Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

I messed up. I had emailed my H asking yet again, if he could please go to this Imago Relationship Therapy workshop with me, because after all, I have been following his crazy request to ignore him and not speak to him although we are living in the same house, for weeks and weeks now (3 months total thus far). He didn't respond to me via email, so I asked him face to face late last night.

Again, he's refusing to go, and po'd that I think he "owes" me anything, considering all the money he's put towards me.. (not really that much actually). To him, as cold as it sounds, it all seems about $. So I told him then that my time of being quiet around the house and ignoring him is over. I don't know what a good 180 would be here, but probably just saying hi and bye and stuff, and sounding cheerful, calm and relaxed, and not going into it from there. If you have more feedback on other 180 options in this strange situation, they'd be appreciated.

So we started talking and arguing and he got all riled up, which he hasn't been for a long time. While I like the fact he is showing emotion, obviously I don't want him mad and angry like he was.

He is telling me now that his attorney says that mediation is not the best way to go for him. Duh! I told him that the attorney would say this, because the attny isn't licensed for mediation, so instead he wants to go the most expensive route, a court trial.

Then we got some interesting info out on the table. He says that if I make this divorce fast and easy, he'll give me, get this...first months rent for an apartment, and a security deposit, yup, maybe $1,200! I laughed at that one and said "I'd have laughed at you for $12,000, much less $1,200!" I can't believe what a fool he is. His attny is telling him nothing, and he refuses to look at the statues explaining what a "Community property" state really is, and how it affects him. Meanwhile, he's spending money hand over fist on expensive bikes for his new triathalon fad, outfits and special glasses and so on.

In this state, his income is half mine, but since I have no access to it because we don't have joint accounts, I just have to sit by and watch him spend spend spend. I've been logging all of this, and I think based on this crappy $1,200 "offer", such a paltry offer that it is, I'm going to be filing papers for immediate maintenance so he will quit flaunting his expenditures in front of me while I try to eek by during this time of my unpaid leave from my job due to marriage stress.

Also, I asked him if his attny told him about a "loophole" for ending this quickly...he said no. Basically, I'm talking about an annulment, and we could do one if he would say that he feels fooled because he thought my income was bigger than it was (despite the fact he NEVER ASKED me what it was). I asked him what he would give me were I to use this loophole, and he said he'd give me the house, and I'd have to start taking over payments July 1st. Now, mind you, I don't begin working again until July 4th, and have no money now, so this is ridiculous. I said so, and he said "ok, August 1st".

I do want the house, but to get it and nothing else, when frankly, since he's only had a few years and it has next to no equity built up and requires tens of 1,000's in upgrades and major repairs is no big help to me. Plus, if I get this new job I've been interviewing for, I could swing the mortgage, but it'd be very tight, whereas it would be super easy were we both to stay married and stay here togehter.

Also, because I do want to save this marriage, getting out fast doesn't really help this because in an annullment, were we to get one, it would be w/o any waiting period, and occur immediatley once a judge signed off on it.

He ruled out the mediation idea, which would be much cheaper than a court trial, and while not as fast as an annulment, much faster than court. I called our MC and asked to see her 1:1 about our marriage so I can ask her "can this marriage be saved" to determine what she thinks...should I end it fast because he's shown not one sign of relenting since he began talking about divorce seriously at the end of last month? Or does she think there is hope in trying, and what the heck should I do?

He mentioned when I talked about the workshop that he would only go "if a judge told him he had to go"...thanks for the idea sweetheart! I plan on adding this request, as well as to attend, comply and communicate during our MC sessions moving forward to my official divorce response, which I am doing with the attorney tomorrow. I hope the judge rules in my favor, frankly, given the short amount of time we've been married, I think they'd be want us to try to work on it first, don't you?

