total quarter life mlc

[Sanderika]

You know kissak it's going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I hope I can be strong enough.

Come July 24th, I will ask H one question: Are you still with
OW? If he says yes, I have my answer. I will tell him we have no future and recommend to proceed with the D. I am growing in fear and anxiety. I would be a liar if I told you I was at peace with this. I am not and believe I will never be. I do not see myself with anyone else in my future years. My H is the love of my life and I cannot even fathom my life without him. I do know that it is not healthy or normal to live the life we have over the past 46 months. I shudder to think what all of this has done to our son.

I have remained strong and steady in my stand. I do realize I deserve better even if it's being alone.

My hope is that H "snaps out of it" before we reach the 24th.

I am sure the next 30+ days will fly by......

I am reluctant to call my lawyer at this point, I am willing to wait until the 11th hour on this one.

I think H realizes he belongs here with me and he certainly has taken many steps back towards us but he can't quite seem to reach the porch for good.

I hate the OW. I never thought I could hate another human being as much as I hate her. I don't feel like a D will be giving my H to her. He will not stay with her. She is merely a product of his MLC and he will awake from it and realize all that she stands for and he will run and run fast. I want him to realize it now but as the veterans of this board tell us a man comes out of his MLC when he has completed his journey and there is no telling how or when it will happen. If they aren't completely ready they don't return for good but rather make false starts and keep us in limbo. I believe they can't really live without us and like us can't imagine having to live without us either. My H has told me his R with the OW would be much better if he could get over me. He has said point blank "I can't get over you". It is my feelings that they never do "get over" us. A very few will come out of their MLC and swallow their pride and humble themselves enough to return to their families. These are very special men. These are real men. Men who value their families and put an end to their selfish ways and "Man-Up" to their responsibilities and realize that what they had/have is too precious to lose.

I would like to think my man is one of these men.

I fear he is not and most likely never has been. It is a weak man who runs from us and is pulled away by these home-wrecking OW. A weak man caves to outside temptations. It turns them into liars and irresponsible husbands and fathers.

I am rambling so....I will stop.

I get very cynical. I do not like it. I try hard to see the good in him and forgive him his faults. I have made it a practice to forgive him every morning for what he is going to do during his day that will hurt me and our son.

I know kissak and mdoodles just how tired you both are too. I wish for better days for us all....

Someday the dark cloud will evaporate and the sun will shine warm and bright upon us. This is real and true.

Hugs to you both,
Sanderika