Yes her time is accounted for. She still wants to get back with her husband believe it or not. Supposedly he's moving back in when his lease is up but she said she may move out then. He's trying to force her to file for divorce so he won't have to look like the bad buy. It's all about appearances for him!
I've done a lot of thinking this weekend. I've replayed some of his comments to me from the other day:
1) He feels like his business and his marriage caused his health problems (two heart attacks, skin problems, hip replacement at 47). Seems like everything is an attack at me - how I've wronged him. What about how he didn't eat right and smoked?
2) He's tired of hearing the excuse that I checked out. Oh yeah and in a very sarcastic tone - "because you were mentally abused as a child."
3) Because of all he's had to go through with his health he's earned the right to not have to work a 40 hour week.
4) He feels like we're going backwards instead of forwards.
He is playing the victim. It's always the blame game. He never looks at himself. His anger and bitterness are so powerfully strong towards me I just don't know if we'll ever be able to work things out.
He's really becoming a sad, pathetic person - who I really don't like very much right now.
I guess I'm losing my hope. However, I think tonight my anxiety level has been the best it's been for a long time.
We'll see how he is when he gets home from the lake tomorrow night.
I bought the book the counselor recommended: Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. I plan on reading it tonight. I'll let you know if it turns out to be a good resource.
H got home from the lake last night and asked to talk to me. Long story short - He had written down a list of a dozen or so things he needed to get off his chest. The big announcement was that he said he will not be going back to counseling anymore because he said it's not helping - one of us usually leaves extremely angry (which is true here lately). I've made the decision to continue on my own. I can only work on myself and either he'll respond to changes in me or he won't.
He also said the only reason he came back home was because it was Father's Day and he wanted to see the boys. He had prepared to stay down at the lake for a week and I guess he'd just run his business from there?
We actually had the best conversation we've had in a long time. I yet again took ownership for my part of the problem. Not sure he's really doing that. I basically told him that I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror and I couldn't be that person any more. I have made improvements and continue to do so - in order to have a happy life.
At this point I'm moving on. If he wants to be with me great, if not I'll be just fine. He still wants to ML so I'm not buying that there's no connection at all between us.
By the way the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry CLoud & Dr. John Townsend is excellent! I've only read the first three chapters and I've already learned a great deal - especially about myself. I highly recommend it. You should know that it is written from a Christian perspective.
I'm sure at some point with my own growth & development I may come to the conclusion that the marriage can't be saved. I'm not there yet. I can only control my own behavior and that's what I'm going to focus on. I let him know I'm expect to see changes in him as well. We'll see what happens...
H got home from the lake last night and asked to talk to me. Long story short - He had written down a list of a dozen or so things he needed to get off his chest. The big announcement was that he said he will not be going back to counseling anymore because he said it's not helping - one of us usually leaves extremely angry (which is true here lately). I've made the decision to continue on my own. I can only work on myself and either he'll respond to changes in me or he won't.
He also said the only reason he came back home was because it was Father's Day and he wanted to see the boys. He had prepared to stay down at the lake for a week and I guess he'd just run his business from there?
We actually had the best conversation we've had in a long time. I yet again took ownership for my part of the problem. Not sure he's really doing that. I basically told him that I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror and I couldn't be that person any more. I have made improvements and continue to do so - in order to have a happy life.
At this point I'm moving on. If he wants to be with me great, if not I'll be just fine. He still wants to ML so I'm not buying that there's no connection at all between us.
By the way the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry CLoud & Dr. John Townsend is excellent! I've only read the first three chapters and I've already learned a great deal - especially about myself. I highly recommend it. You should know that it is written from a Christian perspective.
I'm sure at some point with my own growth & development I may come to the conclusion that the marriage can't be saved. I'm not there yet. I can only control my own behavior and that's what I'm going to focus on. I let him know I'm expect to see changes in him as well. We'll see what happens...
Puppy Dog Tails, Gucci Loafer, Sandi2 - if you have time please read my post from yesterday as well as today. Could use some more of your wise counsel.
Last weekend when I was at the lake I finally bought something for myself without feeling guilty. My H actually looked at the credit card bill and gave me trouble about it last night. He's the one that's always said I should be able to buy something if I want. I told him that and he said I know but we have enough debt right now etc.
He also asked me yesterday to see what finance rates are right now to see if we could refinance the house at a lower rate.
So of course now I'm thinking he's trying to find a way to get money in the budget so he can move out. It's financially impossible right now.
How do I keep myself from analyzing everything? Which of course was one of his complaints on his list he went over with me Sunday night.
I guess I really don't see how this can possibly how our marriage can be repaired if I'm the only one going to counseling.
I would tell him "considering where the economy is and where our marriage is at right now, I don't think it's a good time to be adding any to our principal balance of our mortgage right now," and wash your hands of it. I think the man is foggy and wayward, and you shouldn't do anything to enable his fog.
I bought a coach purse and a wallet at the outlet mall - with an extra 20% off. $200. Now keep in mind - he's bought guns and a $300 bow for hunting. A new motorcycle but of course he would argue his business makes the payments. He always seems to come up with money for something he wants. He said to me last night what if I went out and bought a $200 fishing rod? I wanted to say you've bought all kinds of stuff in the past. I just said I wouldn't have a problem with it because neither one of us are spend thrifts. I told him it was for my birthday that the boys can just give me a card.
What do you think about him quitting counseling - saying that one of us (mostly him) walks away angry and he's not getting anything out of it? He feels he knows how to commuicate. He just needs to make up his mind whether or not he's going to commit to work things out.
Oh yes, and we had to go through a written list of things he wanted to get off his chest yet again. I told him I know it will take time for him to work through his anger and bitterness and that I think consistent positive changes in BOTH our behavior is what will help us both work through our issues.
Of course at the end of the conversation he tells me that he still really enjoys S with me and that has continued between us. Oh yeah he talked about what he'd like to see differently about our relationship. Of course I had to ask to see if he wanted to hear what I wanted.
He's goes from being angry and withdrawn to friendly - like last night laying in bed he kept talking to me about what he was watching on TV. I still think he doesn't really know what he wants. He's said he's been out on the Internet researching divorce. When's the right time the right way to do it and there are no good answers out there. I still think he's afraid of making a decision he'll regret. I guess because of this MLC he's in he's just one mixed up person.
All I know is that I cannot be the only person making positive changes in this relationship. I'm hoping he'll respond to the postive changes I'm making. I realize the only person's behavior I can change is my own.
I'd suggest setting an INTERNAL time limit for yourself. Something in between 3 months and one year. Whatever you think you can handle and be able to say "I gave it my best shot."
Do not communicate this deadline to him.
Many people find that just having an end-date in sight helps them be more patient.