So today I really didn't know what to do to be doing a 180 from the no talk/ignore him phase, but instead of acting all calm and cheerful, I set him off because of what I said and how I said it. I said something about "where do you want me to put your stuff when I move it" because there are only 2 rooms in this house that even show that I live here, my office and a bit, the bedroom. Other rooms don't even have a spec of me in them, because I moved into his house and he's so damn controlling. It took forever just to get the office to be mine instead of a spare room, which we didn't need anyway. Normally, you'd think that we as a couple would go through stuff room by room, but we have not. So, I'm doing this now in retrospect, also, frankly, "marking my territory" like I've done in the yard by planting things, but I would have done that anyways if all was blissful. This set Mr. Controlling & Anxious off big time, and he stormed around for quite a while.

He left an hour or so ago to stay overnight at hotel. Probably better than what he did last night, which was to re - rearrange the kitchen appliances after I changed them at 2 in the morning. I even vacummed and cleaned behind them!

So I've got to:

1) stop enjoying the temporary thrill of pushing his buttons and think long term here
2) think before I say anything, and ask myself if this is for the good of the Rlsp
3)Act cheerful, calm, and nice, not rushed and frantic and harassing
4) act like my normal self, but more mysterious, but otherwise, outgoing and charming as far as greetings and earnest compliments go
5) contiune my job hunting and
6) continue GAL as I've been doing
7) finish charity donation project
8) finsih painting garage 2nd coat project
9) put away the clothes in the baskets of clean laundry in my room
10) put up some art in my office and bedroom
11) clean my office

The good news is that I have some time to do this before I start work again. Thank goodness. I want to have all my ducks in a row before that happens and feel organzied and ready to hit the ground running.

Ok, Mr. Cheapskate has not "allowed me" to turn on the AC and I'm sweating here just typing this in my office at 11:35 pm at night because it's so darn hot in here. I've seen 2 readings this weekend at 80 degrees on our thermostat inside the house, so I'm not kidding, it's roasting. I must open more windows and turn on more fans to get the air circulating more or give up and use the AC. Got to go, thanks for reading this and your wise comments.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

I sent him a quick apology email, just because, for me, that's a 180, cause normally he's the one doing the apology.

He wrote back saying in part:
"I meant what I said, in that I want the best for you and for you to be happy, and for me to have no part in it whatsoever. I want you to leave me alone."

As well as saying that he doesn't want to talk to me, once again....

<deep breath> This whole thing makes me absolutely crazy.

So I'm copying my legal papers for my attorney this afternoon and in his office (my printer doesn't copy things) and lo and behold, I see a credit card statement that shows some expenses...$64 for flowers. I called the local florist and hopefully she will get back to me as far as who this was for, I was hoping it would have been for mothers day, but that was May 10th, and this was May 29th. Well, I guess we will find out who exactly this was for.....I really didn't think he was cheating on me, but maybe he is? Maybe its no one new, it's his ex gf, because he does have her kids birthday party in his planner, and that is a weird thing right there, because why would he go to some kids b-day party unless he's significant in her life?

Agh, I hate thinking this way, but the way he's spending money is crazy, and i intend to get a maintenance going today as well because there is no way I'm going through 12-16 months of a divorce preceedings through court (as opposed to other methods) that doesn't start giving me some cash right now when he is spending money hand over fist. I hate him this moment, for the spending, and the flowers and the damn email. I really do.

A friend asked me if she thought he might hurt himself becase of the anxiety, and I really can't let that worry me anymore because I have informed both his therapist, our MC, and his parents of the level of anxiety and the specific symptons he's experienced, and they and him have to be the next ones to do something because after all, he's not listening to me, so there's nothing I can do anymore. My concience is clear, I let them and him know how concerned I am about him, he is choosing to not get more help, which he desperately needs. I am just worrying about me now, because I can't afford the energey to worry about him, it's cost me far too much.

