total quarter life mlc

[kissak]

All I can really say is that every time things have turned around in my situation it's been when I started caring more about me than him.

Seems the same way for me too...just didnt know how to word it. Well said.

[mdoodles]

thats what i have to do, regardless.

however, it seems in my situation, overall, what i do or dont do doesnt really matter.

when he wanted me, which was all year, what i said or did didnt matter.

i guess now i have to play it cool, but not too cool.

its a hard situation.

in the beginning i let go, didnt call, text, email, nothing. no questions.

and it only allowed their relationship to flourish.

so i always think of that, and dont want to pull back too much.

[Sanderika]

mdoodles,

In my sitch the OW knows about me but does not know the magnitude of the R between myself and H. She does not know we are still intimate and have been throughout her entire R with him. She isn't the brightest crayon in the box. She is however mean as a snake.

Here the OW rides H steady for a D from me and M to her. She hasn't been able to get H to move in with her and to me that speaks volumns. She wants him D so bad that she filed D papers on his behalf last fall and had me served on my B-Day! I refused the package and she then worked him over and over and I signed them on Oct. 3rd. to be done with the drama.

I have never made contact with her. She on the other hand seems to be so threatened by me that she leaves me cell messages and once came to my home and told me to stay away from her boyfriend. This was on Nov. 7, 2006. It was a very bad evening. It is too painful for me to tell about, one day I will.

These women are out for one thing and that is a meal-ticket. Regardless of the financial situation at hand they are looking for someone to support them and theirs. Most of them have been down this road before as well. In my sitch OW is D (twice) and got huge settlements in both.

Our H's don't want to marry them and that is when they come running back. That's when they figure out the grass is pretty darn green right here. As the OW become comfortable in their R they let their true colors show and that is the side of them our H's don't like and eventually H will leave for good.

mdoodles....IMO when H calls you, you talk to him. You act upbeat and kind. I have done this so many times. Remember it is my changed good behavior toward H that has kept him from leaving for good. I also am able to listen and not command the conversation. I offer a comeback when I feel I have something valuable to add. I do not ramble about myself or son. ALSO, these guys are in MLC and it is all about them. In their "ME WORLD" they are looking for sympathy and validation and compassion to whatever it is they have on their mind and need to discuss with us. Give it to them. Getting them back will only happen by nurturing their needs and caressing their egos.

When my H calls here he doesn't want to talk to my son, he wants to talk to me. I am feeling the same of your H.

Sounds like being a door mat, huh? IMO this is what works. We have to become the OW. We have to meet their needs in many ways. We have to become the women they want.

The bahavior must be constant at all times. Do not let him see even one side of you he finds unattractive. They are always looking for a route out of town. They are always looking for a way to blame and say I told you so. DO NOT GIVE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY. BE THE ONE HE WANTS. It's very hard but I am proof it can be done. I practice what I preach. I have never worked so hard for anything in my life. I think my H and M is worth it so I work hard to keep it going.

If he calls you, it's a good thing!!! It may not seem like it matters, it must or he wouldn't call you. This is where perserverance and patience come into play. Girl, you need to grow strong and muster everything you've got and more. This is really hard work. Once you achieve a place where you are content with your behavior toward H and H is responding (albeit it will be baby steps) don't stop....Maintain, Maintain, Maintain. REMEMBER, your H is always watching you. He watches your appearance and moods very carefully. Even when you think he's not, he is. My H has confessed this. It is true for all MLC men who are on the fence.

I also know at first they think we are putting on an act. It is through constant maintained moods and behaviors that they begin to believe the changes are real and true.

Keep your chin up and come up with a plan you can put into action right away. Don't be quick to get discouraged, this will take some time.

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

ok, i am down with your thinking!

if u only saw the way i march around the house when i know he is watching. i got the cutest little sleep shorts from vs last week, he was all over it. and i have totally perfected my bending down to pick something up. he was stopped in his tracks for a good 10 min. did not move from behind me...

that being said, i have had him home and gone, home and gone...

this time is pretty severe, because of finances.

our business is now closed. he left an extremely high paying job for the business. i am a stay at home mom...

he is out of a job and im rather concerned where he will work. my home is in foreclosure, i am needing to move by sept 1.

how does one afford an apt? dont know.

i dusted off my resume and im looking around, but really, im not the breadwinner. i will work while my son is at school, but it will not provide the way h always did.

he will get a job, but who knows what i will be seeing from it.

this is where it gets sticky. i dont have the time, or money, to keep waiting for him.

i dont want to proceed legally, but financially i may have to. not sure yet.

im trying to wait it out.

[Sanderika]

mdoodles,

My son is very hurt. He was 9 when H left us. He feels totally neglected and abandoned by his father. My H has only recently (in the past 4 months shown an interest in son). The MLC tears them so far away from their families and it is such a shame. The ones who end up hurt the most are the kids.

My son is in therapy. He tells people he hates him and has no use for him. My son has become very comfortable with only me around, he has said he actually doesn't care if his dad comes back or not. This makes me cry. Yesterday I cried.

