, they will remember and ask.
The advice someone gave me a while ago re Retro. is that it works, but only works if both parties are willing and open. Don't try to force it. If one is under duress, then...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Met with a divorce lawyer just now, and thought I would post a summary. The information that I posted previously regarding D in NJ was wrong - the laws have changed.
(Just a note for the people following my sitch: This is not a big change in my sitch. I don't need a L right now. My W is not filing (yet). Even though they were really nice, I hope to never talk to the L again. My purpose in talking with the L is that knowledge is power and the more you understand something, the less you fear it. I feel much more comfortable now, and am now going to focus on busting the D.)
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- There is no "No fault" but Irreconcilable differences is allowed as a fault. This essentially means "No Fault"
- There is no difference in the settlement based on the fault, so it doesn't really matter. You can contest the fault claim, but it is a question of how much dirty laundry you want to air.
- Separation has no legal status in NJ. Advice from the L is DON'T DO IT; STAY IN YOUR HOME. Couples live together right up until the D.
- If the WAS want's to "Separate" they can leave. In that case the LBS could be required to pay pre-divorce spousal support. The WAS, however, can not just move out and take the children. Unless the LBS agrees, the children have to stay in the family home until the D is final. (Taking them otherwise would be considered kidnapping)
- Joint custody with 50/50 (or as close to it as possible) time sharing is the norm IF the two spouses continue to live close enough that the kids can attend the same school, etc.
- Assets are split 50/50 based on the total value of the assets accumulated DURING the M.
- Child support is a formula - no real discussions or negotiations.
- Alimony is normally based on 1/3 of the difference between the higher earning spouses salary and the lower earning spouses salary. If one spouse is not working or is under employed, then the court assigns an "Imputed Income" based on the qualifications of that spouse and this is used in the calculation. Duration of Alimony is normally 1/2 of the duration of the M.
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Basically for my sitch, this shows me that D is manageable and survivable.
Although I get no pleasure in focusing on it, it also shows me that a post D life for my W would be very far from the the fantasy she has had in mind and my fears (and her threats) of taking the kids and leaving etc. are legally unfounded.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/22/0908:47 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Just for info. mentioning Retro can be done in a way as to suggest to the S who wants to end the M that it might help give you both the tools to end the M in a constructive, controlled manor, as opposed to being malicious and nasty, (Ie you may save on L fees). It teaches one great skills of interaction. Of course, the whole idea is that once you get there you remember what it is you love about each other and your life together....but as a ruse to get the wayward spouse there in the first place it sometimes works....
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thinker - I just joined this forum but our situations are very similar. My W acts just like yours and wants a S/D. However, the difference between us is that I ahve confirmed that she has had an EA for 6 months. She ended it once but recently drifted back. I am going to post my story on the forum later when I have time.
However, I wanted to highly recommend Retrouvaille - do whatever you can to get your W to go. We tried it but she had an OM, which made it not very effective for us, but I got a LOT out of it personally. In your situation where there is no OM actively involved it could work wonders, but it is more than a weekend. It requires 8 weeks of post-sessions on Saturdays (in my area anyway) where a lot of the real healing occurs.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Retrouvaille is a wonderful experience. Yes, I'd recommend it even with a maybe EA/PA. But they will call before you go and ask if you are going with an open mind and a willing heart, and if any third parties are involved. If both spouses don't say yes to open mind/willing heart and no third parties, they don't encourage you to go. This is because there are so many unhappy marriages around. And they can only help about 20-30 couples at each weekend. If a couple is not open to reconciliation, they would rather have a more willing couple. The weekend is facilitation, not brain-washing.
Ya, I just wonder in my sitch if it is better before he is really enmeshed with someone else...I think he is interested in someone right now. I really don't have a way to get to the bottom of it, I mean he is acting like a single guy but keeps backing off of having a GF...but then, liars do lie sometimes.
The New Beginnings workshop actually accepts couples regardless but it is too much $$.
) be interested in going.