Oh, my mom stopped by and I gave her a tour of the garden and plantings I've done. She was shocked by how warm it was, and said that I should turn on the A/C. I checked the temperature on the thermostat, and it said 81 degrees, so I closed the windows and turned it on. Plus, it will help us dry out the basement because that got backed up with sewage a few days ago and STILL isn't dry, depsite the fan going 24/7 for days.

[karen43]

Hi! I normally post over in infidelity, but hopefully you won't mind if I post here? I love your GALing list; I think the one suggestion is to maybe add one or 2 GALing activities that are just fun or relaxing or enjoyable for you. Everyone enjoys different stuff, but reading a book, or meeting with friends, or whatever. Trying new fun activities is good and builds your self-confidence.

I would suggest no apology emails. Try to pull back and do only necessary emails, emails to chat or apologize aren't necessary. They just put pursuit/pressure and that doesn't help you at all. The financial stuff worries me. My H is like that too. One day he was yelling at me and the kids for leaving the light on in the bathroom. That same day I got a over $100 hotel bill he had charged for he and OW on a weekend trip. Crazy!!! Have you talked to an L about doing temporary support or something??? Karen

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Update: Yesterday I found some information out that rocked my world. My husband charged a bike for $1,500 just days after my birthday and giving me the same flowers he got for me for Valentines Day. I've talked to 4 attornies int he past 2 days and 3 out of 4 of them say it's ridiculous spending, especially because this is only the tip of the iceberg, the other one says "he can spend what he wants to, it's his money"...well no, it's not HIS money alone in this state...needless to say, I will not be working with that attorney because she was negative about that as well as my chances for getting anything at all out of this. I don't need someone who's given up before we even start, I need an advocate, someone who gives a damn and "gets it". I think I found her today, another attorney who was a referral from my friend who used her services.

I was told yesterday that I can no longer use my ex bf as an attorney cause apparently he wants to pursue our relationship once again, and it would be a conflict of interest. I was peeved he didn't let me know sooner, but whatever.

I called one of his recommendations, and she was TOTALLY negative, like I don't deserve a dime. Well sister, I don't friggen deserve this divorce, either, but I've got it, lucky me! She's not getting my business.

I did talk to one attorney who seems decent and we have plans to meet tomorrow. Unfortunatley, she sees no way that I can possibly get the house awarded to me, which I see as totally ridiculous because I get the loss on it but don't get to share in the gain in his house?? WTF? At least she says she thinks I can get some $ now because of his extravagant lifestyle that he's flaunting in front of me. I liked her, plus she's got a lot of experience in divorce law.

<Sigh> I'm so sick of talking about divorce and attornies today. Mostly, I'm sick of people telling me that I don't deserve a gd thing for all this hell that he's putting me through. I wish to god this was a fault state cause I'd so nail him for this "code of silence" bs he's been pulling. It's in a nolo.com law book I read and describes his behavior to a t.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Karen43

Thanks for your post. You are right as far as the apology email probably being superfluous, and hence not part of LRT or a 180.

I agree with you about GAL activities. In fact, I'm doing one tongiht, attending a movie (for free, got a pass) with a new group of people that I don't know yet from my local meetup.com's movie group! I actually met a really cool woman there that now I'm very close with years ago, but haven't gone to too many things otherwise with the group. It's a good way to get out of your comfort zone and see new stuff and try new things.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Gardener:

Hello. You will be happy to know that I "lawyer shopped" today. And I found quite a range of opinions and so on. So, no, I am not going with the ex bf to represent me. I was just consulting him about filing in the response form anyways, I had planned (and hoped) that we would both use mediation to settle this in the most inexpensive way possible, but my H is not biting on the mediation, despite the fact he said he wanted to do this in an efficient manner early on. I was supposed to meet with a referred attorney tomorrow, but the referrer just gave me good reason to wait a bit. I have one more referral atty to check out and I hope I really like them and that they give me hope. So many atty's today were telling me that I had to "compromise" and "be realistic" about what I want...I want my husband married to me in our house...that's what I want. Short of that, what I want is the house...he has little to NO equity in it, I just don't want to move yet again and I gave up both my name and my condo for this marriage, it's time he gives up something as well if he wants this divorce so badly!