I do not believe that this cannot be fixed. If H were to come back and become even half a dad, son would respond in a more positive way. It needs to happen as soon as possible. H has been gone for 46 months and time is wasting. Son is now a teenager and his interests naturally will divert away from his family. H needs to get on board or he will lose son. At this point they don't really even know each other anymore. They both have a lot of work to do.

At my demands, son is always polite and engaging with his dad. I have told son that regardless of the circumstances right now I will not tolerate any disrespect. Down the road, when he is on his own he may behave as he chooses. Right now he understands, we talk a lot. I have worked very hard to be both mom and dad. I had "the talk" with son. Yesterday I took him indoor go-karting. I try really hard to fill the void.

It's so darn hard. I only had sisters and I have no real connections to 13 year old boys. I am doing the best I can. So far, from what people tell me, I am doing a good job. Like I said before, I want H to Man-Up to his responsibilities. This guy has only one son. AND he's a son!!!! OMG, it just tears me apart.

Snodderly once wrote to a poster....Men reconnect back to their children first and then back to their wives before coming back home. I hope the attention H has given to son of late is a good sign.

Your son is 5. He must have very little memory of daddy being at home full time. I wish that had been the case for mine. Unfortunately my son will never forget this time in his life. This is the one thing that I could hate H for. The damage to son is hard to forgive.

We need to protect them. They are only little for a short while. Kids are meant to have childhoods that are carefree and loving and playful. My son knows different and in a way he has grown up much too fast. I hate that.

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

it is so sad. im sure u are doing a great job for your son, im so sure of it...

it is sad for me to know my son has no clue what life was like when he was little, what a nice family we had. he sees it in pictures, he sees that our house was where the whole family gathered, we were always hosting dinners and parties and bbqs here.

he is used to having me around for him all of the time, and daddy being "at work". however, when h has been home and left again, i think he notices and then readjusts as if he were never here.

i have not told him yet that our new store closed. it was so nice that my son was seeing his dad every morning, every night and able to go to the store during the day after school and on weekends. now that is gone too.

he asks h every day on the phone when he will be home. he thinks he just works late and leaves early. he tells him what to bring home for dinner, because so recently he was home every night and bringing him things.

that is what kills me. how do u keep leaving your little boy? i dont get it.

i dont get anything.

[mdoodles]

h just called again, weird for him, especially of late.

he wanted to ask my son a question, i take that as an excuse to call...

[Sanderika]

Good for you getting all sexy for him. He likes what he is seeing for sure and besides it's fun!!! I would keep it up.
Ramp it up even!!

Are you sure the business has to close? Can you get some help from family and friends to keep it going a while longer and gain some more time for the creative juices to flow to come up with some sales and advertising ideas to drum up more business?

It took us (no kidding) 17 years building our company until it reached a point we knew we would make it no matter what.

My finances are rough. We are financially in a good place, but H filed for a D back in Oct. The courts have jurisdiction over our assets now. H cut off all funds to son and I last July because OW wanted him too. I have a part-time job that pays me take home $247 per week. It's not enough to support two people. My home is paid for. I cannot afford to stay here if we D. It will be too expensive for me to maintain alone. I love my home and so does son. He has only lived here. I do not want to have to leave it.

At this point in time, I am in limbo. I look for other jobs, there aren't really any here for me. I worked with H at our company until March of 2008 (25 years). OW forced H to force me out. She was very threatened by us working together. Little does she know. I still do things from here only I don't get paid. She wormed her way right into the company. She is writing all checks and doing whatever else she can convince H she is good for. Not one of H's brightest business decisions. He knows it now and there is only one way to get her out. That would require him to leave her and come home, MLC land still has it's grip on him.

We are just beginning to talk, it's a tough spot to be in for sure. We can keep talking, perhaps there is a way out. Come up with an idea, talk to people close to you. Someone might be willing to help out. Your son is 5, daycare is expensive. Can someone help out with watching him to ease your financial burden once you find some work? Your H sounds like a smart guy, finding a new job might not be that tough for him if he is motivated.

I don't know, just throwing out some thoughts....

Will stay in touch.....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

If H is calling to ask son a question, it's an excuse. I completely agree with you. Your son is 5.

H was checking up on you as usual. IMO, he wanted to make sure you are home.

Let him keep calling. Don't you call/contact him at all for anything (unless son is hurt real bad or something of the like).

Last May my son broke his arm. I called H on the way to the hospital. Otherwise H never hears from me.

[mdoodles]

i dont usually call him, ever. he always does the calling.

when he was living at home, i did call, but he did more of the calling.

yeah, i think his calling was an excuse, he asked my son something about a ds game.

if he was totally annoyed with me, regarding yesterday and our conversation earlier, he would not have made the call about a ds game. he had already spoken to our son 2 times this afternoon.

i hate this. why does this nasty ow even want him?

he has no job, no money, a wife, a son and a life of lies with her? and she knows it already...so why hold on?