I was about to suggest exactly the same, KAW. Just go with your D anyway. Or do whatever you had planned. Do not make a huge issue of it: just "I'm sorry you are not feeling like doing xxxx; D and I will." No reproaches no disappointed faces, nothing. Next time perhaps she will not change her mind
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I would agree with most, go ahead and go without CAW. Your W will look back on this in years to come and regret that she didn't do more with DD, when it's too late.
I used to tell my H you think it bothers you that I change my mind so much! Imagine how I feel, it drives me nuts on some days, too!! Back and forth, back and forth..it was kind of like torture to my brain....just trying to give you the fickle female POV.
But in my case it was more an issue of not ever doing much because if we do X...what if Y would have been more fun/appropriate???
One can get FROZEN in indecision.
Now as for making promises and not following through...well that was CJ's forte! (Sure I'll print out those photos, sure I'll clean XYZ, yup the lawn for sure!...)
It drove me NUTS!!! But I HAVE learned to let go of some of the little stuff. Who really cares if the grass gets cut??
But when it involves your D, well that's different. Especially if she's learning not to trust what her Mom says.
Maybe take note of what Cathy is saying and ask your W if sometimes when she makes plans, it's more thinking out loud than something she's going to make happen?
Even a slight change in phrasing would take the edge off...Like "I might feel up to making stew tonight, how does that sound?"...then the expectation isn't so high.
Also, I got so SICK of CJ saying he'd do stuff and then NOT (this was during the year of hell) that I finally, calmly, with no blame, told him that I would MUCH prefer if he didn't make ANY promises at all, rather than reneg on them.
For example "I'll be home early!...I'll call if I'll be late!"...I'd just rather NOT have that expectation dashed.
KAW..another crossroad for you and CAW......I don't know what to tell you on her changing her mind...it's always ok for anyone to change their mind...but if it is everyday and especially with your d..then it is going too far...I hate to always sound so harsh with CAW...but she needs an eye opening of some sorts...does she not realize the damage to you and to d? You are an adult and can choose to tolerate this stuff, but your d has only one mom. I am sorry for feeling this anger right now...I wish I could return some great advice to you...you have set me back on the right track many times..and I feel like I am letting you down. Do know though, that I am thinking about you and will pray for the right answer you need to handle this situation.
Just wanted to quickly respond to the consensus about proceeding with plans without her. I have done this a few times with it culminating with when I took D10 to see "Little Nemo" this summer. I'm still hearing about that one as she still resents that we went without her. Have I mentioned CAW's ability to hold a grudge for what seems like forever and by her admission too.
Anyway, her POV is just because she didn't want to go at that time doesn't mean she didn't want to see movie at some other time and interpreted our going anyway as being spiteful ... and Sue, no I don't believe she sees how she disappoints other when she does this, especially D10. She actually gets angry at D10 when she starts to cry, thinking D10 is try to manipulate her into having a guilt trip! A couple of times this past summer (which I had mention in earlier threads), D10 would react with an outburst where she would yell at CAW, "I hate you!" then storm into her room. ... and my intervention would only turn CAW's scorn at me also as "ganging up on her".
Some of the dance steps I done for myself haven't worked as much as I would have liked at drawing her to the dance floor, so I'm wondering if there are still some more dance steps I can learn?
Quote: Oh my gosh she is soo much like me, if my friends would read this they would assume you were talking about me!! I know this doesn't help, but just wanted you to know that there are other people out there who can't follow through on thier commitments.
Cathy, thanks for dropping by and lettin me know that CAW is not the only with this trait. I will try to keep that in mind in hopes to be more understanding. However, you didn't make any mention as to why you think you have so much trouble keeping commitments. I would like to hear your insights on such.
From Shiny:
Quote: ask your W if sometimes when she makes plans, it's more thinking out loud than something she's going to make happen?
Even a slight change in phrasing would take the edge off...Like "I might feel up to making stew tonight, how does that sound?"...then the expectation isn't so high.
OK, I didn't catch on here right away ... interesting insight Shiny! Another words, this is all based on a communication gap? What she says is not to set up certain expectations, but merely wishful thinking on her part expressed out loud ... hmmmm ... you might be onto something ... worth exploring
Count ME in as a member of the Procrastinators Club. Like Cathy, my friends have gotten use to my reneging on promises to show up at different events etc..
I am also quick to say, "Sure I'll go" (if the event is days or weeks away) because in the back of my mind, I'm already planning my 'excuse' for NOT going. I began doing this out of 'consideration' for my H...I thought (back when I was trying to get him to spend more time with me before the bomb) that if I was always 'available' to do things with him he'd be there to do things with me...BUT, he rarely was. So my 'promise' to come or do something with my friends, was as empty as my Hs promise to do things with me.
I NO LONGER make empty promises. If I'm invited somewhere, BEFORE I answer I ask myself "will I REALLY go?" and if the answer's no, I politely decline rather than disappoint.
It's hard to get out of the 'wishful thinking'/'thinking out loud' mode when you've been doing it for years. Maybe a gentle talk with W about that might help her see what she's doing from someone else's perspective. Use YOURSELF as the example, NOT HER. T2
A year ago, I was a member of the empty promise club too.
After I began living with my parents, they would admonish me that once I made a promise, I should follow through at all costs.
They taught me how important this is in gaining respect from others and from yourself.
This was something I had to be taught.
I didn't like letting people down, and now I try to always say no right away, or 'let me check my calendar and get back to you.'
Part of the vicious cycle was that I'd know I'd disapointed someone, and promise something to make up for it. And then fail on that promise and continue the horrible cycle of feeling bad about myself. Bleh!
I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread and your thoughts and suggestions. I really appreciated it.
I don't have any suggestions for you here but that you are amazingly caring and patient and I hope some of the folks suggestions help you out with this situation.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Just stopping by at the end of a beautiful weekend to say "HI" and hope that your days are going ok...things go so slow....we all get medals for patience..