One attorney really was negative, she made me feel like I was being a greedy b*tch by wanting anything and saying "oh, well with a marriage that short, you're not going to get anything". Needless to say, she will not be getting my business. Like it's MY FAULT how long this marriage lasted or didn't last...I wasn't planning on it being over 3 months ago when he started not talking to me! She was going in from a position of "you've already lost" , which is not what I'm looking from from an attorney at all, plus she kept pressuring me to move out, which didn't seem to make much sense to me.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

When my ex bf told me that it would inappropriate to represent me on Monday as my attny, I said "let's go have dinner or something" because it was around dinnertime. He was practically running out the door saying he had to go meet some people in a group he's in. So we set a time for Wednesday, today.

Last night we talked on the phone for 2 hours. We had a lot to catch up on. He is making strong, obvious hints that he is definately still interested in me, and dating and possibly even more. It's weird, because normally I try to save talks like this for dates or something, but I just was talking to him like he was a friend and it was different for us and very cool. I have seen a different side of him on these phone calls, compassionate, emphathetic and very sweet. It seems he has matured a bit as far as that stuff goes since we last dated 2 years ago.

Once again, I cried when talking about my H, so my goal for tongihts dinner was casual talk, no talk of the H, the D, or asking anything legal, but just fun, light stuff.

Gizmo said on the phone he was getting angry that my H won't even look at me when we're in the house together saying that it's really cruel and mean of him and that maybe I should come stay at his house while this stuff is going down (the D). He was half joking at this, and I took it as such. I liked that he was getting angry about it because it's true, it is extremely crappy to be ignored and it's nice having someone stand up for me (for once, it feels like).

Anyways, it's been so darn hot around here that he took a few seconds during the call to adjust some fans. "No central A/C"? I said, "nope, no way I'm moving in". "How do you think your H would take it if you said your bf is moving in to YOUR place because you do have central Air?" he said jokingly.

Needless to say I was definately looking forward to meeting with him and some cuddling and kissing, which I haven't gotten in eons. I'm not intersted in dating other people or kissing them at all, it just feels like it would be really natural to do so with him because we did so years ago, and he and I definately have the same chemistry and spark both in person and on the phone.

This whole dating arena, never one of my favorite things to begin with, is now fraught with a whole new set of rules and baggage and guilt because of my marriage and upcoming divorce (since he (H) has not budged one iota and in fact is getting more and more entrenched in his hard line position). And frankly, since I'm not planning on dating just anybody, just Gizmo for now to see what develops, I'm not going to really worry about it because I have so many other things to worry about.

We were supposed to meet to talk and eat at 5:30. At 4:45 he called my cell and left a message (I didn't hear it for some reason) and says that it's too hot to go anywhere and he might want to get together later on tonight. Now mind you, today was really, really hot, a heat advisory in fact. But we're not 65 years old nor planning on hiking the amazon, we're just going to get something to eat at an AC restaurant. So I was more than a little disapointed, plus mad when he didn't pick up his cell phone when I called back 10 minutes after he called to cancel.

He finally called at 10:30 pm saying he was too hot and had a really busy day and was cranky, which I totally understand given this crazy heat. On the phone he told me briefly about his day and then asked me out for Friday night to go to a festival. I usually don't like going to this festival because it's so crowded, but it will be fun going with somebody.

This (cancelling date) is the same kind of crap I dealt with when we were going out though, and I hate it, which is why my dependable H was so damn attractive to me. I don't have time for a HS rlsp, I want someone who is an adult and who will give and expect the same sorts of thing back.

