WAH #4

[25yearsmlc]

Kassie,

If the sponsor has an issue with your h's attendance then I'd listen very carefully. The sponsor may well know things about H that counselor does not or c doesn't see thru A's BS (I'm saying that as one who was there, not as a judge). And I'm speaking only from my personal experience and what i saw. But the "Squabbles" between sponsors and newbies are usually reflective of the newbie resisting something important. Most often it's the sponsor wanting the sponsoree(?) to attend more meetings or to avoid a stressor/triggering activity. Way more often than not, the sponsor ends up being more or less vindicated. There IS a reason the sponsor is saying what he is saying.

So, while none of us "know" what's going on, I'd err on the side of the sponsor for now. Besides, your h tried this for 4 years and already is cutting down after how long? How long did he go before relapsing last time? Wasn't ONE sign of his relapses, in retrospect, not doing the meetings as often? It IS a slippery slope and I know you cannot maintain the daily meetings consistently and forever if you have other stuff going on but I know many who have, and besides the other "stuff" like your life, gets destroyed if recovery isn't maintained...

IMO, b/c nothing else good in his life, will occur or remain without full recovery, then his priority IS recovery. So the sponsor is afraid that if your h slides down from daily meetings this quickly it is not a good sign.

FWIW, going to meetings never added stress to my life; on the contrary it lowered it. Still does. So I'm surprised that your h is saying that the meetings are burdensome. Am I missing something? Hope so.

You made a comment that I think is totally on point in your post with words to the effect that "we're good for today"....and today is enough.

Hence the whole, "just for today" attitude. People outside the 12 steps may not realize it but as DBers they should. When we face "marital recovery" which = reconciliation and the restoration of our marriages, it looks daunting.

Even marrying can look that way when you say to yourself, I will NEVER be with another man/woman and must FOREVER put their needs ahead of mine etc...but if you say, "I'm doing my best as a partner each day, starting now..." and keep it up long enough, soon decades of sobriety, marital harmony or commitment are achieved. So yeah, for today, is all you can do.

But the sponsor talk is "reality therapy" and I would not second guess it to your h. Don't undermine the sponsor please. Was it the sponsor who knew Bill W and/or is a long time recovering person? If so, SUPPORT the sponsor and by doing so you are doing your h a favor. Don't enable him to undermine and second guess the expert.

Please, please understand that the sponsor KNOWS that "real life" comes at you and meetings wax and wane but NOT so early in the recovery. Your h is new to this. Really he is very new to this by AA standards, so bear that in mind. Do You realize most sponsors would doubt your h is ready to reconcile? Doing so now would be a stressor to any of us, let alone when we were new to sobriety, and your reactions to his every move indictate a part of you that is not fully trusting your h yet either. Food for thought.

That's my take on it. BTW, I took ALL of my sponsor's advice. I had not been actively using for long (post back surgery and prescription meds were my problem, and the timing of my father's death, etc) but I had many years of adulthood without being under the influence so I knew I knew how to be happy and sober. For those who have been actively using/drinking for decades it is much harder and takes longer to put in new ways of thinking that sink in, b/c they may not recall being happy without being buzzed or high or drunk...literally. One of my childhood friends began drinking and smoking pot in high school, and went overboard and never stopped. He has done some serious damage to his body and mind, and it's as if his emotional growth stopped at age 17. Honestly. He can't concentrate enough to read a book that's for sure, and he seems easily distracted and easily angered...and can only stop using while IN rehab...but I think to him the task is something he cannot visualize since he never had it before. Does this make sense? Has your h got any memories of being happy as an adult, without booze? If not, it takes a long time to get past the lie that tells him "you can only relax and be happy and laugh hard/(and physically produce happy endorphins--which does take your body awhile to re-learn but it DOES happen in time and that's a fact, so don't let him give in to the lie) if you drink..."

Like I said, I did do what my sponsor said but It was not easy and I rationalized and justified and we argued a lot, so it got interesting, but in the end I decided to trust her, and did as she asked...and I am so thankful God got me to listen to her...(I really truly think God sent her to me). It was so odd how we met and connected, and she was exactly who I needed at that time in my life. She had been through so much that related to my sitch. God bless her for hanging in there with me!

Good luck,
J-