I was scanning through some of the newcomers posts and your's caught my eye.
You are getting excellent advice. ABSOLUTELY listen to PDT. The advice he gives is wonderful and very to the point.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Your H sounds like he is in a very confusing and dark place. What you said about the blowout with his parents sounds like it was a major catalyst for your sitch. Minor issues prior to that probably became way overblown in his head and this is how it came out. Without IC I don't know how he is going to find his way back. The only advice I can give on that is to stay the course you are on.
1)Don't rise to the bait when he picks at you and makes snide comments.
2)Get back in focus on the woman you were when you first met. What has changed about you? What pieces of yourself have you put on a shelf and lost? Trust me....there are some. We all do it while we conform to our M's. Maybe you need to reconnect with some of those things.
3)Do you have a hobby? A group of friends you do activities with? If not..............GET SOME!
4)Definitely be mysterious. That doesn't mean making excuses to be out just to be mysterious. That means not telling him where you are going, who you are going with or when you will be back. You are not required to answer to him just like he isn't required to answer to you for his time.
Loving detachment....absolutely.
I know you are probably looking at my signature line now and thinking "She's blowing smoke. She's D'd now so she was clueless and didn't do it right." You are right in one respect. I am D'd now. It's not what I wanted but it came to a point where that was necessary for a lot of reasons I won't go into. I am a DB success story though. I found the woman I used to be. I found the 'girl' I once was and had lost through nearly 20 years of conforming myself to what I thought my H wanted from me only to find in the end that it was never going to be enough.
You will be a success because you will come out of this a stronger, more assured woman. If that means that your M is saved in the process, more's the better.
Take care of you Ashlee!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Take it a step further, what would the result be if you contacted OW's H? Would he confront OW and beg her to leave your H alone and she magically would and your H would go back to his normal self? The likelihood of that is small. He has to be noticing the same things you and S are. The short term satisfaction would not be worth the anger you will unleash in H towards you. Is this fair, of course not, but you are doing what is good for your M, not theirs.
I agree IC would do H wonders, but until he sees that for himself, I don't know what good it would do. He has to realize it to some point if he is taking internet drugs for depression.
One of the DB things was setting goals. So, what are your goals? This small step sounds stupid, but if you stop before you act and ask yourself if your actions are leading you towards your goal or away, it can affect your actions. I remember Ellie used to keep index cards in her pocket with some DB principles and refer to them during the day.
And I love the cheeseless tunnel analogies. What you have done in the past hasn't always worked, change things around, try new things. But first, read the part on goals and set some! Put them in writing, this is a great place to keep track of what you are doing and have friends to keep you accountable.
Thanks to all of you for the support. I am still stuck on contacting the OW's H...I do agree he has a right to know but I also know my H will flip.
Mishka - I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and responding. I am doing well on not rising to the bait thus far. You are 100% right on finding the person I was before. Many parts of her were lost along the way. Some I have recovered but there are still pieces to find. I need to work on the hobby bit, been mulling it over to figure out what I would like to do. I think I can pull off the mysterious stuff, my first go round will be this coming weekend.
Gardener - to answer your question about today, it was good until 5pm when I spoke with S. S indicated H was not home. It is H's day off but he was working his 2nd job (landscape stuff - makes his own hours). S said H left late because he was talking to OW. I called H who said he was still at job. I indicated I was working late and would be another hour. H said I never told him. I said S knew. I expressed my concern for S being home alone on H's days off. H replied he had his 2nd job last summer. I indicated there needs to be more supervision of S when he is off. H said - Yeah, S should be in a camp. H did not work this much last summer. As I indicated in an earlier post - H spends NO time with S and takes NO RESPONSIBILITY. (I am sending S to my parents' house this Friday as a result). S texts at 5:30pm to say H home and talking on phone with OW. Needless to say I am ticked off! I get home and H is in car, getting ready to go pick up dinner (supposedly - still not back and place is 5 minutes away). H says to me "Hi love. How are you?" WTF? PSYCHO!
Okay, need to know what ya'll think of this. Next time H wants to have sex, I am going to tell him No - not until OW is out of his life. Is that the right thing to do?????
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
well, it is the right thing to do if u truly feel that way. alot of people continue to have sex ( i am one of those) and alot of people cut it off when their spouses are having an affair.
every situation is different...
and, if u say it, u have to stick to it. because if u dont, he will never take u seriously...
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I know you are probably looking at my signature line now and thinking "She's blowing smoke. She's D'd now so she was clueless and didn't do it right." You are right in one respect. I am D'd now. It's not what I wanted but it came to a point where that was necessary for a lot of reasons I won't go into. I am a DB success story though. I found the woman I used to be. I found the 'girl' I once was and had lost through nearly 20 years of conforming myself to what I thought my H wanted from me only to find in the end that it was never going to be enough.
Mishka - Just so you know I would not view you as 'blowing smoke.' From what you have written, I do think you are a success story and it's nice to hear from someone who didn't save their M but still came out a winner. When I get some time, I will read your thread(s).
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Thanks to all of you for the support. I am still stuck on contacting the OW's H...I do agree he has a right to know but I also know my H will flip.
For a day or two, yes -- maybe a week. But they get over it. Ask anyone else on here who has exposed; their bluster blows over quickly.
Is it magic? No. But it CAN be very effective. In my experience, it is a minority of men who will give up their marriage when the chit hits the fan. Most of them go running back to their wives, their tail between their legs.
Okay, need to know what ya'll think of this. Next time H wants to have sex, I am going to tell him No - not until OW is out of his life. Is that the right thing to do?????
It is if that is a boundary of personal integrity for you. It's an intensely personal decision, but the medical risks alone, I would think, would make it questionable at best. I'm a guy tho. Most WOMEN say, "How do you feel about it after you do it?" If you feel used, then it's probably not emotionally healthy for you. If you feel like you are just two adults, having some fun with no strings attached (after all, you ARE married), then some people can pull it off.
Other than the medical risks (there are threads on the forums RIGHT NOW about STDs, sadly), my concern would be that you wouldn't be able to sufficiently emotionally detach if you ML with him. It muddles up your thinking.
Okay, need to know what ya'll think of this. Next time H wants to have sex, I am going to tell him No - not until OW is out of his life. Is that the right thing to do?????
YES!!
H talks to OW within earshot of S?!? I think H should be told that S has boundaries that should be respected. What kind of man does he think he'll raise with that in-your-face behavior?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Told H boundaries had to be set and to not talk to 'her' around S. I said it does not set a good example for S. H shook his head, sighed, and said "Whatever!" Now he's acting like a 3 year old in a temper tantrum, making sure he does not "brush" me as we walked past each other, shutting doors forcefully etc...
Okay, my dear friends, did I make a mistake in what I said?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Most WOMEN say, "How do you feel about it after you do it?" If you feel used, then it's probably not emotionally healthy for you. If you feel like you are just two adults, having some fun with no strings attached (after all, you ARE married), then some people can pull it off.