Now I feel really stupid, yet again, to tell my friend that nope, we didn't have a date after all, after I was really looking forward to it, especially after the phone call last night. My friend even said that she thinks my H might be my rebound from Gizmo after all, becasue I did care for Giz a lot but he repeatedly jerked me around - exactly like this, and I couldn't take going from hot and cold constantly.

I really don't think my H was a rebound at all, we had a really long, slow start to our rlsp and took our time with that stuff, which I'm really still proud about, and then I fell for him over time. He fell for me before I did for him. I wasn't attracted to him physically for awhiel because he's not my typicaly body type. I like broad shouldered men who could have played hs football or wrestling or somethng. He is just one inch taller than I am and very small but wiry man.

I'm going to let Giz know that this undependability is particularliy loathsome and unacceptable now when we get together on Friday because seriously, I've got enough BS in my life right now that I am not going to voluntarily add more cause my plate is already buckling from the load! I've got to think how to get this across effectively without being too preachy or demanding a ton of commitment from him now. That's not what I want, I just want him to know if we are going to date and go out, he'd better follow through because I have enough jerks in my life right now that are causing me anguish (H).

I was looking forward to kissing him as well as just hugging like we have been doing since meeting a few days ago to discuss the D. Got I could use some cuddling and some hot making out so badly. Even though I'm calling him an ex-bf, we never got very deep or serious or even went beyond making out because he would go so hot dating a bunch and great chemistry for ahwile, then <Bam>, he wouldn't call me for weeks and weeks. This killed me because I actually, for the first time ever in my life, thought he was "the one". I've dated more than enough men that this truly means something to me, because never have I had that feeling.

Even with my h, I thought he was great and I Was so happy and in love with him and loved the little life we had created for ourselves, but I never had the deep down, gut feeling he was "the one". This is not to say I didn't love the man I married dearly, I did (using past tense because I am now living with evil H now, not the H I thought I knew), I just never had that soul resonance that spoke to me and told me that he was "The one". Hmmm.

Do I feel somewhat guilty even thinking about dating someone becasue I still want to reunite with my H? Yes, definately. I still want my marriage to work but I feel somewhat "safe" with this man (Giz) knowing that we never got beyond holding each other and kissing, so I don't feel like I will be hopping into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry or something. This is just one person that I want to see right now, and see what happens, if anything.

We've kind of already talked about the guilt thing already becasue I invited him to be my date to a wedding this August. He kind of paused for a second and said, "Sure, I guess I can go as your friend", because it is a weird situation. I just don't want to go to a wedding alone plus I was his date for another wedding shortly before I started dating my H exclusively, plus, he's a lot of fun.

You know, I never even contemplated dating anyone mid divorce because I still really want to make it work with my H. I am so angry at him that once again, I am being forced into a weird social position because of him! I don't want to have to worry I can't hold Gizmo's hand in public or kiss him or be physical with him in any way that I need to be embarrassed about. I would rather be attending this even with my H and making out with him than Gizmo.

Our MC has not returned any of my 3 calls. I'm getting more than a bit ticked off. I even asked on the last call to schedule a time to meet with her 1:1 to talk about long term for my marriage, because it effects how I will approach the divorce. I still want mediation, even though it's the fastest route, even though he doesn't want it and it would give less time for the DR to work. I just don't want to drag this for 12-16 months for such a short marriage, that's craziness plus it wastes my valuable childbearing years. This is one of those ocassions where I say I honestly hate my H for dragging me through this hell and this process.

We have great sex, the H and I, and god do I miss it. I miss just kissing and holding him. I miss him swatting me on the butt when he walks by and the way he'd look in silhoutte when he got out of bed in front of the window. God, it's been 3 months since we last ML. It feels wrenching physically even to say that, and I so tangibly miss it and him. Oh, not going to cry today, so I won't let myself walk down this pity road tonight, but needless to say I want nothing more than my husband in my bed and me making him so happy and vice versa, WTF is the problem with getting the "status quo" back, dear H of mine?

It is so gd weird living here with him ignoring me. I'm no longer ignoring him but saying an odd "hi" or "bye" or whatever, but not engaging in long talks or anything that might threaten him, and trying to sound cheerful and busy all the time. It sure doesn't hurt that talking to Gizmo on the phone brings out my happy, funny, flirty side and he gets to hear the "old me" back yet again! Also, I'd want him to feel jealous if he thinks that i might be dating someone else. Maybe this is what our marriage needs to rekindle...me letting go enough of the idea of us getting back together by actually going out on a date with someone else, and him realizing he doesn't want to lose me after all? Heck folks, at this point, nothing short of a miracle could get through to this man. Like I said, my h has not only not wavered a bit in his position, but it appears he is getting further and further entrenched in the idea that we are over and done with. To be fair, I have not yet journaled my goals for us as a couple, as Michele writes in the DR, nor have I listed what the "first small step" towards that goal would be, nor have i really officially noted what works and doesn't work with this man, and these are all things I need to be doing to make the DR work better. Plus, I need to re read it, especailly the LRT and put it all into place.

So no, I'm not giving up on my marriage even though I want to go out with my blast from the past, Gizmo, and I actually, honestly think for me in this situation, it might actually hlep my marriage. I've made my peace with the idea of us going out a few times, but that's not to say that I'm ready for a new rlsp or physical intimacy.If you all think I'm just deceiving myself because I'm horny or wanting affection and attention so bad, let me know.

[karen43]

I just think you prob. shouldn't date until your M is over, or at the very least, until you have given up 100% on your M. Because I think that will help you to lose any interest in reconciling your M. Also, if you're in love with your H how is that fair to G? And he sounds like he is still the same guy you broke up with, hot/cold and immature and all that. And did you say he's an L? Because that to me is not a good thing at all. If you decide to date why would you want to date someone like that? Don't you think you deserve a more mature, dependable guy? Karen

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Karen43 Thanks for giving me your honest feedback about this. I hear you about not dating until my divorce is over, but lets just project this out based on what's been happening:

* I've been married 8 months now.
* H hasn't talked to me for 3 months
* If trial divorce takes 12 months total to be optomistic, and he filed 1 month ago, that meand I have to stand 11 more months, for a total of 14 months of being ignored in my own home (and H's home too)?
* That's almost 2x the length of the marriage at the time of the divorce (19 months)
* & almost 4 times the length of time we were actually talking and acting like married people (5 normal months of marriage before he stopped talking to me)

I mean, I agree with the DR, and I know right now I'll have to do 99% of the work, but if all he's doing to communicate with me is curt emails, does that count as his 1%? Can I commit to doing 99% for 11 long more months? I don't know.

I do know that at some point I'm going to give up on him and his stubborn heart because it fails to open up again, even a bit. Then, I will not want to do the DR, I will not want to do a damn thing but get out of this marriage as quickly as possible.

Also, I am still fighting my biological clock here, because I;m 36. So I'll be divorced at my age 37 then have to find a great guy, which takes a ton of time, plus then I have to date him for a long time so I'm sure he's not crazy like my H is (crazy with anxiety he's failing to treat), so at least a year before engagement, then kids...I'm running out of time here. I don't want to have my kids when I'm 44. Not only will it be really hard to do so then biologically, no doubt, but I don't want to be in my mid 60's when they graduate from college! I want to have some energy left.

You are right that this is not exactly fair to Gizmo to go out with him still loving my H. I agree with that and have been really upfront with him about it and that I'd still, ideally want to reunite. But I'm also realistic in that the way he's been acting, not budging an inch, makes me think there's little to no chance of this happening. Even my therapist says that this is totally abnormal and maybe my H has a personality disorder or something. Normally people waffle a bit as opposed to unilaterally making a decision like he did.

Ok, got to go, but I thank you for speaking up and giving me more to think about in this.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Gizmo backed out of the get together last night. <sigh> This time, it's not his regular blow off, it's because I'm still married, he says. He was very upset and seemed almost angry when he said this to me. He says it's not fair and he feels like he's taking 2nd place in this. In a way, it's kind of noble, but I am upset just because calls with him were an island of normalcy in my day to day life because I enjoyed talking to him and had fun just talking. Now he says he doesn't want me to call until my divorce is final. I reminded him that if we have to go to court, this may take a year, and that my H has refused to go to Mediation. He said he didn't care, "don't tell me this stuff".

I asked if it would make a difference if I moved out of my living situation, and he said "but I don't have A/C", and I corrected him telling him I was not talking about moving into HIS place, but moving somewhere else, either an apartment or back to my folks place.

I get it, he doesn't want to potentially be going out with me if my heart is still with another man, my husband. And I wish I could stop loving my H, it would make all this much, much easier, but I can't just stop and my secret hope is that he will wake up and smell the roses and get some help with his anxiety before the D is final, so we can actually try to make this marriage work. I told Gizmo this, I was upfront about it, and cried to him about it and he was incredibly understanding. So it is very noble of him to step back right now and let me and my H make these decisions ourselves first and end things properly before mucking em up by involving another person. It makes me sad thinking I can't even talk to him on the phone though, because the calls were a bright part of my day.

I will take it as a compliment that he doesn't want to even see me until he knows he can 100% have me, heart, body and soul, and hopefully it's cause we still have chemistry going big time. We did see each other 2x in person, and there's definately still something between us, even though all we did was hug, and talk about the details of my divorce and I cried a bit both times.

Maybe if I give him some cooling off room he will ok just talking on the phone at least until the D is final? I hope so. I will write him a letter reiterating what I said yesterday afternoon so he can understand how I'm feeling. I will also use the opportunity to tell him that I need him to be more responsible if I date him and none of this date blowing off crap in the future because it gets very old.

While I was sad and moody about this, since I am seeing not one iota of my H budging from his positions, I gave it a good hard think and decided that I would be willing to give up the house, at least giving up trying to get the house to live in it, not the equity. This has been the main stumbling block for me and H, and I asked him today that if I were to give this up (just the right to have the house as my own after the D), would he be ok with doing mediation, and he said he would think about it, which I will take as a good sign. And no, I'm not doing this for Gizmo, I am doing it for me. Even myself and my H didn't want to live her forever, we just felt that we couldn't afford to take a loss on both my place and this place before we move into a nicer neighborhood with much better schools.

This place really isn't big enough for me and a family, and I do intend to have one in the near future, so while it would work for a few years, it's not somewhere I want to be for say beyond five years, and that is when it really doesn't make sense to buy something. This is no different. Problem is, that I alone would barely be able to make this mortgage, much less one in the more desireable part of town, which would be 175% of this one.

While it will kill me to live with my parents, it will allow me to catch up with bills and save a heap of money for my next house. Also, if the tax credit is still in existance (for $8,000 for new homebuyers) next summer, then I could get that then. And as my sister says, it's not like this real estate market is going ot clear up overnight, it will still be somewhat bad next spring too. Or maybe I can get a deal mid winter next year, taking advantage of the same situation, getting rid of something that's been on the market for eons and making a lowball offer. Who knows. Point is, why work my *ss off for a place I don't want to be in for at least 6 years, and have to pay thousands in legal bills for this privelge?

Should reunification NOT happen, at least I will get closure with the marriage, and then I could begin to date again. If all went well with Gizmo, well, he already has a house, so I wouldn't have to worry about that.

I think G is also intimidated by the salary of my H, because in the process of getting an overview of my case, in which we determined it required a heck of a lot more than doing a simple form at this time, he inquired about both of our incomes, so I was upfront about that to him about my H's. Like the movie "Fireproof", my H obviously has the inside track because we are already married, should he decide to work on it.

Got to go.